Nervous

8 days left. Only. It seemed like forever a few weeks ago and now it’s just around the corner basically. Yes, I said before that I would not be nervous to see you next Friday and openly talk to you about everything. But that was then, now it’s different. I’m actually nervous as hell… It’s so soon suddenly. And there’s so much at stake really, in every scenario I can think of (who knows what could happen in those that I cannot think of…). Let’s see:

1. You do not love me back: this is the most likely scenario. You only like me as a friend or a sister. Which is a good thing, yes, of course. I’d love to build upon that, deepen our friendship without silly emotions in the way. However, I am scared that I might not be able to handle this as well as I imagine it now. Truth be told, I actually hope that you love me back. My heart longs for you. It wants to be loved back by you. So even though I’d truly appreciate your friendship, I’m afraid that I might want more still and wouldn’t be able to accept anything less than your love.

2. You do love me back, but won’t act upon it: second most likely scenario. All those nice things you did for me in the past would be so out of context if there wasn’t more to them than you just being nice. So in this scenario I fear that I won’t be able to deal with being in love with a guy who loves me back but we cannot be together. It’s not just about my own pain, but I don’t want to see or know you suffer as well. How would we go along our lives, every time we see each other during family events acting as if there’s nothing when all we really want is to be close to each other, hug, kiss, make love, share our life experiences?

3. You do love me back and we go along with it: least likely scenario, but not altogether impossible. We are a lot alike, at least from what I can tell. So why wouldn’t you feel the same need to actually go all the way? But of course, the problem here is that I am married to your brother. And I am so afraid to destroy everything, really everything: my marriage, your brotherhood, my good relations to your mother and family, your family bonds with them, and so much more. Totally devastating.

All this makes me nervous. I’m anxious to hear what you have to say to all this. Maybe it will turn out to be very simple, easy to solve and we’ll both be happy after. Oh, I can’t wait any longer, at the same time I don’t want this here to end, the hope, the feeling of potential. Right now, I can imagine countless ideal outcomes. Paradise at the end of the road. Will I find paradise in your arms next Friday?

Are You “Stalking” Me?

You’re off now with H and other buddies to a bachelor’s party. I’m home alone until tonight which gives me enough time to sit in my room, look outside the window, think of you and sigh and sigh… and your scent is still lingering a bit –  once in a while I catch it…and sigh again.

I’m really losing my mind over you. Last night, I could barely sleep. You were in my dreams, but I can’t remember exactly what they were about. I woke up numerous times and was so excited and anxious to finally get up, have breakfast with you, look into your eyes. My heart was racing and I got so excited that my stomach hurt. Butterflies all over. Restless. Impatient. Then I could barely eat anything for breakfast, you sitting right opposite of me. Again, with this white shirt from the raft trip. Same pants. Same everything. Same hotness. Every time our eyes met, more butterflies. I kept glancing at your bare arms, your skin, your little hairs, your muscle outlines… I.Want.To.Touch. And your scent kept crawling over to my side of the table. What are you doing to me? How do you expect me to keep my composure? Are you doing this on purpose? Do you know what this does to me: the way you choose your clothes, put on that body spray, your eyes?

Last night, we all talked about that online tank game. We play it so often, it’s only natural to have discussions about it as well. Last weekend, we platooned together and played for countless hours. On Monday morning, before I had to go to work, I also played a few rounds. And I noticed that you were online as well (before you went to work). So I opened up the ingame chat and asked you jokingly if you hadn’t played enough on the weekend so that you’d need to play again so early on Monday morning (it was 6:30ish). Then my phone rang, but I couldn’t answer as I was right in the middle of a battle. After, I checked and it was you. You then told me in the chat that you couldn’t type before and tried to call, but now it worked again and you were able to reply to my chat message. Anyway, that was actually something that amazed me again. I didn’t really expect you to reply to my chat message; it would have been okay. But then you actually tried to call me when the chat didn’t work…just wow! Do you care so much? Or is that just again your generally friendly nature coming through? 

Anyway, what I wanted to say: yesterday morning – Friday morning – I logged onto that game again, knowing perfectly well that there’d be a good chance to see you online as well. You were to come to us right after work so you wouldn’t be able to play that game that day, only in the morning before going to work. And that’s exactly what you did. This time, I didn’t start chatting and I didn’t expect you to do it either. I didn’t even expect you to check if I was online as well. See, the thing about seeing if someone else is online is that you’d need to specifically click on a tab inside the game on which you’d not click if you just wanted to play by yourself. I click on it once in a while when I think you might be there. I like knowing when you do something that I am doing right then as well. I like the feeling of doing something with you, even if it’s not really with you together. I click on that tab because, well, I am crushing on you. And last night, while we were talking about that game, you mentioned that I was playing yesterday morning as well. Soooo…you also clicked on that tab! Every other friend of ours that plays that game occasionally would never play at that time, so you could not have checked for anyone else to be online. I know that. So I wonder: were you “stalking” me like I often do?

I didn’t tell you that I checked yesterday, too. I don’t want to make it too obvious. After all, you could very well put two and two together, have the same thought process as me. You’d probably figured that one out on Monday already.

I really wonder if we are playing some kind of cat-and-mouse-game with each other, giving each other subtle clues and hints without being too obvious about it, but at the same time expecting the other one to be clever enough to figure them out.

Or am I just too crazy already and I simply don’t want to see any other possibilty or explanation for the things you do?

I wish I could have that honest talk with you soon. Even though you’ll be here tonight again until tomorrow midday probably, I won’t be able to talk to you alone. H might get suspicious; there’s no place here in the apartment where we could have that talk. I’m dying to know. I really need to know what’s going on. Sure, there’s room for lots of interpretation when it comes to your behaviour and actions around me, but then there are these things like checking to see who’s online in that game. It’s more objective to judge, less to no room for interpretation. Why did you click on it?

I Should Have…

There’s enough time to think about our last weekend together. I suddenly remember a number of incidences where you might have shown me how you felt, but I didn’t really notice them at the time you did them. I was so focused on taking you all in, obsessed with getting the most out of it that I completely lost track of what was really going on maybe. When I am around you, I tend to get so terribly nervous sometimes. It’s bugging me. I am too shy and too scared to do and say the things I want. So in case you were wondering, I should have:

• smiled at you more often, especially when I came back into the room that first short evening together
  (you actually gave me a very similar, curious look, just like that time at your apartment when we dropped you off, with that nice heart-warming smile of yours)
• asked you to help me put on that sun tan lotion while we were alone on the raft’s rooftop
  (such a missed opportunity to be touched by you! H actually asked from down below if he should help me out putting the lotion on my neck; when I told him I did it by myself already, he made a joke about how desperate he would take any chance to touch me sexually and then you made another joke that there would be better places to touch than the neck! Oh, I wish you would have at least touched my neck; will I ever get the chance again to ask you for help in that case? We had a “sun tan lotion thing” back in June already – you just watched, but were you thinking about putting it on me back then?)
• stretched my bare legs out and rested my feet on the seat you were sitting on during the raft trip
  (you had yours on mine. I didn’t even notice right away. I had curled up on the bench opposite of you, legs up on my own seat, when I saw your feet right under me. Was that just a comfortable position for you? Or did you try to be accidentally touched again?)
• talked to you more
  (why can I never think of a topic to talk about when I am alone with you? I’m often next to you in silence, feeling nervousness creeping up because I want to break that silence, but I don’t want to engage in small talk. It should be something more meaningful)
• “accidentally” touched you slightly while walking past you into the kitchen
  (you were sitting a bit in the way; I had to squeeze through. It would have been so easy to graze your shoulder or arm slighty.)
• asked you for 5 or 10 minutes of your time
  (I am still waiting for a good opportunity to have that honest talk with you, but we had so little time together this weekend it seemed…)
• hugged you while saying goodbye
  (I regret this the most; it’s often the only chance I get to touch you without having to do it secretly, without worrying what someone else might see and think. Next time, get your ass up and hug me! Please.)

That’s kind of my new to-do-list for when I see you again. It will be the weekend after this one now. You’ll be here for a bachelor’s party. You’ll be out with H and some friends on Saturday, so for me, there’s only Friday evening and Sunday morning left to spend with you. I’ll try to make the most out of it. Take my chances.