You Just Called…

… and told me that you’d be taking the later train.

I had hoped you’d be here earlier. It’s raining after all and you said you would take the earlier train if the weather did not permit you to go bicycling. But I won’t blame you for this. I’m just a little disappointed. I hope it didn’t show on the phone…

Okay, so now I got 4 hours to kill. I just finished taking a hot bath, getting ready for you (I washed my hair; I shaved; I even put a freaking cleansing mask on my face, which is something I never ever do…). I do want to look good for you today, even though I am certain that we’ll just talk and nothing else. And I am certain that my feelings for you will not be the same as yours for me. But just in case…

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Puppy Love In Brazil

Tomorrow you’ll be here. I’m so excited that I dream the strangest things at night (and because we spent almost every afternoon this week together playing that online game together):

A quick weekend trip to Brazil with H, you and some random people I’ve met in my life. I’m sitting on a couch checking on the TV what’s the best way to get back home (by plane or by boat?).  You’re trying to find something in your backpack while trying to sit down next to me. There’s hardly any room, so I’m moving a bit over. Don’t want you to fall off. Then you’re sitting right next to me, our thighs touching (what a tiny couch!). The way we’re sitting now, you’re conveniently blocking everyone else’s view on me and they can’t see how you’re suddenly putting your hand around my waist, resting it there, caressing me gently. I’m blushing; my heart is racing. You’re looking at me coyly. And I know what this all means: You love me, too.

Scene change: Still on the couch, but lying down now, facing each other. For others, we’re distant enough, but we’re under a cover and you can again touch me without anyone noticing. I feel like in heaven. You’re looking all dreamy-eyed up the ceiling, then you’re looking at me, like a silly puppy in love.

Let’s go to Brazil tomorrow!

Nervous

8 days left. Only. It seemed like forever a few weeks ago and now it’s just around the corner basically. Yes, I said before that I would not be nervous to see you next Friday and openly talk to you about everything. But that was then, now it’s different. I’m actually nervous as hell… It’s so soon suddenly. And there’s so much at stake really, in every scenario I can think of (who knows what could happen in those that I cannot think of…). Let’s see:

1. You do not love me back: this is the most likely scenario. You only like me as a friend or a sister. Which is a good thing, yes, of course. I’d love to build upon that, deepen our friendship without silly emotions in the way. However, I am scared that I might not be able to handle this as well as I imagine it now. Truth be told, I actually hope that you love me back. My heart longs for you. It wants to be loved back by you. So even though I’d truly appreciate your friendship, I’m afraid that I might want more still and wouldn’t be able to accept anything less than your love.

2. You do love me back, but won’t act upon it: second most likely scenario. All those nice things you did for me in the past would be so out of context if there wasn’t more to them than you just being nice. So in this scenario I fear that I won’t be able to deal with being in love with a guy who loves me back but we cannot be together. It’s not just about my own pain, but I don’t want to see or know you suffer as well. How would we go along our lives, every time we see each other during family events acting as if there’s nothing when all we really want is to be close to each other, hug, kiss, make love, share our life experiences?

3. You do love me back and we go along with it: least likely scenario, but not altogether impossible. We are a lot alike, at least from what I can tell. So why wouldn’t you feel the same need to actually go all the way? But of course, the problem here is that I am married to your brother. And I am so afraid to destroy everything, really everything: my marriage, your brotherhood, my good relations to your mother and family, your family bonds with them, and so much more. Totally devastating.

All this makes me nervous. I’m anxious to hear what you have to say to all this. Maybe it will turn out to be very simple, easy to solve and we’ll both be happy after. Oh, I can’t wait any longer, at the same time I don’t want this here to end, the hope, the feeling of potential. Right now, I can imagine countless ideal outcomes. Paradise at the end of the road. Will I find paradise in your arms next Friday?

I’m A Mess

What’s going on? What’s happening to me? What am I doing?

I should be mourning. I should feel sad, angry and frustrated. I should be crying. Maybe I should read more often about coping methods, about buddhistic psychology. I should do all of these things so that I could get over the recent loss and get back to being and feeling normal. Instead I am going crazy over you, thoughts running wild in my head.

I’m impatient, don’t want to wait until the 26th when you will come here. Even though we agreed to leave whatever we have to discuss for that Friday in about 2 weeks time, instead of doing it via email, I still kind of hope to get a quick note from you, a short message to say hi and check in on me. Whenever you should have got home from work, I start – almost frantically – checking my mails every so often and get madly disappointed when there’s nothing from you in my inbox.

I’m so impatient that I can’t even wait for the weekend to hear your voice again when we will play that online game together. Each day is just crawling past me. I feel so bored, yet unmotivated to do anything. All I can do is paint mental pictures of you coming here, of us having that conversation. It continues with me having to cry and you taking me gently in your arms, holding me. And then you’re confessing your true feelings. They’ve been there all along. I can hear you say it, just the same way you did a while ago during that game: “Wanna cuddle?” Yes, I do. We’re lying down on the couch. I can rest my head on your chest, your arms tightly around me, one hand caressing my arm, while I gently touch your stomach, your chest. That’s it. We know the rules. We won’t do more than that.

But I have to confess my other fantasy: I also imagine us having an affair from that point on. You’ll have 2 more weeks off after that weekend, so I picture you renting a hotel room nearby to stay there. We’d meet up whenever I don’t have to work and while H is at work himself. We talk; we laugh; we cuddle; we make love one day; we have wild passionate sex the other.

Oh my God, what’s wrong with me? Is this normal? I thought I was over you, more or less. At least I thought to have gained some control. Now it feels so much worse, but at the same time so much better. I know I did the right thing asking you to talk to me one on one. It feels like we’re heading towards a deeper form of relationship or friendship. Somehow I am even more convinced now that you do have feelings for me, even though realistically I still believe that they are nothing more than friendly feelings. Does that make any sense? Gee, I don’t know what I am saying, how I can express what I am feeling.

It’s like I am heading towards that big conclusion of whatever this is here. I don’t fear the outcome. I am positive that it’s going to be good, one way or the other, no matter what you actually feel for me. I need to talk to you, be honest, get your feedback and yes, I do want to be held in your arms even if it’s just for a few seconds. I am yearning so much to see you again, talk to you. Until then, I am a complete mess it seems.

Countdown

9 days until I’ll see you again.

It’s going to be one of those weekend get-togethers. I am actually not that excited right now. Feels like just another appointment in my calendar. But I know that the day before, at the latest, the butterflies will wake up, the excitement won’t let me sleep that night. And during the car trip, I will cheerfully hum along all those happy-go-lucky songs playing on the radio.

The best part is always the first evening together. When all the time together is still ahead, but you’re already near. The potential. The possibilities. The excitement of what might come. I’ll take anything – a short smile, a story about work, an accidental touch.

I also know that time will pass too quickly. Just a blink of an eye and it’ll be Sunday afternoon again. Time to part ways. And then I will feel sad, I will miss you and I will ask myself again why and how. The usual stuff. A few days later, I will feel just like today again. Not really caring, nonchalant even. In the back of my mind, I’ll be glad you’re in my life, as a friend, as a love interest, as a brother-in-law, as you the way you are. Until the day when another countdown will get close to 0…