Where to start? I’m so terribly confused right now. The plan was to observe your behaviour neutrally, well, actually to find clues that would show quite clearly that you do NOT love me. And what did I get? The opposite. You could have said “I love you” and I would have believed you. But then again, maybe I’m reading too much into it, the wrong things. So what happened?
I picked H and you up at the train station after your hike in the mountains nearby. Right when you got in, you made a joke. You were chattier than usual. But that could have been the alcohol. (Yesterday was father’s day over here, which is also referred to as “men’s day”, to celebrate fathers and men alike. Men do this by strolling around, pulling their handcarts filled with beer and other alcoholic beverages. You went hiking with H and other male friends, beer and Jägermeister in your backpacks.) You weren’t really drunk, just a bit tipsy. And tired from the long hike. Maybe that made you chatty. But that wasn’t what made me wonder.
Later on, we arrived at the friend’s house. We wanted to have a BBQ, but the weather was not good, too cold. So we stayed inside and fried the meat in pans and had dinner inside. The food was arranged like a buffet, where people go there with their plates and pick out what they want before going to their seats to eat. I was right behind you in line and we were pretty much the last people to take our food. The kitchen table was already full with people, no more seats available there. So you picked the last seat at the minibar in the kitchen. No more seat for me and that one buddy behind me in line. So I shrugged it off and went to the living room to eat there, by myself it seemed. I didn’t mind at all. Not a big fan of crowds anyway. And then suddenly, you came into that room as well, plate in your hand and you said “I guess we are eating here”. I answered “but you got a seat in the kitchen”, to which you only replied that the other guy would have to come here, too. Well, that other guy didn’t come. He probably took your seat at the minibar after you left, so we were there alone. Just the two of us.
I admit I was speechless, pleasantly surprised. Why did you do this? And would you have done this for anyone else? Did you want to be a nice guy, polite enough to not let anyone eat by him-/herself? Or did you not want me to eat by myself?
H came by a bit later to check in on us. Or maybe he got himself a drink, I don’t remember. I asked him to join us here, but he didn’t want to. The 2 little kids living there came to us later on, but really to play with their toys. And you talked to them, a lot more than I’d expected you. You were so open and again chatty. You would make a funny remark to the kid, glance at me and laugh. You were so sweet with him. I actually wondered for a moment what it would be like to have a child with you, that you would be a nice, wonderful father.
We were by ourselves in the living room for some time. We talked. You were on the couch, I was at the table. But I had the feeling that you really wanted to be there and talk to me. Even after the other people came trickling in and joining us, I felt as if you were looking to make more contact with me, get my attention.
All this time I was trying to stay neutral, ignore you a bit even, find clues that you are just like the other friends in that room. But I couldn’t. Everything I noticed was showing me the complete opposite. Is it possible? Could you really be in love with me?
When we arrived home again, the three of us, we sat down on the couch a bit and talked a little about that online game we’ve been playing so much recently. Then H left to take a shower and again, you stayed there to talk to me. You could have got yourself ready for bed already. But you didn’t. We had great eye contact. And for once I didn’t feel as shy as I usually feel around you. Probably because I felt as if there was indeed more between us. It was intense. I became a bit more daring even. When I got ready for bed, I took off my sweater and only had my black top and black yoga pants on. I wouldn’t do this around you. I find it too revealing, showing too much skin and cleavage. But I tried this last night; I got a glass of water in the kitchen and went to the bedroom. The timing was right, you met me in the hallway. I wished you a good night, you told me the same, but with a nervous giggle at the end. Were you surprised? Did you like what you saw?
I wore the same top this morning, but with a sweater on top of it. However, I didn’t button it up, so yes, it showed some cleavage again. I have it, so why not use it? I am sure there are so many women that you see each day showing even more. I still don’t like doing it that much, so it doesn’t show a lot. Just enough to get the fantasies rolling maybe. I stayed near you this morning until you left. You were using my computer to try something out. I stayed behind you, watched you, joked with you. You smelled so good again with your Anarchy body spray. And you looked mighty hot in your white shirt. I love looking at your arms, that skin of yours. I want to touch it, put my arms around you. Even though I hate when you leave, I look forward to hugging you when saying goodbye. Be close to you, smell you, feel your arms around me.
I wonder, truly wonder now, if you actually feel the same way. It sure seemed this way yesterday…
So another reality check has failed, I guess.