Reality Check (Let’s Try This Again)

Where to start? I’m so terribly confused right now. The plan was to observe your behaviour neutrally, well, actually to find clues that would show quite clearly that you do NOT love me. And what did I get? The opposite. You could have said “I love you” and I would have believed you. But then again, maybe I’m reading too much into it, the wrong things. So what happened?

I picked H and you up at the train station after your hike in the mountains nearby. Right when you got in, you made a joke. You were chattier than usual. But that could have been the alcohol. (Yesterday was father’s day over here, which is also referred to as “men’s day”, to celebrate fathers and men alike. Men do this by strolling around, pulling their handcarts filled with beer and other alcoholic beverages. You went hiking with H and other male friends, beer and J√§germeister in your backpacks.) You weren’t really drunk, just a bit tipsy. And tired from the long hike. Maybe that made you chatty. But that wasn’t what made me wonder.

Later on, we arrived at the friend’s house. We wanted to have a BBQ, but the weather was not good, too cold. So we stayed inside and fried the meat in pans and had dinner inside. The food was arranged like a buffet, where people go there with their plates and pick out what they want before going to their seats to eat. I was right behind you in line and we were pretty much the last people to take our food. The kitchen table was already full with people, no more seats available there. So you picked the last seat at the minibar in the kitchen. No more seat for me and that one buddy behind me in line. So I shrugged it off and went to the living room to eat there, by myself it seemed. I didn’t mind at all. Not a big fan of crowds anyway. And then suddenly, you came into that room as well, plate in your hand and you said “I guess we are eating here”. I answered “but you got a seat in the kitchen”, to which you only replied that the other guy would have to come here, too. Well, that other guy didn’t come. He probably took your seat at the minibar after you left, so we were there alone. Just the two of us.

I admit I was speechless, pleasantly surprised. Why did you do this? And would you have done this for anyone else? Did you want to be a nice guy, polite enough to not let anyone eat by him-/herself? Or did you not want me to eat by myself?

H came by a bit later to check in on us. Or maybe he got himself a drink, I don’t remember. I asked him to join us here, but he didn’t want to. The 2 little kids living there came to us later on, but really to play with their toys. And you talked to them, a lot more than I’d expected you. You were so open and again chatty. You would make a funny remark to the kid, glance at me and laugh. You were so sweet with him. I actually wondered for a moment what it would be like to have a child with you, that you would be a nice, wonderful father.

We were by ourselves in the living room for some time. We talked. You were on the couch, I was at the table. But I had the feeling that you really wanted to be there and talk to me. Even after the other people came trickling in and joining us, I felt as if you were looking to make more contact with me, get my attention.

All this time I was trying to stay neutral, ignore you a bit even, find clues that you are just like the other friends in that room. But I couldn’t. Everything I noticed was showing me the complete opposite. Is it possible? Could you really be in love with me?

When we arrived home again, the three of us, we sat down on the couch a bit and talked a little about that online game we’ve been playing so much recently. Then H left to take a shower and again, you stayed there to talk to me. You could have got yourself ready for bed already. But you didn’t. We had great eye contact. And for once I didn’t feel as shy as I usually feel around you. Probably because I felt as if there was indeed more between us. It was intense. I became a bit more daring even. When I got ready for bed, I took off my sweater and only had my black top and black yoga pants on. I wouldn’t do this around you. I find it too revealing, showing too much skin and cleavage. But I tried this last night; I got a glass of water in the kitchen and went to the bedroom. The timing was right, you met me in the hallway. I wished you a good night, you told me the same, but with a nervous giggle at the end. Were you surprised? Did you like what you saw?

I wore the same top this morning, but with a sweater on top of it. However, I didn’t button it up, so yes, it showed some cleavage again. I have it, so why not use it? I am sure there are so many women that you see each day showing even more. I still don’t like doing it that much, so it doesn’t show a lot. Just enough to get the fantasies rolling maybe. I stayed near you this morning until you left. You were using my computer to try something out. I stayed behind you, watched you, joked with you. You smelled so good again with your Anarchy body spray. And you looked mighty hot in your white shirt. I love looking at your arms, that skin of yours. I want to touch it, put my arms around you. Even though I hate when you leave, I look forward to hugging you when saying goodbye. Be close to you, smell you, feel your arms around me.

I wonder, truly wonder now, if you actually feel the same way. It sure seemed this way yesterday…

So another reality check has failed, I guess.

Reality Check

Your clothes are scattered on the guest sofa next to your sleeping bag. There’s also your work access card with your photo on it, your bathroom pouch, your tablet PC, a magazine. And you’re out hiking with H now.

My lustful feelings I had yesterday are pretty much gone again. It’s strange. They disappeared almost as soon as you got here and I saw you. You wore blue jeans and a dark blue or black sweater. I love guys in dark clothes! And I thought to myself “he’s hot” when I saw you like this. But it wasn’t more than that, no “oh- damn-gotta-rip-those-clothes-off-and-throw-myself-at-him” kind of thoughts. Nothing crazy. More subdued. And you looked shorter than I remembered you. Did you shrink? Probably not. I think that I am idolizing you too much, think of you differently, imagine you in better ways, make you “perfect” for me in my dreams and fantasies. In your absence you become someone else to me, made up of distorted memories and wishful projections. Yesterday I thought of you as this “hot hunk”, a passionate man unable to control his desires and urges, willing to forget his honor and give himself to me. And when you got here, it was just…you. The way you always are. There is nothing wrong with you, no. I love the way you are.

But the reason yesterday’s feelings were so unusual is also because I simply cannot imagine having sex with you, to get hot and physical with you. And it must be because you’re H’s brother. To be honest, I must admit that I did imagine once or twice, while making love to H, what it would be like with you. But I always pushed these thoughts away quickly. It just felt so wrong. Awkward. Maybe even disgusting a bit. Would I compare you and H? Would I find too many similarities in the way you move, breathe or kiss?¬† Would you think “my brother had her first” or something like this? It’s just all these strange, inappropriate questions and imagines I get. So that definitely throws me off, turns me off. And that’s probably a very good thing! Yet, when you’re gone, I’m longing for you again. You become someone else again, a bit at least. I keep coming back to wishing to be with you, entirely.

I have done a bit of internet research on this topic, falling in love with your brother- or sister-in-law. From what I gathered, most people would definitely disapprove. The general consensus seems to be that it might only be acceptable if the spouse died. Or the marriage or relationship ended very, very badly. All other scenarios seem completely out of the question. And I would probably say the same, I’d agree with those opinions. But if that is the general consensus (of the internet community at least), doesn’t this strengthen my theory that you might have lied to me, are hiding your true feelings for me in order to not hurt H, to destroy your and our family, that you are such an honorable man, a good guy? It is so silly. My head keeps spinning. And I am probably not very coherent right now with my thought process. I’m trying to give myself a good reality check, regain my senses, but I always end up someplace else. Why is it so hard for me to accept the fact that you do not love me?!

I’m looking forward to when you and H are coming back this afternoon. We’ll go to a friend’s house for a BBQ and some party games. I will try to be neutral towards you, actually try to find clues and signs that I am just a sister to you, or a friend, nothing else. I will try another reality check. I need to stop this nonsense soon. It cannot go on like this.

So Unusual

Just 7 or 8 hours left…I hate waiting. You’ll be here today. What am I to do? How can I make this time pass any faster? I’m pacing back and forth, from my office to the kitchen. Then I am sitting down in the living room, music on, knitting needles in my hand. I also tried studying for a while. No chance of getting anything (productive or useful) done. I cannot concentrate. My mind wanders off towards you. I keep checking the time, counting it down.

So restless. And excited. And – how should I put it? – lustful, horny even. Yes, there. I said it. I’m horny. I’m longing for you, your body, your warmth, your wet kisses, all over me, you inside of me. Damn you! You’ve turned me into an animal, reduced me to the simplest desires. If you were here right now, H still at work, I am pretty sure I’d actually try to seduce you! Wild, passionate sex. Nothing more. Just pure fun. This is such an unusual behaviour for me. I don’t even recognize myself right now.

Thank God or Fate or whom/whatever, that this is not going to happen. It would be so wrong. And we would regret it. I definitely would. It wouldn’t be fun at all, not afterwards for sure. It would only be pain.

Damn hormones! What’s wrong with me today?

I’ll go back to knitting now…

Addicted To You

I don’t know just how it happened;
I let down my guard.
Swore I’d never fall in love again,
but I fell hard.
Guess I should have seen it coming,
caught me by surprise.
I wasn’t looking where I was going;
I fell into your eyes.
You came into my crazy world
like a cool and cleansing grace.
Before I knew what hit me, baby,
you were flowing through my veins.

I’m addicted you,
hooked on your love,
like a powerful drug
I can’t get enough of.
Lost in your eyes,
drowning in blue,
I’m outta control.
What can I do?
I’m addicted to you!

When night blows in through the window,
dances around the room.
Got me hypnotized, I’m getting high on the perfume.
I couldn’t live without you now,
oh, I know I’d go insane.
I wouldn’t last one night alone, baby,
I couldn’t stand the pain.

I’m addicted you,
hooked on your love,
like a powerful drug
I can’t get enough of.
Lost in your eyes,
drowning in blue,
I’m outta control.
What can I do?
I’m addicted to you!

– Lyrics of the song “Addicted to You” by Avicii

Could there be any song lyrics more fitting to how I feel?!

Pure Excitement!

What a wonderful feeling! Right now I feel so amazing, so joyful, so excited, so happy,… so much in love. Must be the weather; it’s so nice outside. Or I’m just hormonal, who knows?

Why am I so excited? H and I are going on vacation soon. I’m in dire need of a vacation. It’s been so long. It has not really been stressful lately, but it’s time to see a different part of the world again.

But before going on vacation, I’ll see you again. Not just once, but twice! So good! It makes my heart skip a beat, no, do somersaults in my chest. I almost feel like a little child all pumped up and hyper on too much sugar.

So you’ll come here in a week, next Wednesday evening. You’ll stay at our place again and you’ll surely fill our guest room/my office with your lingering scent once more. On Thursday you’ll go hiking with H and some other buddies. And in the evening we will all go to a friend’s house for some good ol’ BBQ time. On Friday, you’ll probably leave again, but only after we’ll have shared some memorable small moments together.

And only a short week after that, we’ll probably come by your place to pick you up on our way to another friend who moved further away. He invited our group of friends for the long weekend. It’s going to be all fun and games, 3 or 4 days. Oh how wonderful! And that’s about the only occasion I ever get to be in your apartment, see how you live, what you’re up to every day, get a tiny glimpse of how life together with you would be like.

Oh and yes, this upcoming Sunday, we’ll probably play that online game together with H again, while talking to each other via TeamSpeak. It has already become a bit of a tradition on Sundays lately. I’m looking forward to that as well. I get to do something with you, become part of your life, your day, your fun. And I just love hearing your voice, laughing about your jokes…aaahhh, I’m melting right now just thinking of you…(really must be the hormones…)

A Dream

H and I went to sleep way too early on Saturday. It was only 9:30pm! H was tired and I did not really know what else to do. But whenever I go to sleep “out of schedule”, I tend to not sleep well. Saturday was no exception. First I had a nightmare (unrelated to you) that woke me up in the middle of the night and kept me from falling asleep for probably about an hour. When I finally managed to doze off again, I dreamed of you:

It was night and apparently, we were at a friend’s house, together with other friends. We all crashed in one big room, on sleeping bags or on the guest sofa. You and I were on that sofa next to each other. No clue where H was in that dream. He was nowhere to be seen. Anyway, you were topless, in your boxer shorts. You were not yet asleep, but talking to someone in that room, whispering in the night. And I just touched your stomach, started to caress it, your soft skin. Then you got up, went into a closet to change your clothes (yup, weird place to do that, but it was a dream after all…) and came back. You told me to take the outer side of the sofa. And then you told me, in a pretty harsh tone of voice: “If you touch me again, I’ll push you off!” Oh, the rejection! But I slid over and turned around, my back towards you. I eventually ended up sleeping on the floor, far away from you. (But I am sure that you did not push me.)

The dream went on with us waking up and we both were searching for the bathroom to freshen up in the morning. It was a huge building (seemed like a youth hostel or something like that), so we had to walk a lot. And while walking, you told me that you did and said what you did last night only because you did not want anyone else in that room to get suspicious. You then said something like “I really liked the way you touched me. You would like it, too, wouldn’t you?” and you suddenly started to caress my back, my arms. I was so shocked, I started shivering and trembling. Oh, I loved it so much.

And then I woke up…

…but I kept this feeling all day. This sweet feeling of knowing I was right all along, that you do indeed love me back. The warmth of your touch felt so real.

I like dreaming of you. When I do, it’s often a nice dream in which you like or even love me. For a day or two after such a dream, I feel so high on love. I wonder if you dream of me once in a while and what happens in these dreams, how they make you feel afterwards. Wouldn’t it be amazing if I could make myself appear in your dreams, make you want and desire me? Make you fall in love with me?

Sweeter Than Cake And Chocolate

I was hungry even though I had eaten plenty for dinner. I had a craving for cake. The one your mother had made for us. I asked H to please bring me a piece, but he was too comfortable in his armchair. I jokingly begged him. I could have gone to the kitchen myself, true. But I felt just as comfortable. And then suddenly you put the cake platter in front of me and even gave me a spoon to eat! Wow! Did not have to ask you (would not have asked you). And yet, you just did it.

You also brought chocolate for H and me this time. It was another weekend get-together. Actually, you just wanted to give us back that gift bag that we always give you on Christmas or your birthday (it’s the same gift bag every time; we reuse it and it has become a bit of a running joke between us – you get it…). So you gave it back to us so that we could use it again for you on the next occasion. But it wasn’t just the empty bag; you’d filled it with chocolate. And you even picked one of my favorite kinds for me!

It was so thoughtful of you. Thank you! You’re such a nice, great guy. You’re so sweet. In fact, you’re sweeter than that cake and that chocolate you gave…

Tired

I am so damn tired right now. Just want to go to bed and sleep all day and night. It’s true that I am on new medication and it seems that I am still not fully used to it. It makes me drowsy and fatigued. But the problem is also you.

I am so tired of loving you, trying to get your attention, figuring out what you really feel. I cannot handle this anymore. It’s too much. It’s draining all energy out of me. I’m incapable of doing anything productive, useful. I have work to do; I should study and go to work part-time. But I can’t. I just want to do something – anything – that helps pass the time until I see you again. But it can’t be anything requiring too much attention or concentration. I can’t concentrate on anything right now. My mind is a mess. Whatever I do, whatever I read or see, I’ll always find a piece in there that I could connect to you somehow.

I am so busy keeping track of time. I am constantly counting down the days until I can see you again. I don’t live in the moment; I am not present in the here and now. When you’re not with me, all I can do is wait until you are again. I can’t enjoy myself. Can’t find the pleasure in anything. It’s really bad. I miss you like crazy. And I go crazy because of it. It’s draining. I am so tired.

I don’t want to love you anymore. If only I could stop. Get my life back again. I want to be normal, be a good student, a reliable employee and most importantly: a loving wife to H.

Damn you! I would fiercely swear at you, curse you, tell you to go fly a kite, if only I weren’t so tired…

Selfish, Stupid and Silly

You left 20 minutes ago. Time for a summary:

So we had the surprise birthday party for H yesterday. Not sure if it was really a good idea, after all. H did not like this kind of surprise. The party itself was fun for him, but he’d rather have organised it with me or at least have known about it, been mentally prepared for it. So from that side, it was probably a stupid idea.

And it was weird to be around you this time. You seemed so distant. Cold even. Maybe bored and annoyed a bit. Not sure. There were not many “moments” we shared together, not many glances or at least smiles. In retrospect, I feel silly to have thought you’d come here not only for H’s birthday but also to see me.

Overall it was a rather selfish move of me to have organised and planned it this way.

Do I regret it? Last night in bed, I did. H talked to me about it a bit and how we should do it next time, a bit disappointed he seemed. And I felt sad that it was over already without really anything I could have taken from it, nothing I got in return from you. Now, however, after that morning together, I do not regret it. Again, you surrounded yourself in that fragrance, your scent still lingering in the air. I remember your smile during breakfast. And your stunning looks. You do look handsome in that dark blue plaid shirt. Sexy even. (You got skinnier, though. Please don’t get too bony, a little bit of meat doesn’t hurt.) Anyway, we had some moments this morning. I enjoyed them.

But I’d probably not do something like this again. It was indeed selfish, stupid and silly.