The weekend with your family, with you, went by way too fast. But I knew that this was going to happen. I also knew that I would feel all this pain to leave and be apart from you again. So here I am now, revisiting the past 3 days, trying to find out more about us.
When H and I arrived, you were already there. We greeted each other fleetingly. As is usually the case when we first see each other after some time of absence, we are more like distant acquaintances than good friends or family. It always takes us a little time to warm up to each other. I mentioned it before, we’re somewhat of the same character, same mentality. Introverted. In the background.
But this time, this feeling of distance between us was enhanced by you frequently checking your smart phone. I am not sure what you were doing exactly on it, but you stayed even more in the background than other times. Instead of participating in the usual “warming-up” small-talk, you said almost nothing, laid down in the corner of the couch and played with your phone. Whatever you were doing, I felt so sad about it. And jealous! Yes, I felt jealous. I’ve been through this type of behaviour before as well and it was always when I was in the beginning phases of a potential romantic relationship. I’d often be checking social networks for that person of interest or my emails to see if he had replied again. I’d be constantly connected. And in order to indulge in my fantasies, I’d be lieing down a lot and daydreaming. That’s what you seemed to be doing, too. You lied down a lot on the couch, doing nothing, closing your eyes.
I know, this could all mean nothing at all. Maybe you were just tired. Maybe you just checked your emails so often because you were waiting for an answer from that job interview you did the day before. Maybe you were just bored.
But maybe you’re in the midst of a blossoming new romantic endeavour.
I don’t like to admit it, don’t like to think about it. But that’s my biggest fear when it comes to you – you finding someone else to love. To be honest, I kind of like the fact that you’re single. It leaves the possibility, even if extremely small, that you do love me back. It’s totally naive of me to think this way, but yes, my silly heart tries to convince me that you actually were not honest with me when I had asked you about your feelings for me. That you lied to me, denied your feelings for me, so that no one would get hurt, especially not H, your brother. We watched some old slides from when you guys were young kids and I know that you are so close to each other, inseparable almost. You would never hurt him. So that adds to my silly thought process. I still get the impression once in a while, when I talk to you or am near you, that certain things you do seem to suggest that you do feel something for me, but that you’re trying to suppress it, not show it.
I know that this is silly. The truth is probably exactly what you told me. That there are no feelings for me that you would need to deny or hide. But my heart plays these tricks on me. It makes me feel better to think that we cannot be together even though we love each other, just because we’re bound by moral codes, because we’re loyal to the other ones we love, to family.
I wouldn’t know what to do should you announce one day that you have a girlfriend. Or worse, that you’re about to get married. Or have a baby with her. This is really selfish of me. I know that. I know that when we love someone unconditionally, we should want them to be happy. And if that happiness entails a loving relationship with someone else, we should accept it and be at peace with it. I don’t think I can do that. Yes, I do want you to be happy. But it’s so hard to accept the fact that I am not playing the part of your happiness that I would like to play. I wonder: would I even get along with her? Ever? I generally have a problem becoming friends with women, I am more comfortable around guys. So it would be so much harder accepting a woman who is with you, who could potentially become part of the family. I cannot imagine what I would feel. How would I handle seeing you two show affection towards each other, kissing, caressing… On the other hand – should my silly thoughts be true – I cannot imagine what you’d be feeling each time H and I are publicly intimate. Or are you jealous, even if you don’t feel anything for me? Are you jealous just because of the fact that you are not in a relationship with someone?
Oh why does it have to be so complicated? Is the human race really made to be monogamous? Or do society and some arbitrary moral rules dictate us to be in such a one-and-one relationship? Would it be so wrong to be together with more than one person? If all consented to it, why should there be an issue? I guess, it wouldn’t work that all agreed to it. Jealousy is a nasty feeling, uncontrollable. It’s a nice fantasy to think about being in a sharing relationship with H and you at the same time, everyone involved thinking it’s just fine. But how would I feel if we added another woman to the equation, make it a 4-way-relationship, interchange the pairings? Would I feel okay when you have alone-time with her? Or if it’s H’s turn with her? That would never work. I wouldn’t be able to handle it. Why should you? It only works in an ideal world and that one only exists in my fantasy.
So let’s go back to reality. I’m not making any progress here. I am stuck. When I am not with you for a while, I feel okay. With every day apart, I miss you less and I think of you more as a friend, almost like a brother. But as soon as I see you again, spend some time with you, I cannot help the yearning for more. We had this great talk together on Saturday. Just you and me, no one else. I felt so comfortable. It was fun. A friendly conversation, harmless. But whenever I caught a glimpse of your skin, whenever you smiled directly at me, I wanted more. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not all sexual. In fact, I just want to be in your arms, touch your warm skin, smell you, hear your heartbeat, feel your breath on me. It’s this yearning for you that makes me sad, because I already have all these wonderful things with H. He holds me in his arms so often, I can feel his warm skin, smell him, listen to his heartbeat, feel his breath on me. It’s not that something’s missing in my life, there’s no void that I am trying to fill with you. It hurts to feel this way. I am so scared to hurt H, to lose him, should he ever find out. I am happy with him and I am not just saying this. I cannot explain why I feel for you this way, what I want from you.
Maybe it’s just right the way everything is right now. I am happy with H, you’re single, so I can indulge in my strange fantasies, no need to feel jealous. But then again, I don’t think that you can be happy this way. And that should count a lot as well. So it is NOT right. I will need to finally stop these feelings for you, forget about you, at least as a potential love partner. I should be happy to have you as a good friend, as a brother-in-law. We get along well. Everything else will only destroy this. Why can I not stop this mess?