My Worst Fear

When you and H finally came back from that day trip, you said hello to me, but furtively and right away, you left again to go to the beach. That surprised me as it was evening and the weather wasn’t that good even. And then when you finally got back yet again, you went straight onto your portable computer. You barely interacted with me. Instead you were writing and reading emails, with a little smile on your face and you didn’t really let yourself get distracted from it. You were happy amd a bit hyper afterwards.

It seems as if you might be having a girlfriend or are about to get one…

Which would be the worst possible timing for something like this, right when I have fallen completely for you again and am trying to cope with having this vacation together end soon.

I feel like crying. I am so stupid and naive. Damn you… Silly me…

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Surprising Discovery

Shortly before 7 AM today, you and H left to go on that day trip together with your stepdad. You won’t be back before 9 PM, so now I have this vacation house to myself. Good opportunity to sneak into your bedroom. I just want to get a feel for you, how you’ve been living the last days. Am I a creepy stalker? Maybe. Maybe not. It gives me a chance to be a little bit closer to you, perhaps even to find out a little bit more about you. More private things. Looking for clues also.

In your room, right next to the door, there’s a chest of drawers. That’s where I looked first. You had a small pouch for cosmetic items on it, made out of see-through plastic. It was so thin, not much in it. I carefully picked it up and wanted to see if there was something in it that would emit your scent. (As you may know, I really like the way you smell.) But what I found in there really surprised me: condoms! (2 of them actually, one even XXL size)

So that raises a few questions for me, mainly of course, why did you bring this here with you? You obviously never went out while here to meet women. You spent most of your time either with us, or bicycling, or going swimming in the morning. Sure, you could have met women while supposedly being on a tour, but then again, you always showed us your tracked routes and there just wasn’t any time to do other things (unless of course, you’re into quickies in the bushes or things like that…) So really, the only women around you here on this vacation are your mother and me, and I’m sure we don’t even have to take your mother into consideration in this matter.

The only other possible option would be that it’s part of your standard travelling equipment. You’ve travelled to different places recently on your own or with business colleagues (males, as far as I know), so it’s likely you’ve taken the condoms with you on those trips and you simply forgot to take them out for this one now.

Yet, I still wonder why you left them there, so easy to find. Okay, you probably wouldn’t expect anyone to walk into your room and check your stuff. You’d assume people respect your privacy. I didn’t mean to intrude. I’ve been careful. Other than looking at that pouch, I only carefully sat down on your bed and glanced over your scattered clothes on the second bed in that room. I don’t want to leave a trace, don’t want you to find out that I was there. However, might there be a small chance that you actually expected or even hoped that I would do just that today, given the opportunity? Did you want me to find it? If so, was it to show me that you have sex with other women? Or to show me that you would be prepared to have sex with me?

Or does it mean nothing at all again? Did you just forget to unpack them for this trip and then you simply put them there without even realizing it? That’s probably the most likely scenario, even though it’s not my most preferred one…

Complete Relapse

Here we are again. Back at square one. I have completely lost my mind about you. I’m craving you. This vacation here has not been helping. It’s been making things worse. I have thoroughly enjoyed every minute near or with you. But the more time we spend together, the greedier I get and the more I want you. I want to spend even more time with you. I don’t want this to end. We will part ways on Saturday. I don’t know what I will do then.

Again there are these thoughts that you might actually be into me, want me as much as I want you, but that you will not confess in order to not destroy your relationship with your brother, your mother and whoever else would be collateral damage. I know that you told me otherwise. More than once already. But no matter how hard I try to convince myself that this was the truth, that there really is nothing you feel for me other than what a normal brother-in-law would feel for his sister-in-law, there is always this desperate voice in my heart telling me it’s not true. He does love you.

I don’t know how to stop this again, to make this voice shut up. Well, there is one way for sure. The same like last times: I would have to talk to you again, be open and honest with you. But this time, I don’t want this. We’re finally getting along again. I mean, you’re not avoiding me anymore; you’re not making subtle and mean comments anymore to keep me at bay; we can actually talk like normal people again. It has taken us more than 2 years. I don’t want to ruin this again by bothering you with this crap once more. So this time, I will have to find a way to deal with this by myself. Without your help or your input. I have absolutely no clue how.

Right now, I still have a few days left with you here. I will enjoy every minute still. Tomorrow, you’re actually going on a day trip to another island. So I won’t see you for the day. H is coming with you. I will be home alone. But that will give me time to think about things and probably come back here and get more off my chest. That’s hopefully one way to deal with this issue now by myself.

(Gosh, you’re hot. You just came back from a bicycling trip, earlier than expected. Seeing you in that outfit…I just wish to take it off you. You just mentioned that you’d come with us to the beach later on. Now I’m nervous. Will we be going swimming together? Will I be able to see more of your hot body?)

On Vacation Together

Yes, we are on vacation together – you, H and I. It’s been planned for over a year, it was your mother’s idea. They rented the apartment next to our cottage here at the coast of the Baltic Sea. We’re sharing a home now, at least for 12 days.

At first I wasn’t too fond of the idea, still couldn’t deal with how you reacted to my last confession. And I wanted to avoid you as much as possible.

Recently things have changed again, however. It’s still mainly only a physical attraction, but it drives me crazy. Both in a good and a bad way. It was bad when we met 3 weeks ago for that big birthday party of your stepdad. I was so obsessed with getting your attention and showing off my female benefits while at the same time realizing that it’d be still absolutely pointless and destructive and unhealthy and wrong and (…fill in any other negative attribute…) that I got sad and more depressed than I already usually am due to my mental illness.

And now look at me: sharing this vacation time and place with you does all kinds of emotional things to me. I feel happy, lustful, disappointed and sad, all within hours mostly. But you know what? I don’t care. Not yet, at least.

I want to test the boundaries, test your reactions. As I am sure there is nothing to lose or gain from it as you’re definitely not interested, at least let me play around a little with you. I want to subtly flirt, ignite some sexual sparks. I want to be in your head next time you pleasure yourself, even if you don’t want it. I just want to have that little bit of power over you.

Or at least the illusion that I could have that type of power over you…

Let me have some fun.