Gone again

You left again. Went back home. All I have left now is a brand new computer mouse that you brought and left here, not really as a gift, but for your next visit when you are going to play multi-player computer games against H again. I don’t really care about the mouse, but I’ll keep it of course and I’ll use it nonetheless, because it came from you after all.

You also left me with a handful of new memories to add to my secret drawer, a drawer hidden in my heart. It’s where I keep all those short moments with you, glimpses of what we could have or of what I wish we could have. Dreams, fantasies. I also try to keep the memory of your scent in there. I don’t know what you use, if it is your shower gel or your deodorant or some type of after-shave. Whatever it is, it drives me crazy! After I catch a first whiff of it, I am hooked, trying to get more of it, inhale it, let it flow into me. I am consuming it, consuming you. (I wonder if you would still put it on if you knew the effects it has on me.)

However, I am not able to keep this scent in my memory. It’s too fleeting. Right now, I already forgot what it’s like. Can’t find the words to describe it. It usually lingers a little longer in my room, our guest room where you normally stay. I would spend more time in there after you’d leave, just to hold onto something of you. Even if it’s just your lingering scent. But today, it faded so quickly. The air is clear. It’s gone. You’re gone. Again.

And I feel pretty sad this time. I miss you. There were easier times recently; there were even times when it didn’t bother me at all anymore! But today is tough again. Thoughts are running through my head; I am wondering: Why and how did I fall in love with you? It’s such a mystery. There is no logical explanation. I am happily married to H. I love him so much. He loves me so much. He is perfect, all I ever wanted! He is the man with whom I want to start a family, grow old together. He is also your brother, for God’s sake!

My heart must have been drunk when it decided I should also fall for you…