Another weekend get-together is over. It felt really good to see you again, after a seemingly endless stretch of 6 weeks. It was worth waiting for so long.
The weather was beautiful, still is. Spring is in the air; sunshine warming up the heart; cheerful feelings. It makes me feel even more flirtatious, in love. And it nourishes my imagination. Whenever I had a quiet minute for myself, I fantasized about how we would secretly find ways to be close to each other, touch, kiss and maybe more, while the others are out or busy doing other things. We could meet downstairs, in the basement, in the laundry room. We’d whisper how much we miss each other. You’d caress my face, gently play with my hair. Before going back up, we’d kiss. When being around the others, we’d secretly exchange meaningful glances, our feet or hands touching unnoticeably to anyone but us.
Or I would imagine how you would finally admit to me that you lied before and that you actually do feel something for me. It would be subtle again. A gentle touch, almost as if by accidence. But then another one, letting me know that it was intentional. Later you’d find an opportunity alone with me, tell me how you feel, touch me again. Try to kiss me. I’d push you away at first, but you’d insist, try again. And I would give in to you. How could I resist? I’d put my arms around you; enjoy your warm embrace, fleeting and furtive, because we’d have to be careful. Someone might come and see.
My mind got ahead of me. Of us. I was thinking about all these things. Dreaming and fantasizing about what it would be like. But I never even once thought about the consequences of all this. It would be so wrong. A sin. We’d be hellbound.
But right now, I don’t really care. I want you. I can’t help it. I’m so into you. I don’t want to give up these warm and fuzzy feelings, the passion, the lust you evoke in me. This fire within, the volcano.
And you’re not exactly helping to stop this anyway. No, quite the opposite actually. I still get the impression that you feel something for me. I have tried to observe your behavior as neutral as possible and I just don’t know how else to interpret what you do and how you act around me.
Let me give you an example: during meals, we were sitting at the round dinner table, H between the two of us. So you were not exactly opposite of me, but somewhat at an angle. When we both were leaning back, H would block our views of each other’s faces. That gave me a nice chance to look at you, out of the corner of my eye, by pretending to look at H or at what he was eating while really just trying to look at you and what you were doing. And more than just once, I caught you doing the same thing! You were looking at H’s plate while briefly glancing over to me. Or just when I looked somewhere else, I’d still keep you in my sight (I have great peripheral vision…) and would see when you turned your head towards me, even if it was just for a short moment. I get that once in a while one would stare somewhere while thinking, lost in thoughts, without realizing what one is looking at. But would I turn my head that much to one side? Would you?
Another example: during conversations, when someone said something funny, you’d laugh and look at me, laugh with me. Even when the joke was not in any way related to us. Instead of looking at the person the joke was about, you looked at me. I love that so much. Seeing you smile, and your beautiful blue-grey eyes! They are so mesmerizing! Gets me every time!
Anyway, it feels like we’re searching for each other when we’re among other people. We’re trying to connect. Always looking to make contact. I am not imagining that. You’re not doing that with H, for example. That’s a fact. Why not? Are you just reacting to me doing it first? It would be milliseconds. Not sure if you could register what I am doing so quickly. Could it not be that we are so much alike or even feel so much the same that we are bonding like that? Reaching out to each other subliminelly?
Right now, I want to believe that this is true, that you love me, too. And I want to pursue this. I don’t want to give up on this hope that we could be together one day, even if it’s just for a few moments, minutes, hours or days. Without regrets.
And maybe we can even avoid hell…