Not Again Please

I don’t even know where to start. My last entry here is more than 2 years old. It’s been more than 2 years free from your spell. More than 2 years in which I didn’t care about you. I even wished at times that I wouldn’t see you, that you wouldn’t come visit us or wouldn’t stay as long as you’d planned. I still hadn’t warmed up to you again after you so rudely dismissed me that day back in September 2014.

Just last month, H had planned his birthday party for the long weekend where you’d be in town anyway for the guys’ hiking trip like every year. So you were supposed to stay here from Wednesday evening until Sunday morning. I didn’t look forward to that. I didn’t want you to be around for so long. Then H got sick that Friday and had to cancel his party. He suggested for you to leave and go back home so that you wouldn’t catch whatever virus he had. So that was it. You left early and I was relieved. H rescheduled the party for the weekend after. You couldn’t come then, had other plans already. And again, I was relieved. I couldn’t care less actually. Just a side note.

But then there was this weekend get-together with your family 3 days ago. I don’t know what happened. Suddenly, out of nowhere, literally, it hit me. There it was. Again. The desire. The wish to get your attention.

I noticed how good you were looking in that black shirt. I noticed your skin showing as you were sitting on the couch, your notebook on your lap. I noticed your quick glance at my breasts at the dinner table. I noticed you smile at me a few times. Hesitant, but it was there. You made a joke, trying to lock me out on the veranda. I managed to avoid that. It kinda was like that Christmas when I first had feelings for you. A very long time ago, it seemed. Almost forgotten. I was so sure that I was over you for good.

When I noticed the first signs of confusion again, I immediately tried to dismiss them. Get them out of my head. Don’t even go there, I told myself. Let’s not start this again.

Back home again, Monday morning, home alone, thoughts were running through my head. And worse, I felt it in my groin. Purely sexual. I could not get you out of my head like this. It got worse on Tuesday. The longing got stronger. The same feelings from past, long gone desires for you. And today is Wednesday and it seems to get worse every day.

Why? How did this happen again? For f***’s sake, I don’t need this shit right now! What’s wrong with me? I’m craving you again. I know that I don’t love you. I would even go as far as to say that I don’t like you still. There was just too much hurt you put me through that I won’t be able to forgive you. Yet, my body wants you I guess. My hormones are out of balance. They’re going crazy. I don’t know why. Like I said, I don’t need this drama right now. I’ve got enough issues to deal with right now. But maybe they are partly to blame for this mess now. I’m currently in therapy for depression. H and I had another miscarriage in 2015 and we found out that I have a genetic disorder that drastically reduces the chance for us to have a healthy child. I’m trying to deal with all this. That’s more than enough on my plate right now. I don’t want to go back to this mess with you. I’ve had enough. Please don’t start this again. Get the f*** out of my mind!

 

You’ve Been Replaced

Time for another update on the whole matter: I don’t care about you anymore! You’re out of my heart, for good! I don’t have any bad feelings towards you either, or let’s just say: a lot less… It feels sooooo good. And I truly enjoyed the long stretch of time that I didn’t see you now. 2 months to be precise. Last time I saw you was on New Year’s. There had been plans for some more events in between then and now, but they each got cancelled for various reasons. And I simply didn’t give a damn! Yeah!

I am happy with H. I am in love with H. Besides, life is good overall.

When it comes to innocent fantasies and teenagey crushes, you’ve been replaced. This might sound odd. No matter how happy I am in a relationship, I tend to look for some random person to crush on. It’s usually someone really unattainable, like a famous person or someone I see on the bus almost every morning. I don’t know if that’s normal. Or if this happens to other people as well. I don’t find it strange or unacceptable even, as long as I don’t go all crazy and act upon it. But that’s often the crux, especially if that random person is at least somewhat attainable after all. To be honest, I’ve had my past stalkings of bus people (during my first marriage, which was broken anyway). And when this “random crush” involved you, things got too complicated because there actually seemed a high chance that this could become more than just a fantasy. So that messed me up.

However, it’s over. And now there’s a new crush. This time, unattainable again. He’s a somewhat famous person even though he has a rather small audience. I actually know where he lives; I know his real name (most know only his alias). But I’ll try to keep it innocent. Just fantasies. A few daydreams. Once in a while. For fun.

You’re out of the picture now. And it’s not only whenever he’s on my screen.

Gone Again…For Good!

It’s been  a while since my last visit here. Well, I’ve been avoiding it, avoiding you. I just don’t want to be around you anymore, don’t want to think of you anymore. I’d like you to stay completely out of my life, to be honest. That won’t be possible, considering you’re my brother-in-law, but the least I can do is stay away from you as much as I can.

It’s not so much the fact that you obviously have no feelings for me at all or that you were nice to me for no reason at all and without even realizing it yourself. It’s more due to your recent behaviour after I had that talk with you. You’ve been avoiding me as well at first, not inviting me to play the online game with you anymore; in conversations around other people you’ve also dropped clear hints for me that you have no feelings for me, sometimes in a rather rude way or tone of voice. And during the last weekend get-together the two of us talked about general stuff before the conversation turned to the game. I told you that I’ve been struggling with something in it and you simply told me that I’d need to stop playing badly. How rude! You weren’t even joking. I mean, sure, I’m not the best player in it, but whenever we played together, we all had decent and good games. You never said a word and now this?  And I stopped playing with you and H because as you seem to get better, you keep checking your stats and you keep noticing that you’re above average now, actually turning into a very good player and you’ve started to play the game in such a selfish way… I don’t want to take this game too seriously, but somehow this attitude reflects your personality in “real life” as well. I guess you are indeed rather selfish.

Just like when your mother urged you to put a sweater or a jacket on to not catch a cold when standing on the veranda on a cold autumn evening and you almost snapped back at her “I haven’t been sick for 6 years and I won’t get sick now either!” Leaving the rude way of replying aside, I know that this is in fact not true. I remember an incidence last year during a get-together where I drank from your cup and finding out afterwards that you had a cold back then. (I remember clearly as I was pregnant at that time and slightly worried of catching your cold.) It’s probably not a big deal as such, but I don’t get it. How come I realize now what kind of person you truly are? How could I have not seen this before? Was I really so much blinded by love? Or did you just turn into this jerk now? Is it a parade for me to deter me from further loving you? If it’s the latter, well…you succeeded!

Christmas and New Year’s are just around the corner. In past years I would have been really excited to see you, to be around you for a couple of days here and there, a long weekend, the holidays. This year, however, I am glad that we’re doing the celebrations at our place and you’ll only stay a night on Christmas day and then again one night only during New Year’s. And I’ll be glad when it’s over and you’re gone again…for good!

Taking Care

You actually remembered and called me up on my birthday yesterday! I seriously did not expect it. When I saw your name on the display on the ringing phone, I was pleasantly surprised. Your birthday wishes were nice, but they came with a bit of an aftertaste or slightly bitter undertone: besides the usual wishes for good health and good luck, you also wished for me to be able “to take care of the thing eventually”.

You did not elaborate, but I could guess that the thing is my inappropriate feelings for you. Glad to hear that it’s still on your mind sometimes and that you’re not completely oblivious to it or ignoring it. But then again, I didn’t really like the way you phrased it or put it as a side note amongst the birthday wishes. And how am I supposed to take care of it? It’s not like a chore I could put into my schedule. There’s nothing really I could do to change my feelings from one day to the other. Granted, it got better already or changed a lot at least. I mentioned it before: my romantic, lovey-dovey feelings for you are gone and for the most part have been replaced by spiteful ones. But you don’t know this. So you telling me to take care of it the way you did just feels wrong.

Business As Usual

I’ve been absent from here for quite some time now. And that’s also due to your absence from my mind recently. Well, you’re not completely absent, however. Once in a while I think of you. Unfortunately, my thoughts are never neutral.

Most of the time, I actually have bad thoughts. Mean ones. I’m still angry, I guess. I curse you. Last time with your parents, we looked at some photos and a video they took when they visited you. On that video, you looked rather uncomfortable being filmed. And I found comfort in your discomfort. Serves you right, I thought. When we talk about that online game, I always feel delighted to hear when you had a bad day with lots of losses. I don’t know why these things make me feel better. But they do, I must admit.

Then occasionally, I have good thoughts about you. Well, not really good in a sense that I feel all dazed and crazy in love. Those times are over. But I think my mind is still trying to trick me into thinking that you still haven’t told me the truth about the way you feel towards me. Crazy, isn’t it? I got your confirmation twice now and my stupid mind (or maybe it’s my stupid heart) still intends to prove you wrong, that you keep on lying about your true feelings for me for moral reasons, to protect your brother, to protect the ones you love. How silly is that?! I know well enough that none of this is true, but these kind of thoughts keep coming back once in a while.

Your behaviour around me has returned to the state it was in before, after your initial reaction seemed to be to ignore me altogether. We’ve played that online game together again (with H); we’ve talked on the phone again, like normal people (or as if nothing ever happened). You then even asked me how I was doing! This “kindness” – or whatever it really is – caught me off guard; I didn’t even know right away what to answer. So you continue where we left off. I am not sure what to make of it.

I wonder if you will call today or send me an email. It’s my birthday. Last year, you completely forgot. And even when H gave you a hint, you still forgot. So I won’t expect anything from you this time. However, I’m curious to see what you’ll do (or not do).

The More Loving One

Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.

How should we like it if stars were to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.

Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.

Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little time.

– W. H. Auden

This poem is wonderful. And it describes my situation so perfectly: I feel so much hate for you now, but how can that be any better than what you are doing to me or have done to me? I’ll have to learn to accept you for what you are, try to be as kind as possible. If you cannot be the nice or caring one, let it be me then.

True Colours

I think you’re avoiding me now. You haven’t asked me even once to play with you this week, while you’d asked me every day last week! Really? How come? I’m tired of making excuses for you, so it’s safe to say that you’re doing it on purpose. You simply do not want to have anything to do with me right now.

You’re such a messed up person. When you’re nice, it’s by accident, not on purpose. And now you’re intentionally avoiding me and being a jerk. Well fuck off! Guess you’re showing your true colours finally. And mine are coming through, too. I’m so pissed off at you right now. I’m trying to distract myself, go about my usual routine, but whenever I think of you, I get really mad and angry.

I still can’t believe how I could have been so wrong in judging you. I really thought you were the nicest guy on earth. That long weekend trip to our friend’s place in June was so magical. Sitting next to you during the role playing game, our feet touching, you pulling me into the conversation while placing your hand on my thigh…that was so wonderful. And I remember so many good moments with you from that weekend. Like I said, it felt truly magical to me. And now I have absolutely no clue what it was all about. Where did all the magic go? Did I imagine it all? Maybe I don’t want to know the truth behind your actions and feelings from that trip. Maybe I want to keep this as my last illusion of you that I could retreat to. I’ve held you in such high regard.

It’s all gone now.

The Aftermath

Angry, bitter, sad, disappointed, bewildered. If I had to summarize my feelings right now, that’s what it would be. I’m trying to come to terms with what happened with you. I really do not have a problem that you do not love me back, that you have no romantic feelings for me. What’s hurting the most is the fact that there are no other feelings for me, apparently. I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that, on the outside, you can appear to be the nicest guy on earth, doing all the right things, when on the inside, you’re just shallow. Or you’re just doing them automatically, or by chance, by accident. I actually don’t know what’s going on in your mind when you’re being nice. It just never seemed possible to me that someone could be nice without realizing it or doing it on purpose. I mean, it’s a conscious decision for me, especially when it comes to doing specific nice things as opposed to a general kindness. Bringing someone a piece of chocolate or cake, not letting someone eat alone in a room by him- or herself, playfully touching someone’s leg during a game are all things I normally wouldn’t just do randomly to anyone. If I liked that person, I would want to be kind to him/her, I would at least somewhat consciously decide how I could brighten up his/her day, make him/her feel happy. And even if I am nice to a complete stranger, I would still remember it afterwards. It’s so hard to believe that you never even once thought about all the nice things you did for me, that I would even need to remind you of having done them at all.

The revelation that something like this would be indeed possible and that out of all the people you are the one where this is the case is crushing me. And it makes me so angry and bitter. How could I have been so dumb? So ignorant of this? How could I have fallen for an empty shell like you?

I tried to avoid you at your parents’ place this weekend. When we got there, I was able to still act normally, talk and act around you as usual. Then the first night there was bad. I could barely sleep. I even shed some tears. On Saturday I started avoiding you. I did not want to look at you even. I couldn’t bear noticing your body spray again, the usual lingering scent. When someone made a joke, I would not look at your to see if you were laughing as well. I did not want to make a connection again. When your mother called me over to her on the couch when she needed help with her knitting, I had to sit between the two of you. While I explained her something, your feet were touching my leg. Did you even notice? Did you not care again? Were you even aware of it? I couldn’t move away from it; there was no room. When I got up again, my shirt was stuck under your foot. You said “oh” and I answered “don’t worry,” but I couldn’t or did not want to look at you.

I also remember two other incidences where it seemed quite obvious that at least those things were done fully with intent on your part:  the first one was some kind of conversation with everyone. I don’t remember what it was about. However, you made a statement, loud and clear (so unlike what you usually do), saying “I’m just too nice.” Seriously?! That must have been a hint. The other incidence was when H had asked me for a favour. I was in a playful mood so I teasingly denied. H continued the playful conversation, pretending to chew on my arm and saying: “You could get out of it, if my brother did the favour for me. Do you think he would do it if I threatened to bite your arm? Would he save you?” Almost simultaneously you and I answered “no”. Mine was slightly on the disappointed scale (no, unfortunately you would never save me), but yours was so determined and firm (hell no!). Maybe you didn’t mean it that harsh, but then again, maybe you did. Whatever, you made it clear. Another hint, I guess.

On Sunday I also tried to avoid you. Maybe I made it even more obvious then. I have to admit I felt almost hateful towards you. Angry and bitter. I wanted you to notice that I am trying to stay or get out of your way. I wanted you to see me moping and pouting, being upset, being angry. After lunch, when the others got up already, it was just you and me at the table. I waited a bit; we weren’t talking. Then I got up, cleared the table. When I came back, I did not sit down again, but walked right past you into the garden, leaving you alone at the table. In the past, I would have sat down again. We might not have talked much then either, but at least I would have chosen your company. I doubt you would have noticed the difference. (Do you even notice anything at all???)  That day I also locked myself for about half an hour into the guestroom H and I were staying in. It’s in the basement right next to your guestroom there. At one point I heard that you were also in your room. Shortly after, I wanted to go back upstairs, but when I got out of the room, I ran into H who was worried a bit. He asked me if I was okay, if I was upset. Your door was open and I knew you would hear us, so I said loud and clear “yes, I’m a bit upset.”

I didn’t smile at you whenever our eyes met, I actually looked away quickly again. I did not give you a hug to say goodbye either. I don’t know if you noticed any of it. If so, you probably don’t even care. I really wonder what’s going on in your head at times. I saw you a few times sitting by yourself at the pond in the backyard, lost in thoughts apparently. What were you thinking about? Do I ever cross your mind? Do you think about our conversation once in a while? Or am I just an afterthought?

I don’t know what to think of you now. I don’t know what to do around you now. I would like to avoid you, shun you even. Screw up your pointless sharade. I should log onto that game every day of this week, knowing you’re still on vacation. And then wait for you to ask me again if we should platoon, just to say “no, screw you!” Well, I wouldn’t say screw you, but I would feel better to let you down, to disappoint you. Even if it’s just a tiny bit of a fraction of the pain you have caused me. I want you to know that you hurt me. But I guess it wouldn’t matter to you. I am of no concern to you in a good way, so why would it matter in a bad way?

Like I said, I am angry and bitter now. Maybe I am also starting to hate you a bit. It’s going to be difficult to get back into a somewhat normal state towards you again.

Nothing

The doorbell is ringing. I’m stalling before I push the button to open the door. You’ll have to come upstairs, 5th floor. I’m pacing back and forth. So nervous. It’s ringing again. You’re at the apartment door. A deep breath and I’m opening it. There you are. You’re entering. We’re hugging to say hello. “Did you get wet a lot?,” I’m asking since it’s raining outside. “Just a bit,” you’re answering. You’re going into the living room, then into the kitchen to get a glass of water, while I’m still pacing around from one room to another, pretending to pack things together. I’m stalling again. What’s the point? Let’s do this!

I’m going back to the living room. You’re looking at me expectingly. “Shall we sit down?,” I’m offering, pointing to the couch. We’re sitting down, well you’re kind of lying down and you’re asking “so what’s it about?”
– “Do you have an idea?”
– “No, not really.”
– “Well, it’s about the same issue that I’d once sent you an email about” I’m shaking, probably blushing. This is more difficult than I thought. Can’t keep my voice and hands calm. I’m playing nervously with the long sleeves of my cardigan. I am daring to go on: “I guess your answer to that question would still be the same now?”
– “Yes.”
I knew it, but my heart is sinking. You are adding: “I have no feelings for you. And it’s nothing personal.”
I’m nodding. Can’t even look at you. You’re looking at me. There’s a pause before I can go on: “I expected this answer. The thing is that I had recently noticed that you did a lot of nice things for me and I wonder why you did them.”
– “Like what, for example?”
– “Well, like when you didn’t let me eat by myself at our friend’s house. You came into the living room to me even though you already had a seat in the kitchen.”
– “Ah. I didn’t even notice until you sent me that email afterwards.”
I’m taken aback. Wait, what? He didn’t even think about this? Just did this for no reason? This seemed to be so obvious to me.
– “What else?,” you want to know. If you can’t even remember having done this on purpose or not, what’s the point of even mentioning the other things?
– “Well, there were a lot of minor things that probably didn’t mean anything at all either, like during that long weekend at our buddy’s place.” I’m so disappointed. I don’t want to go on. We’re sitting there in silence.
– “Maybe you should teach H to be nicer to you,” you’re suggesting.
I feel insulted or that you’re attacking H. ” I’m not saying that H is not nice to me. I don’t know why these feelings keep coming back. I don’t have a reason to look for another man.”
Again there’s uncomfortable silence.
– “I don’t know how I can help you with this,” you’re saying.
– “I know you can’t help me with this. That’s why I needed to talk to you. To get confirmation that those nice things didn’t mean anything. Because I get confused at times. I don’t want you to stop being nice now either; that wouldn’t make sense. Besides, things have changed a bit since the other thing happened.”
– ” What other thing?”
Gee, you really don’t know?, I’m wondering. – “The miscarriage. One starts to think differently about things then.”
More silence. Nothing coming from you. No comforting words of empathy. I’m trying again: “I feel as if we could get along well, like I get along with my brother. But I feel these other feelings keep holding me back when I am around you.”
– “Holding you back from what?”
– “From being the way I really am, I guess. Or simply talking to you about regular stuff.”
– “Well, I don’t talk much anyway. I’m not into small talk.”
– “I noticed that already.”
– “But it doesn’t mean anything either,” you are adding right away, defending yourself as if I’d put this as a sign that you’d feel something for me as well. Oh my… this is not going well at all. You didn’t say anything about at least getting along well with each other. Then you’re mentioning that you inviting me to play that online game together doesn’t mean anything either, that it’s simply more fun to play together. “I figured,” is all I’m saying. I’m out of ideas. Utterly disappointed. I want this to end. So I’m concluding: “Like I said: this would be quick to talk about. We’ve cleared this up, I guess.”
A bit more silence and then you are starting up a conversation about that online game, as if nothing happened. So superficial, so shallow. We’re laughing, making jokes.

Even later on in the car to pick up H from work, we’re casually talking (even though you just told me before that you’re not the type of person for small talk).

At your parents’ house this weekend, same routine as always. I’m hurting so much inside. I kind of expected you to not have romantic feelings for me, but at least I thought there were some nice feelings, of friendship or like brother and sister, because after all, you have done lots of nice things for me. Obvious ones. But apparantly you did them unaware or subconsciously, without really meaning them. So when you said you have no feelings for me, it means no feelings at all. Nothing.

Nothing.

That’s the worst thing. I did not even consider this a possibility.

I’m not your love interest; I’m not your friend; I’m not your sister-in-law. I’m just your brother’s wife. Nothing else. I’m so utterly disappointed and heartbroken. I lost you. I lost your friendship, even though I never had it, I guess.

You Just Called…

… and told me that you’d be taking the later train.

I had hoped you’d be here earlier. It’s raining after all and you said you would take the earlier train if the weather did not permit you to go bicycling. But I won’t blame you for this. I’m just a little disappointed. I hope it didn’t show on the phone…

Okay, so now I got 4 hours to kill. I just finished taking a hot bath, getting ready for you (I washed my hair; I shaved; I even put a freaking cleansing mask on my face, which is something I never ever do…). I do want to look good for you today, even though I am certain that we’ll just talk and nothing else. And I am certain that my feelings for you will not be the same as yours for me. But just in case…