You’re off now with H and other buddies to a bachelor’s party. I’m home alone until tonight which gives me enough time to sit in my room, look outside the window, think of you and sigh and sigh… and your scent is still lingering a bit – once in a while I catch it…and sigh again.
I’m really losing my mind over you. Last night, I could barely sleep. You were in my dreams, but I can’t remember exactly what they were about. I woke up numerous times and was so excited and anxious to finally get up, have breakfast with you, look into your eyes. My heart was racing and I got so excited that my stomach hurt. Butterflies all over. Restless. Impatient. Then I could barely eat anything for breakfast, you sitting right opposite of me. Again, with this white shirt from the raft trip. Same pants. Same everything. Same hotness. Every time our eyes met, more butterflies. I kept glancing at your bare arms, your skin, your little hairs, your muscle outlines… I.Want.To.Touch. And your scent kept crawling over to my side of the table. What are you doing to me? How do you expect me to keep my composure? Are you doing this on purpose? Do you know what this does to me: the way you choose your clothes, put on that body spray, your eyes?
Last night, we all talked about that online tank game. We play it so often, it’s only natural to have discussions about it as well. Last weekend, we platooned together and played for countless hours. On Monday morning, before I had to go to work, I also played a few rounds. And I noticed that you were online as well (before you went to work). So I opened up the ingame chat and asked you jokingly if you hadn’t played enough on the weekend so that you’d need to play again so early on Monday morning (it was 6:30ish). Then my phone rang, but I couldn’t answer as I was right in the middle of a battle. After, I checked and it was you. You then told me in the chat that you couldn’t type before and tried to call, but now it worked again and you were able to reply to my chat message. Anyway, that was actually something that amazed me again. I didn’t really expect you to reply to my chat message; it would have been okay. But then you actually tried to call me when the chat didn’t work…just wow! Do you care so much? Or is that just again your generally friendly nature coming through?
Anyway, what I wanted to say: yesterday morning – Friday morning – I logged onto that game again, knowing perfectly well that there’d be a good chance to see you online as well. You were to come to us right after work so you wouldn’t be able to play that game that day, only in the morning before going to work. And that’s exactly what you did. This time, I didn’t start chatting and I didn’t expect you to do it either. I didn’t even expect you to check if I was online as well. See, the thing about seeing if someone else is online is that you’d need to specifically click on a tab inside the game on which you’d not click if you just wanted to play by yourself. I click on it once in a while when I think you might be there. I like knowing when you do something that I am doing right then as well. I like the feeling of doing something with you, even if it’s not really with you together. I click on that tab because, well, I am crushing on you. And last night, while we were talking about that game, you mentioned that I was playing yesterday morning as well. Soooo…you also clicked on that tab! Every other friend of ours that plays that game occasionally would never play at that time, so you could not have checked for anyone else to be online. I know that. So I wonder: were you “stalking” me like I often do?
I didn’t tell you that I checked yesterday, too. I don’t want to make it too obvious. After all, you could very well put two and two together, have the same thought process as me. You’d probably figured that one out on Monday already.
I really wonder if we are playing some kind of cat-and-mouse-game with each other, giving each other subtle clues and hints without being too obvious about it, but at the same time expecting the other one to be clever enough to figure them out.
Or am I just too crazy already and I simply don’t want to see any other possibilty or explanation for the things you do?
I wish I could have that honest talk with you soon. Even though you’ll be here tonight again until tomorrow midday probably, I won’t be able to talk to you alone. H might get suspicious; there’s no place here in the apartment where we could have that talk. I’m dying to know. I really need to know what’s going on. Sure, there’s room for lots of interpretation when it comes to your behaviour and actions around me, but then there are these things like checking to see who’s online in that game. It’s more objective to judge, less to no room for interpretation. Why did you click on it?
