Plot Twist

So guess what – I’m pregnant! I did a home pregnancy test yesterday night and it was positive. Wow! I cannot yet believe it. It feels so unreal. And I am also hesitant to really be happy as we had already lost an unborn child last year. The pain and utter devastation we felt will always stay in my memory. H and I have been trying to have a baby for a little over 3 years by now. The first pregnancy kept us waiting for 19 months. I have had thyroid problems that went unnoticed or weren’t taken seriously enough by my doctors, but they were the main reason why it just didn’t happen. As soon as I started the proper treatment, I got pregnant. However, we lost that baby in the first trimester. We were told in April of last year. We were so heartbroken.

It took us until now to get pregnant again. I’ve had more thyroid problems; it seemed as if one month it was Hashimoto disease and the next Grave’s disease, it jumped from one extreme to the other. I was actually considering to have my thyroid removed altogether in order to stabilize the hormones. Not an uncommon procedure in that case. Anyway, it seems that we got really lucky now and we managed to time it well enough, right when the hormones were in check. I will still have to get confirmation from my doc, but the home pregnancy tests are pretty reliable and I do have some symptoms already. I am sure I am pregnant. Now we’re hoping and praying that we will have a healthy baby next Spring.

But what will it do to my feelings for you, my plans to have that talk with you? Well, I still want to talk with you. After all, we kind of have an “appointment” together in September. And I will tell you everything I said I would tell you. But actually, my priorities have shifted. What matters most now is the baby. And whatever feelings I have for you have already stepped into the background. They are not important right now and I don’t have to think about you. I go about my daily routine, only to stop once in a while to smile and be happy about the new life growing inside of me. There is no greater feeling than this. I want to start this little family with H. That is the most important wish in my life right now.

I now actually wonder if you were just some kind of substitute for this unfulfilled dream so far, a trick played by my heart to forget about the pain, to keep itself occupied…

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Peace Of Mind

I feel okay, surprisingly calm and relaxed, at ease, tranquil. It didn’t even matter to me that, on Sunday, instead of coming upstairs to say “hello”, you only dropped off H’s bike and went straight to the bus stop to go back home. I didn’t see you that day. But I actually did not mind.

I have started to read up on my buddhistic psychology again. I have that one book I absolutely love (The Wise Heart by Jack Kornfield). It had already helped me out a lot last year after the miscarriage. It’s wonderful. It puts things into perspective, gives you great tools to deal with pretty much anything that brings pain and suffering to your life. So I’m trying to practice a few things from this book again. Not getting too attached to anything or anyone. Be aware of the here and now, the temporary nature of everything.

So, you are a good practice opportunity for me. I have been attached to you way too much recently. I made my life and my entire happiness depend on you. I was not living in the present, always waiting for that next time to see you again, be with you again, while forgetting about everyone and everything else around me. All this has caused a lot of pain and suffering. It has also brought me great joy, yes. But I long to feel free. What’s the point of an hour filled with happiness, when I feel miserable for days after that?

That’s not to say that I do not want to be happy anymore. Or that I will not look forward to seeing you again. I still have romantic feelings for you, probably more than I should. I cherish our friendship. I enjoy your company. You are a wonderful person, kind and caring, gentle. A nice guy, through and through. And I would like to build on that. Deepen our friendship. I still want to have that honest talk with you and I wouldn’t mind telling you exactly these things I just mentioned. You deserve to know.

I just don’t want to stay attached. I don’t want to obsess. Don’t want to depend.

So far, it’s been working rather well. My mind is at peace right now.

Stupid Emotions

You dropped by shortly to pick up H’s spare bicycle. Stayed for only about 5 minutes. Enough to actually make me cry this time… Why? I don’t really know. I felt quite good after your reply about agreeing to talk to me in private one day. And now, before, during and after this very short time that you were here, I suddenly feel angry, jealous and sad.

Angry because you got here later than you had announced. Which is okay, really. But I guess I still kind of had hoped that you could make some time for me today already and be here even earlier than you said you would. I knew you had other plans and it would be selfish to expect you to change them, but a tiny part inside of me had hoped you would.

Jealous because you looked so dressed up. Nice, classy clothes. New haircut. Plenty of body spray (that scent was too much this time for me…not disturbing, but bringing up too many emotions). You told me you’d visit a female former classmate before coming here. And I do feel jealous that you might have done all this dressing up for her. Granted, you even thought of mentioning that she just recently had given birth and I wonder why you added that piece of information. Was it to not make me jealous? Did you try to not hurt my feelings? But what if she used to be a love interest of yours? Just out of your reach and you still have tender feelings towards her? What if she is your unrequited love? What if she is to you what you are to me?

Sad because you left so quickly again. And I could tell you knew or had it in the back of your mind that I am in need of talking to you about something important. You looked concerned, but in a nice way. And while leaving, you said “see you soon, in September the latest”, hinting at that next family get-together when we agreed to have that talk.

After closing the door behind you again, I had to go cry in the bathroom. It was just too much for me. So many stupid emotions at once. I feel so silly. You’ll bring back the bike on Sunday, but you probably won’t stay much longer then. I just hope that I’ll be able to keep it together and not lose my mind again like today.

Update

So, you probably won’t have time to talk on Friday. You already made arrangements to meet up with some of your former classmates. You will probably not be able to be here before H gets home from work. But that’s okay. In your reply you seemed very open to the idea of talking to me. So worst case scenario: I will have to wait until the next family get-together. That’s not going to be before the end of September… oh well, still hoping that you could be here earlier on Friday, but if not, it’ll be okay. At least I know that we will talk and things can hopefully be settled. I need to find peace in all of this.

I Clicked On “Send”

It’s done.

No way back.

I emailed you just now. No, not to tell you that I am crushing on you, hard. But to ask you if there’s a chance to have a one-on-one talk on Friday. You are in town for the weekend, not to stay with us, but with some friends. I think you’re doing a bicycle tour or something and you will drop by here to pick up H’s spare bike on Friday. Depending on the time, we might have the chance to talk without anyone else around. That is, if you’re willing to do so.

The last 2 days I felt terrible. I am so sad and fed up of this mess. I feel sick to my stomach. I couldn’t go to work yesterday and today. This is not healthy. It cannot go on like this anymore. Whenever we part ways, I get sucked into this deep hole. With every new goodbye, the hole seems to get deeper and darker. Now it reached the point where I am incapable to go to work. That’s way too far. I need to stop it now. And the only way I can think of is to be honest with you, get your honesty back. Tell me that whatever I thought of your actions towards and behaviour around me was wrong and that there’s nothing romantic in them. I need to hear it from you. I need to see it in your eyes. Release me from your spell. It doesn’t matter if it hurts and how much. It’d be better this way. Sooner or later it will have to end. And it will be a painful end, either way. So let’s make this quick. Like pulling off a bandage.

I think I know you well enough. Things won’t be awkward, you will understand. Just like last time. Hopefully we can finally develop a good friendship. No silly feelings in between us. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to lose H. And I don’t want to lose my mind either…

Heartbroken

Again, you left. All that remains of you is your lingering scent in my room. Just a bit. It will soon be faded away.

I am so sad. My heart is broken. I already miss you like crazy again. I get lost in the memory of our last hug, one last joke before closing the door behind you.

I secretly rushed to the window, watched you walking away, your head down. Did you feel the same pain?

You disappeared behind the leaves of a tree, your grey clothes blending in with the lush green before the green was all I could see. You are gone. The emptiness you left behind is now filled with pain.

Are You “Stalking” Me?

You’re off now with H and other buddies to a bachelor’s party. I’m home alone until tonight which gives me enough time to sit in my room, look outside the window, think of you and sigh and sigh… and your scent is still lingering a bit –  once in a while I catch it…and sigh again.

I’m really losing my mind over you. Last night, I could barely sleep. You were in my dreams, but I can’t remember exactly what they were about. I woke up numerous times and was so excited and anxious to finally get up, have breakfast with you, look into your eyes. My heart was racing and I got so excited that my stomach hurt. Butterflies all over. Restless. Impatient. Then I could barely eat anything for breakfast, you sitting right opposite of me. Again, with this white shirt from the raft trip. Same pants. Same everything. Same hotness. Every time our eyes met, more butterflies. I kept glancing at your bare arms, your skin, your little hairs, your muscle outlines… I.Want.To.Touch. And your scent kept crawling over to my side of the table. What are you doing to me? How do you expect me to keep my composure? Are you doing this on purpose? Do you know what this does to me: the way you choose your clothes, put on that body spray, your eyes?

Last night, we all talked about that online tank game. We play it so often, it’s only natural to have discussions about it as well. Last weekend, we platooned together and played for countless hours. On Monday morning, before I had to go to work, I also played a few rounds. And I noticed that you were online as well (before you went to work). So I opened up the ingame chat and asked you jokingly if you hadn’t played enough on the weekend so that you’d need to play again so early on Monday morning (it was 6:30ish). Then my phone rang, but I couldn’t answer as I was right in the middle of a battle. After, I checked and it was you. You then told me in the chat that you couldn’t type before and tried to call, but now it worked again and you were able to reply to my chat message. Anyway, that was actually something that amazed me again. I didn’t really expect you to reply to my chat message; it would have been okay. But then you actually tried to call me when the chat didn’t work…just wow! Do you care so much? Or is that just again your generally friendly nature coming through? 

Anyway, what I wanted to say: yesterday morning – Friday morning – I logged onto that game again, knowing perfectly well that there’d be a good chance to see you online as well. You were to come to us right after work so you wouldn’t be able to play that game that day, only in the morning before going to work. And that’s exactly what you did. This time, I didn’t start chatting and I didn’t expect you to do it either. I didn’t even expect you to check if I was online as well. See, the thing about seeing if someone else is online is that you’d need to specifically click on a tab inside the game on which you’d not click if you just wanted to play by yourself. I click on it once in a while when I think you might be there. I like knowing when you do something that I am doing right then as well. I like the feeling of doing something with you, even if it’s not really with you together. I click on that tab because, well, I am crushing on you. And last night, while we were talking about that game, you mentioned that I was playing yesterday morning as well. Soooo…you also clicked on that tab! Every other friend of ours that plays that game occasionally would never play at that time, so you could not have checked for anyone else to be online. I know that. So I wonder: were you “stalking” me like I often do?

I didn’t tell you that I checked yesterday, too. I don’t want to make it too obvious. After all, you could very well put two and two together, have the same thought process as me. You’d probably figured that one out on Monday already.

I really wonder if we are playing some kind of cat-and-mouse-game with each other, giving each other subtle clues and hints without being too obvious about it, but at the same time expecting the other one to be clever enough to figure them out.

Or am I just too crazy already and I simply don’t want to see any other possibilty or explanation for the things you do?

I wish I could have that honest talk with you soon. Even though you’ll be here tonight again until tomorrow midday probably, I won’t be able to talk to you alone. H might get suspicious; there’s no place here in the apartment where we could have that talk. I’m dying to know. I really need to know what’s going on. Sure, there’s room for lots of interpretation when it comes to your behaviour and actions around me, but then there are these things like checking to see who’s online in that game. It’s more objective to judge, less to no room for interpretation. Why did you click on it?

Love Triangle

I often forget that you are not the only one I love. There is also H: my husband, your brother. I do love him dearly. From the outside, this must seem ridiculous, silly, stupid even. People must think that this is not possible, to truly love 2 men at the same time, equally. If you haven’t been in that kind of situation before, it’s indeed hard to believe. But that’s how I feel. Deep down in my heart there’s enough love for the both of you. I’m not trying to fill a void that one man leaves with the other. I’m not bored with H. I’m not looking for excitement. I’m also sexually satisfied. There’s really nothing I’m missing in my marriage to H.

I do not want to lose H. I do not want to hurt him. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. It would tear me apart knowing that I tore him apart. And I am sure that – if you were to love me as well – you would not want to hurt H either. He’s your brother, family. Family comes first. I fully understand that. If I had to choose between the love of a man and the love of my family, I would always choose the latter. From all I know about you, you’d do the same, family before women.

This makes it so much harder. I long for you. I want you. It’s impossible to keep you out of my life. You keep intruding. I feel really bad for H. Whenever we are intimate with each other now, I keep imagining it was you. I’ve fantasized in the past as well, innocent enough, about this and that, with random people (made-up people even), just to arouse myself a little more. But recently, these fantasies have only involved you. And they are more intense now. Granted, I think it has enhanced our sex life, so H “benefits” from it as well, but I won’t dare to justify my dirty and bad thoughts this way. It’s wrong. I should enjoy the time with H for exactly what it is – a wonderful time with H. But why do you keep popping up in my mind? So often?

I sometimes wish I could stay away from you. If you were some random stranger, it would be a lot easier. But since you are family, there’s no way this is ever going to happen. I could cut down on playing that online game with you (we played almost the entire last weekend via TeamSpeak! Insane…), but how should I avoid you during family gatherings or when we are all invited at a friend’s place? Wherever H is going, I’m likely to be there as well. And H being your brother, why should he not go where you are going?

Do you see the problem? I love H. H loves me. You and H love each other as brothers. I love you. You at least like me, I know that. You might love me. So we’d have this really complicated love triangle. Unacceptable. Dangerous. A recipe for disaster. And right now it seems as if I cannot get out of it again without breaking apart the triangle, destroying at least one of the 3 sides of it. And with one side missing, the entire structure is bound to collapse…