Home again. Our vacation is over. And I feel strange: mostly numb, but once in a while there’s a sudden feeling of sadness and disappointment. I am restless and drained at the same time. These last 2 weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster ride. I guess you could also compare it to a really bad hangover. The high made me forget about all my problems and I felt elated, like anything and everything was possible with you. But then I reached the point where it was too much or the wrong kind of alcohol and it all went downhill from there.

Not only do I have to deal with my everyday struggles again, but also with realizing – once again – what a fool I’ve been to believe that you might have feelings for me despite what you had told me in the past.

What’s even worse is the recent turn of events that you might be getting or having a girlfriend already. The signs were pretty clear: it wasn’t just the emailing with the big puppy grin in your face on Wednesday, but also how you behaved yesterday when we arrived at your mother’s place. You were talking on your phone for probably around half an hour while trying to stay away from us so that we wouldn’t be able to overhear. This might be normal behaviour for some people, but not for you. Even H noticed that this was unusual for you to do! (I actually told him, casually, that I think you’re about to get a girlfriend and about what I had observed on Wednesday.) When even other people notice a change in your behaviour in this direction, then I’m pretty sure my guess is right.

But it happened so suddenly. It really all started to change on Wednesday after you came back from that day trip with H. Up until that point, we had great moments together: we talked; we laughed while watching silly TV shows; you showed interest in what I’d been doing on a certain day, where I’d been going, how my bicycling tour had been; you did nice things for me again; I sometimes caught you looking at me, checking me out even… However, you did nothing even remotely close to any of that on and after Wednesday. It was almost as if I didn’t even exist. You only interacted with your computer and email program.

You also suddenly changed plans. Originally, we were to leave the cottage on Friday and drive to your mother’s place (it’s roughly 5 hours by car), where we would all stay the night before we were to finally go to our respective homes after lunch on Saturday. However, on Thursday you announced you’d take the last train home on Friday night already, at about 11:30 PM, so you’d be home at 3 AM on Saturday. Why would you depart so hastily in the middle of the night? Was there someone impatiently waiting for you now? Probably…

So I wonder what happened in between Wednesday and the days before that? Were you waiting for her, for some type of sign from her and you just kinda toyed with me, seeing me as a substitute or maybe even a test dummy? On that day, did she finally tell you she’s interested or even that she loves you?

I could have been wrong again in interpreting your signals at the beginning of our vacation. It’s very likely actually. But your general and sudden change in behaviour is not deniable.

There was one positive aspect to all of this, however: it made it a little easier to anticipate and finally say goodbye. I felt sad on Wednesday, but was already numb enough on Thursday to not dread the end of our time together. I was okay with it, maybe even a tiny bit relieved.

I’ll have to sort this all out again now. Come to terms with the likely scenario of you presenting a woman at your side soon. How can I ever have a normal and appropriate relationship with you? Will I ever be able to simply see you as my brother-in-law? Would I ever be able to like or at least accept “your” woman?

Why is this so complicated? After all, I am happy with H. This is not a lie. I don’t understand why I keep falling for you again and again. I will have to think about all of this once more, but not now. Not during this hangover.

My Worst Fear

When you and H finally came back from that day trip, you said hello to me, but furtively and right away, you left again to go to the beach. That surprised me as it was evening and the weather wasn’t that good even. And then when you finally got back yet again, you went straight onto your portable computer. You barely interacted with me. Instead you were writing and reading emails, with a little smile on your face and you didn’t really let yourself get distracted from it. You were happy amd a bit hyper afterwards.

It seems as if you might be having a girlfriend or are about to get one…

Which would be the worst possible timing for something like this, right when I have fallen completely for you again and am trying to cope with having this vacation together end soon.

I feel like crying. I am so stupid and naive. Damn you… Silly me…

Surprising Discovery

Shortly before 7 AM today, you and H left to go on that day trip together with your stepdad. You won’t be back before 9 PM, so now I have this vacation house to myself. Good opportunity to sneak into your bedroom. I just want to get a feel for you, how you’ve been living the last days. Am I a creepy stalker? Maybe. Maybe not. It gives me a chance to be a little bit closer to you, perhaps even to find out a little bit more about you. More private things. Looking for clues also.

In your room, right next to the door, there’s a chest of drawers. That’s where I looked first. You had a small pouch for cosmetic items on it, made out of see-through plastic. It was so thin, not much in it. I carefully picked it up and wanted to see if there was something in it that would emit your scent. (As you may know, I really like the way you smell.) But what I found in there really surprised me: condoms! (2 of them actually, one even XXL size)

So that raises a few questions for me, mainly of course, why did you bring this here with you? You obviously never went out while here to meet women. You spent most of your time either with us, or bicycling, or going swimming in the morning. Sure, you could have met women while supposedly being on a tour, but then again, you always showed us your tracked routes and there just wasn’t any time to do other things (unless of course, you’re into quickies in the bushes or things like that…) So really, the only women around you here on this vacation are your mother and me, and I’m sure we don’t even have to take your mother into consideration in this matter.

The only other possible option would be that it’s part of your standard travelling equipment. You’ve travelled to different places recently on your own or with business colleagues (males, as far as I know), so it’s likely you’ve taken the condoms with you on those trips and you simply forgot to take them out for this one now.

Yet, I still wonder why you left them there, so easy to find. Okay, you probably wouldn’t expect anyone to walk into your room and check your stuff. You’d assume people respect your privacy. I didn’t mean to intrude. I’ve been careful. Other than looking at that pouch, I only carefully sat down on your bed and glanced over your scattered clothes on the second bed in that room. I don’t want to leave a trace, don’t want you to find out that I was there. However, might there be a small chance that you actually expected or even hoped that I would do just that today, given the opportunity? Did you want me to find it? If so, was it to show me that you have sex with other women? Or to show me that you would be prepared to have sex with me?

Or does it mean nothing at all again? Did you just forget to unpack them for this trip and then you simply put them there without even realizing it? That’s probably the most likely scenario, even though it’s not my most preferred one…

Complete Relapse

Here we are again. Back at square one. I have completely lost my mind about you. I’m craving you. This vacation here has not been helping. It’s been making things worse. I have thoroughly enjoyed every minute near or with you. But the more time we spend together, the greedier I get and the more I want you. I want to spend even more time with you. I don’t want this to end. We will part ways on Saturday. I don’t know what I will do then.

Again there are these thoughts that you might actually be into me, want me as much as I want you, but that you will not confess in order to not destroy your relationship with your brother, your mother and whoever else would be collateral damage. I know that you told me otherwise. More than once already. But no matter how hard I try to convince myself that this was the truth, that there really is nothing you feel for me other than what a normal brother-in-law would feel for his sister-in-law, there is always this desperate voice in my heart telling me it’s not true. He does love you.

I don’t know how to stop this again, to make this voice shut up. Well, there is one way for sure. The same like last times: I would have to talk to you again, be open and honest with you. But this time, I don’t want this. We’re finally getting along again. I mean, you’re not avoiding me anymore; you’re not making subtle and mean comments anymore to keep me at bay; we can actually talk like normal people again. It has taken us more than 2 years. I don’t want to ruin this again by bothering you with this crap once more. So this time, I will have to find a way to deal with this by myself. Without your help or your input. I have absolutely no clue how.

Right now, I still have a few days left with you here. I will enjoy every minute still. Tomorrow, you’re actually going on a day trip to another island. So I won’t see you for the day. H is coming with you. I will be home alone. But that will give me time to think about things and probably come back here and get more off my chest. That’s hopefully one way to deal with this issue now by myself.

(Gosh, you’re hot. You just came back from a bicycling trip, earlier than expected. Seeing you in that outfit…I just wish to take it off you. You just mentioned that you’d come with us to the beach later on. Now I’m nervous. Will we be going swimming together? Will I be able to see more of your hot body?)

On Vacation Together

Yes, we are on vacation together – you, H and I. It’s been planned for over a year, it was your mother’s idea. They rented the apartment next to our cottage here at the coast of the Baltic Sea. We’re sharing a home now, at least for 12 days.

At first I wasn’t too fond of the idea, still couldn’t deal with how you reacted to my last confession. And I wanted to avoid you as much as possible.

Recently things have changed again, however. It’s still mainly only a physical attraction, but it drives me crazy. Both in a good and a bad way. It was bad when we met 3 weeks ago for that big birthday party of your stepdad. I was so obsessed with getting your attention and showing off my female benefits while at the same time realizing that it’d be still absolutely pointless and destructive and unhealthy and wrong and (…fill in any other negative attribute…) that I got sad and more depressed than I already usually am due to my mental illness.

And now look at me: sharing this vacation time and place with you does all kinds of emotional things to me. I feel happy, lustful, disappointed and sad, all within hours mostly. But you know what? I don’t care. Not yet, at least.

I want to test the boundaries, test your reactions. As I am sure there is nothing to lose or gain from it as you’re definitely not interested, at least let me play around a little with you. I want to subtly flirt, ignite some sexual sparks. I want to be in your head next time you pleasure yourself, even if you don’t want it. I just want to have that little bit of power over you.

Or at least the illusion that I could have that type of power over you…

Let me have some fun.

Not Again Please

I don’t even know where to start. My last entry here is more than 2 years old. It’s been more than 2 years free from your spell. More than 2 years in which I didn’t care about you. I even wished at times that I wouldn’t see you, that you wouldn’t come visit us or wouldn’t stay as long as you’d planned. I still hadn’t warmed up to you again after you so rudely dismissed me that day back in September 2014.

Just last month, H had planned his birthday party for the long weekend where you’d be in town anyway for the guys’ hiking trip like every year. So you were supposed to stay here from Wednesday evening until Sunday morning. I didn’t look forward to that. I didn’t want you to be around for so long. Then H got sick that Friday and had to cancel his party. He suggested for you to leave and go back home so that you wouldn’t catch whatever virus he had. So that was it. You left early and I was relieved. H rescheduled the party for the weekend after. You couldn’t come then, had other plans already. And again, I was relieved. I couldn’t care less actually. Just a side note.

But then there was this weekend get-together with your family 3 days ago. I don’t know what happened. Suddenly, out of nowhere, literally, it hit me. There it was. Again. The desire. The wish to get your attention.

I noticed how good you were looking in that black shirt. I noticed your skin showing as you were sitting on the couch, your notebook on your lap. I noticed your quick glance at my breasts at the dinner table. I noticed you smile at me a few times. Hesitant, but it was there. You made a joke, trying to lock me out on the veranda. I managed to avoid that. It kinda was like that Christmas when I first had feelings for you. A very long time ago, it seemed. Almost forgotten. I was so sure that I was over you for good.

When I noticed the first signs of confusion again, I immediately tried to dismiss them. Get them out of my head. Don’t even go there, I told myself. Let’s not start this again.

Back home again, Monday morning, home alone, thoughts were running through my head. And worse, I felt it in my groin. Purely sexual. I could not get you out of my head like this. It got worse on Tuesday. The longing got stronger. The same feelings from past, long gone desires for you. And today is Wednesday and it seems to get worse every day.

Why? How did this happen again? For f***’s sake, I don’t need this shit right now! What’s wrong with me? I’m craving you again. I know that I don’t love you. I would even go as far as to say that I don’t like you still. There was just too much hurt you put me through that I won’t be able to forgive you. Yet, my body wants you I guess. My hormones are out of balance. They’re going crazy. I don’t know why. Like I said, I don’t need this drama right now. I’ve got enough issues to deal with right now. But maybe they are partly to blame for this mess now. I’m currently in therapy for depression. H and I had another miscarriage in 2015 and we found out that I have a genetic disorder that drastically reduces the chance for us to have a healthy child. I’m trying to deal with all this. That’s more than enough on my plate right now. I don’t want to go back to this mess with you. I’ve had enough. Please don’t start this again. Get the f*** out of my mind!


You’ve Been Replaced

Time for another update on the whole matter: I don’t care about you anymore! You’re out of my heart, for good! I don’t have any bad feelings towards you either, or let’s just say: a lot less… It feels sooooo good. And I truly enjoyed the long stretch of time that I didn’t see you now. 2 months to be precise. Last time I saw you was on New Year’s. There had been plans for some more events in between then and now, but they each got cancelled for various reasons. And I simply didn’t give a damn! Yeah!

I am happy with H. I am in love with H. Besides, life is good overall.

When it comes to innocent fantasies and teenagey crushes, you’ve been replaced. This might sound odd. No matter how happy I am in a relationship, I tend to look for some random person to crush on. It’s usually someone really unattainable, like a famous person or someone I see on the bus almost every morning. I don’t know if that’s normal. Or if this happens to other people as well. I don’t find it strange or unacceptable even, as long as I don’t go all crazy and act upon it. But that’s often the crux, especially if that random person is at least somewhat attainable after all. To be honest, I’ve had my past stalkings of bus people (during my first marriage, which was broken anyway). And when this “random crush” involved you, things got too complicated because there actually seemed a high chance that this could become more than just a fantasy. So that messed me up.

However, it’s over. And now there’s a new crush. This time, unattainable again. He’s a somewhat famous person even though he has a rather small audience. I actually know where he lives; I know his real name (most know only his alias). But I’ll try to keep it innocent. Just fantasies. A few daydreams. Once in a while. For fun.

You’re out of the picture now. And it’s not only whenever he’s on my screen.

Gone Again…For Good!

It’s been¬† a while since my last visit here. Well, I’ve been avoiding it, avoiding you. I just don’t want to be around you anymore, don’t want to think of you anymore. I’d like you to stay completely out of my life, to be honest. That won’t be possible, considering you’re my brother-in-law, but the least I can do is stay away from you as much as I can.

It’s not so much the fact that you obviously have no feelings for me at all or that you were nice to me for no reason at all and without even realizing it yourself. It’s more due to your recent behaviour after I had that talk with you. You’ve been avoiding me as well at first, not inviting me to play the online game with you anymore; in conversations around other people you’ve also dropped clear hints for me that you have no feelings for me, sometimes in a rather rude way or tone of voice. And during the last weekend get-together the two of us talked about general stuff before the conversation turned to the game. I told you that I’ve been struggling with something in it and you simply told me that I’d need to stop playing badly. How rude! You weren’t even joking. I mean, sure, I’m not the best player in it, but whenever we played together, we all had decent and good games. You never said a word and now this?¬† And I stopped playing with you and H because as you seem to get better, you keep checking your stats and you keep noticing that you’re above average now, actually turning into a very good player and you’ve started to play the game in such a selfish way… I don’t want to take this game too seriously, but somehow this attitude reflects your personality in “real life” as well. I guess you are indeed rather selfish.

Just like when your mother urged you to put a sweater or a jacket on to not catch a cold when standing on the veranda on a cold autumn evening and you almost snapped back at her “I haven’t been sick for 6 years and I won’t get sick now either!” Leaving the rude way of replying aside, I know that this is in fact not true. I remember an incidence last year during a get-together where I drank from your cup and finding out afterwards that you had a cold back then. (I remember clearly as I was pregnant at that time and slightly worried of catching your cold.) It’s probably not a big deal as such, but I don’t get it. How come I realize now what kind of person you truly are? How could I have not seen this before? Was I really so much blinded by love? Or did you just turn into this jerk now? Is it a parade for me to deter me from further loving you? If it’s the latter, well…you succeeded!

Christmas and New Year’s are just around the corner. In past years I would have been really excited to see you, to be around you for a couple of days here and there, a long weekend, the holidays. This year, however, I am glad that we’re doing the celebrations at our place and you’ll only stay a night on Christmas day and then again one night only during New Year’s. And I’ll be glad when it’s over and you’re gone again…for good!

Taking Care

You actually remembered and called me up on my birthday yesterday! I seriously did not expect it. When I saw your name on the display on the ringing phone, I was pleasantly surprised. Your birthday wishes were nice, but they came with a bit of an aftertaste or slightly bitter undertone: besides the usual wishes for good health and good luck, you also wished for me to be able “to take care of the thing eventually”.

You did not elaborate, but I could guess that the thing is my inappropriate feelings for you. Glad to hear that it’s still on your mind sometimes and that you’re not completely oblivious to it or ignoring it. But then again, I didn’t really like the way you phrased it or put it as a side note amongst the birthday wishes. And how am I supposed to take care of it? It’s not like a chore I could put into my schedule. There’s nothing really I could do to change my feelings from one day to the other. Granted, it got better already or changed a lot at least. I mentioned it before: my romantic, lovey-dovey feelings for you are gone and for the most part have been replaced by spiteful ones. But you don’t know this. So you telling me to take care of it the way you did just feels wrong.

Business As Usual

I’ve been absent from here for quite some time now. And that’s also due to your absence from my mind recently. Well, you’re not completely absent, however. Once in a while I think of you. Unfortunately, my thoughts are never neutral.

Most of the time, I actually have bad thoughts. Mean ones. I’m still angry, I guess. I curse you. Last time with your parents, we looked at some photos and a video they took when they visited you. On that video, you looked rather uncomfortable being filmed. And I found comfort in your discomfort. Serves you right, I thought. When we talk about that online game, I always feel delighted to hear when you had a bad day with lots of losses. I don’t know why these things make me feel better. But they do, I must admit.

Then occasionally, I have good thoughts about you. Well, not really good in a sense that I feel all dazed and crazy in love. Those times are over. But I think my mind is still trying to trick me into thinking that you still haven’t told me the truth about the way you feel towards me. Crazy, isn’t it? I got your confirmation twice now and my stupid mind (or maybe it’s my stupid heart) still intends to prove you wrong, that you keep on lying about your true feelings for me for moral reasons, to protect your brother, to protect the ones you love. How silly is that?! I know well enough that none of this is true, but these kind of thoughts keep coming back once in a while.

Your behaviour around me has returned to the state it was in before, after your initial reaction seemed to be to ignore me altogether. We’ve played that online game together again (with H); we’ve talked on the phone again, like normal people (or as if nothing ever happened). You then even asked me how I was doing! This “kindness” – or whatever it really is – caught me off guard; I didn’t even know right away what to answer. So you continue where we left off. I am not sure what to make of it.

I wonder if you will call today or send me an email. It’s my birthday. Last year, you completely forgot. And even when H gave you a hint, you still forgot. So I won’t expect anything from you this time. However, I’m curious to see what you’ll do (or not do).