It’s Bad

“Whoever coined the phrase ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder,’ was an idiot. Absence makes a bitch go crazy.”

– Taking Shots, by Toni Aleo

Would you believe me when I told you that I was (and still am) looking for an excuse to spend a night or two at your place? Fantasizing about being seduced by you or even seducing you… I’ve told you before: I’m losing control over this love or obsession for you. It has become bad. I’m bad. This is the destructive, the dangerous side of loving you…

I Should Have…

There’s enough time to think about our last weekend together. I suddenly remember a number of incidences where you might have shown me how you felt, but I didn’t really notice them at the time you did them. I was so focused on taking you all in, obsessed with getting the most out of it that I completely lost track of what was really going on maybe. When I am around you, I tend to get so terribly nervous sometimes. It’s bugging me. I am too shy and too scared to do and say the things I want. So in case you were wondering, I should have:

  • smiled at you more often, especially when I came back into the room that first short evening together
    (you actually gave me a very similar, curious look, just like that time at your apartment when we dropped you off, with that nice heart-warming smile of yours)
  • asked you to help me put on that sun tan lotion while we were alone on the raft’s rooftop
    (such a missed opportunity to be touched by you! H actually asked from down below if he should help me out putting the lotion on my neck; when I told him I did it by myself already, he made a joke about how desperate he would take any chance to touch me sexually and then you made another joke that there would be better places to touch than the neck! Oh, I wish you would have at least touched my neck; will I ever get the chance again to ask you for help in that case? We had a “sun tan lotion thing” back in June already – you just watched, but were you thinking about putting it on me back then?)
  • stretched my bare legs out and rested my feet on the seat you were sitting on during the raft trip
    (you had yours on mine. I didn’t even notice right away. I had curled up on the bench opposite of you, legs up on my own seat, when I saw your feet right under me. Was that just a comfortable position for you? Or did you try to be accidentally touched again?)
  • talked to you more
    (why can I never think of a topic to talk about when I am alone with you? I’m often next to you in silence, feeling nervousness creeping up because I want to break that silence, but I don’t want to engage in small talk. It should be something more meaningful)
  • “accidentally” touched you slightly while walking past you into the kitchen
    (you were sitting a bit in the way; I had to squeeze through. It would have been so easy to graze your shoulder or arm slighty.)
  • asked you for 5 or 10 minutes of your time
    (I am still waiting for a good opportunity to have that honest talk with you, but we had so little time together this weekend it seemed…)
  • hugged you while saying goodbye
    (I regret this the most; it’s often the only chance I get to touch you without having to do it secretly, without worrying what someone else might see and think. Next time, get your ass up and hug me! Please.)

That’s kind of my new to-do-list for when I see you again. It will be the weekend after this one now. You’ll be here for a bachelor’s party. You’ll be out with H and some friends on Saturday, so for me, there’s only Friday evening and Sunday morning left to spend with you. I’ll try to make the most out of it. Take my chances.

Waiting – Always And Forever

I feel so much pain right now. Loving you is torture. I can’t take it. Where is this supposed to go? Will it ever stop? How do I get out of it again?

It had been 6 weeks of waiting to see you again last Friday. And the waiting seemed to be neverending that day. I was supposed to pick up H from work at 3pm and we were scheduled to arrive at your parents’ place around 5:30/6pm. I didn’t know if you’d be there already, but you’d have got there by 8pm the latest probably. I was counting down the hours. Then there was a huge detour on the way to H and it took me 30 minutes longer to get there. Already I was furious! If you were going to arrive before us, I’d already miss half an hour of you. I know it’s not that much, considering we’d stay there until Sunday, but every minute counts!

Finally, H and I were on the highway and we got into a traffic jam. More time lost…more waiting. Impatience growing. The closer we got to our destination the worse the weather got. Thunderstorms, heavy rains. It rained so hard, I could barely see while driving, so I had to go slowly. More time lost…more waiting. It felt as if it took ages to get there. We finally arrived at 7pm. You weren’t there yet, as expected you would come at around 8pm. But then the phone rang – it was you letting us know that lightning struck and your train had to return and take a different route. You wouldn’t get there before maybe 9 or even 10pm. WTF?! How long was I supposed to wait? I couldn’t believe it. Shortly before 10, you called again. You’d be at the subway station at 10:14pm. Your stepfather was supposed to pick you up and you’d finally be here at 10:30pm. Well…that’s when you called again. The doors of the subway train didn’t open and you missed the stop, were at a different station, had to take another subway train back. ETA 10:45pm. So you’d be here at 11pm…. Seriously? What was going on? Fate is a real bitch, I guess.

I was already really tired. Friday was completely lost to me. I could barely spend any time with you. H and I stayed up and talked to you a bit while you had that late dinner. Then we went to sleep. I couldn’t really enjoy it, soak you in. I was so furious and frustrated about all that lost time. And then while watching you eat, checking the way you act, I kept thinking you’ve changed…could you have a girlfriend? Why did I become jealous? Was there a reason? Did I expect you to act differently, more desperate to see me again? As impatient as me?

The next day we all got up early to go to the river, onto a scenic raft trip. It was fun. I even spent some time with you alone up the rooftop of the raft, using your sun tan lotion, talking to you a bit. We went swimming and for quite some time I was sitting opposite of you with my bathing suit on. I know it shows a lot of cleavage and you were wearing sunglasses. So I wonder if you took the chance to look… Anyway, the trip took 8 hours, but time just flew, went by way too quickly. I tried to be near you, read you, see if you tried to connect again. I wanted so much, I was so greedy…too greedy. I forgot most things again…like your naked body, or actually your half-naked body. When you got dressed to go swimming, while swimming. I wanted to see your chest, I did…but I can’t recall it now. Oh, you can’t imagine how much I longed for you. I wanted to be carried through the water on your arms, feel your body next to mine. I want to be in your arms, so badly. I’m losing my mind.

Here, you sitting on the rooftop of the raft…in your thin white shirt, probably so soft. Can I sit on your lap, put my arms around you, kiss your neck? I love this picture of you!



The next day: more waiting. We were all so tired from the long raft trip in the bright sun all day, we went to sleep at 10pm on Saturday. I figured we’d get up rather early on Sunday. Well, I did. At around 8. Had breakfast with your stepfather (your mother was ill). We waited a bit for you and H to join us, but it took you so long. It felt like ages. I wondered what you were doing. Were you really sleeping? If you felt at least a bit like me, why wouldn’t you get up? Use the time we have. Carpe diem. But no…you finally got up at 10am. Took a shower first before joining us on the veranda. Funny thing is, I was hoping that, instead of sleeping, you used the time in bed for other things, more intimate…hoping you were thinking of me while doing them.

I got really sad the closer we got to the time when we had to part ways again. We all had ice cream after lunch. You were sitting on the couch, I took a chair opposite of you. And I took my chance and tried to look straight at you as often as I could. I wanted you to see me doing it. And our eyes met a few times. We looked at each other for pretty long each time, but I couldn’t read you. Straight faces.

When H and I left, we said goodbye, but instead of getting up from your seat, you stayed there, so no hug this time. I didn’t dare to ask you to get up, I was thinking of telling you in a funny, joking kind of way. But I didn’t in the end. So I left you by just telling you goodbye. I couldn’t touch you. I was so sad. Disappointed. Angry at myself that I didn’t just ask you. I wanted to cry on the way home, but I obviously couldn’t. I was driving again and more importantly, H would have noticed.

I miss you so much right now. I can’t take it. I want you so badly. I feel so terribly sad. I will have to wait again. I’m constantly waiting for you. There’s nothing else that I can do. My life centers around you. It’s really hard to get out of this mess. I’ll probably have to wait forever. There’s just no way of us ever being together, I know it. I’m sure of it, but I cannot accept it. It hurts so much.

This song here…I feel her pain, even though I don’t do drugs or get drunk, but I really need to numb the pain. Don’t know how.

Spend my days locked in a haze, trying to forget you babe, I fall back down…

I Don’t Care

My life is not ideal right now. Many others would stress out in my situation, under different circumstances I probably would stress out as well.

I’m right at the beginning of exam period, the last finals at university, if all goes well. But I actually have no clue what I am doing. I might fail and have to retake one or more exams.

My health problems keep coming back or getting worse. It’s nothing life threatening or too serious, but it’s annoying and interfering with certain plans I’d made.

There are also lots of minor annoying/stressful things and events that add up to a bigger issue.

Yet, I don’t really care.

I just think of you and everything is good. I feel okay. It calms me down. It puts things into perspective. Life is good, overall. It has its bright sides. It can be full of joy. I do not need to concentrate on the bad stuff. You put a smile on my face, even though you’re not actually doing much. It’s merely the thought of you, of seeing you again soon. This weekend actually. It’s been a while, almost 7 weeks by then. I’m excited.

When I see you again, I will not waste one thought on exams, my health or anything else. I won’t care.

Cuddling…With Tanks

On the weekend we played that online game together again, for the first time since H and I returned from our vacation. I was able to talk to you again via TeamSpeak, listen to your voice. And I thoroughly enjoyed spending time with you this way.

The game is fun and even as a woman, I do like playing it. It’s basically similar to Counter Strike (a multi-player ego-shooter), but with tanks instead of people.

You wanted to test a few changes you did to the game, so you invited me to a practice battle. We had a short stand-off before I went into close range combat with you, pushing my tank right next to yours, grinding back and forth. And then you asked: “So you wanna cuddle?!”

Duh…of course, I do!

Well, I know what you meant. When tanks fight like this in the game, we always call it cuddling. But can I just imagine and fantasize about how it would be if you actually asked me that in a different context?

And the way you said it, in your soft voice, almost sounded to me as if you might have meant it, more realistically. But you know, could just have been wishful thinking on my part.

So, cuddling with tanks… Is that a start? Or all that I can get from you?

Nothing Has Changed

We’re back from vacation. I actually enjoyed it and there even was a time when I did not think of you (that much). Towards the end I even felt sad that we had to leave, but the thought of talking to you again soon and eventually seeing you again cheered me up.

On our way home, we stayed a night at your family’s place and while we were there you called them. Not sure if you knew that we would be there as well, but your timing was great. Your mother put the speakers on so we could talk to you a bit. What a nice feeling hearing your voice again!

On the first day back to the usual routine, I logged onto that online game to play a round or two. It’s possible to see which friends are online there at the same time and I saw you. Nothing unusual. Unless we play together on TeamSpeak, we often play that game at the same time, by ourselves. On that day, though, you started to chat with me. A little conversation back and forth. General stuff. But you took the initiative. On purpose? Or just like that?

As you can see…nothing has changed. I still think of you (way too much probably) and I still wonder if what you do means anything more than just the obvious act of you doing it.

And no, I did not send my draft emails to you. I did not want to ruin what we’re having now. It would have been awkward now or when you called your family while we’re there. I still consider having that honest talk with you one day, in person. But I won’t plan it. It will happen whenever it will happen. The right time and moment will present itself eventually. I’ll trust my gut feeling to see when that will be. For now, let’s leave everything the way it is now. Let’s not change a thing.