I feel so much pain right now. Loving you is torture. I can’t take it. Where is this supposed to go? Will it ever stop? How do I get out of it again?
It had been 6 weeks of waiting to see you again last Friday. And the waiting seemed to be neverending that day. I was supposed to pick up H from work at 3pm and we were scheduled to arrive at your parents’ place around 5:30/6pm. I didn’t know if you’d be there already, but you’d have got there by 8pm the latest probably. I was counting down the hours. Then there was a huge detour on the way to H and it took me 30 minutes longer to get there. Already I was furious! If you were going to arrive before us, I’d already miss half an hour of you. I know it’s not that much, considering we’d stay there until Sunday, but every minute counts!
Finally, H and I were on the highway and we got into a traffic jam. More time lost…more waiting. Impatience growing. The closer we got to our destination the worse the weather got. Thunderstorms, heavy rains. It rained so hard, I could barely see while driving, so I had to go slowly. More time lost…more waiting. It felt as if it took ages to get there. We finally arrived at 7pm. You weren’t there yet, as expected you would come at around 8pm. But then the phone rang – it was you letting us know that lightning struck and your train had to return and take a different route. You wouldn’t get there before maybe 9 or even 10pm. WTF?! How long was I supposed to wait? I couldn’t believe it. Shortly before 10, you called again. You’d be at the subway station at 10:14pm. Your stepfather was supposed to pick you up and you’d finally be here at 10:30pm. Well…that’s when you called again. The doors of the subway train didn’t open and you missed the stop, were at a different station, had to take another subway train back. ETA 10:45pm. So you’d be here at 11pm…. Seriously? What was going on? Fate is a real bitch, I guess.
I was already really tired. Friday was completely lost to me. I could barely spend any time with you. H and I stayed up and talked to you a bit while you had that late dinner. Then we went to sleep. I couldn’t really enjoy it, soak you in. I was so furious and frustrated about all that lost time. And then while watching you eat, checking the way you act, I kept thinking you’ve changed…could you have a girlfriend? Why did I become jealous? Was there a reason? Did I expect you to act differently, more desperate to see me again? As impatient as me?
The next day we all got up early to go to the river, onto a scenic raft trip. It was fun. I even spent some time with you alone up the rooftop of the raft, using your sun tan lotion, talking to you a bit. We went swimming and for quite some time I was sitting opposite of you with my bathing suit on. I know it shows a lot of cleavage and you were wearing sunglasses. So I wonder if you took the chance to look… Anyway, the trip took 8 hours, but time just flew, went by way too quickly. I tried to be near you, read you, see if you tried to connect again. I wanted so much, I was so greedy…too greedy. I forgot most things again…like your naked body, or actually your half-naked body. When you got dressed to go swimming, while swimming. I wanted to see your chest, I did…but I can’t recall it now. Oh, you can’t imagine how much I longed for you. I wanted to be carried through the water on your arms, feel your body next to mine. I want to be in your arms, so badly. I’m losing my mind.
Here, you sitting on the rooftop of the raft…in your thin white shirt, probably so soft. Can I sit on your lap, put my arms around you, kiss your neck? I love this picture of you!
The next day: more waiting. We were all so tired from the long raft trip in the bright sun all day, we went to sleep at 10pm on Saturday. I figured we’d get up rather early on Sunday. Well, I did. At around 8. Had breakfast with your stepfather (your mother was ill). We waited a bit for you and H to join us, but it took you so long. It felt like ages. I wondered what you were doing. Were you really sleeping? If you felt at least a bit like me, why wouldn’t you get up? Use the time we have. Carpe diem. But no…you finally got up at 10am. Took a shower first before joining us on the veranda. Funny thing is, I was hoping that, instead of sleeping, you used the time in bed for other things, more intimate…hoping you were thinking of me while doing them.
I got really sad the closer we got to the time when we had to part ways again. We all had ice cream after lunch. You were sitting on the couch, I took a chair opposite of you. And I took my chance and tried to look straight at you as often as I could. I wanted you to see me doing it. And our eyes met a few times. We looked at each other for pretty long each time, but I couldn’t read you. Straight faces.
When H and I left, we said goodbye, but instead of getting up from your seat, you stayed there, so no hug this time. I didn’t dare to ask you to get up, I was thinking of telling you in a funny, joking kind of way. But I didn’t in the end. So I left you by just telling you goodbye. I couldn’t touch you. I was so sad. Disappointed. Angry at myself that I didn’t just ask you. I wanted to cry on the way home, but I obviously couldn’t. I was driving again and more importantly, H would have noticed.
I miss you so much right now. I can’t take it. I want you so badly. I feel so terribly sad. I will have to wait again. I’m constantly waiting for you. There’s nothing else that I can do. My life centers around you. It’s really hard to get out of this mess. I’ll probably have to wait forever. There’s just no way of us ever being together, I know it. I’m sure of it, but I cannot accept it. It hurts so much.
This song here…I feel her pain, even though I don’t do drugs or get drunk, but I really need to numb the pain. Don’t know how.
Spend my days locked in a haze, trying to forget you babe, I fall back down…