Mutually Friendzoned

Almost 5 months since our first date which wasn’t a date.

5 months and 4 more dates that were not dates.

We went out for more ice cream, then for dinner, for dinner again, last we went to the bowling alley. Next weekend we will go play pool together.

We have agreed to meet up regularly, to hang out together. And yes, just as friends. (H is fine with it; he sees no issues. We had actually asked him to come along, but he doesn’t want to, so our regular “pseudo-dates” have become a thing…)

But I would like to have more. And judging from the way you act around me or even when you are not around me, I can only come to the conclusion that you have started falling in love with me as well. I checked like a trillion websites on interpreting men’s behaviour and it all boils down to the same. I have been wrong before about these kind of things in the past with the first you, but now I don’t see how I could be wrong when there are so many clear, blunt and obvious signs. It could only be more obvious if you said the words (which I know you never will).

You have this constant silly smile on your face, this puppy grin when we’re out alone together. With each “pseudo-date” you have become more attentive, more chivalrous, and physically closer. No touching but almost there.

I have also noticed that you tend to need some distance after each of those dates. It’s like you need time for yourself to sort your feelings again and then you come back to us again, a bit hungrier for it, whatever it really is.

Nothing will happen, I guess. We have made it clear. We are doing this as friends. So far no one has crossed any boundaries. No touching, like I said. We didn’t even hug when saying hello or goodbye. Well, not until yesterday at least. Had to kind of convince you it was fine to do so as friends. Wait, actually I had told you I felt weird just shaking hands and that you’d remind me of a big cuddly teddy bear that just begs to be hugged. Yes, I told you this. Couldn’t tell you face to face, even though I had wanted to do. It was after our last date at the bowling alley: we went to the train station together for you to catch your train back home. We were standing right opposite of each other, as close as never before. Your train was coming. Time to say goodbye. You were looking into my eyes. It felt intense. And sad. But I just couldn’t find the courage to ask you for a hug this time. So I texted you a day later and asked. A smiley face later you said it was fine.

Yesterday you were invited to our party here. So we were not alone, it was not one of those dates. But when you arrived here, I opened the door for you and out of habit, I offered my hand, but you went in for the hug saying “nah, that’s what you had wanted, right”. And so we hugged, we were close to each other, our bodies touching. And also when you left, I just hugged you. I wasn’t sure if we had silently agreed on just one hug or if it was solely hugs from now on, so I will just go for the latter option 🙂

I feel high on whatever we are having. I don’t want to call it love. Or an affair. It’s not just friendship either. I just know. You don’t have to say it. There are so many examples that prove all this. This time, I am not wrong. However, I am not sure if you are aware of this yourself. If you know what you are feeling. Maybe you are confused. Unsure. Or you do know and try to not fall for it. We are on a public Discord server together and we regularly chat on it with each other and other people. On the day before our party here, the topic was about emotions and you said (not to me but in general chat): “Can someone please help me throw my feelings out the window, brain tells me they are bad and I trust my brain…” You keep saying that you are kind of immune to feelings and emotions, but I don’t believe you. I saw it clearly when we were talking about your beloved puppy from your childhood and obviously you seem like a gentle, caring guy. And I believe this statement in general chat might have hinted at us or at least that you are aware of some strange feelings you cannot describe.

It must be hard for you I guess. You don’t want to hurt H, who is my husband, your friend, your coworker, your boss-to-be. You don’t want to lose our friendship. You don’t want a relationship in general, want to stay by yourself. And you made it clear that you would hate me if I ever cheated on H for no reason. I guess you settled for what we are having now. I am trying to do the same. We have mutually friendzoned each other, one could say. I don’t know if this will work. Guess we will have to find out and see.

For me it’s clear that I love both of you equally. I have tried to figure out what’s wrong with my marriage or what I am feeling for H. But there is nothing wrong. It’s all good. It’s perfect. Still, I love you just as much. And why should it not be possible? After all, I love both my parents equally. I don’t prefer one over the other or love one more than the other. But I guess no one would understand this with regards to romantic relationships and as long as neither you nor H would understand that this is possible, I will have to leave it as it is. Because I do not want to hurt either of you. I do not want to lose any of you. It’s a compromise at best. But one I will try to accept. I wouldn’t be able to choose just one of you because the other would always get hurt.

I will accept our mutual friendzone with all its ups and downs. Right now I am on a high from the party yesterday and yes, the hug. And I am looking forward to our next pseudo-date on Saturday.

I also know that there will be days when I will want more, when I won’t be able to deal with your need for distance, when I will cry like a baby, when I will miss you like crazy. But I do not regret feeling all this for you, do not regret having met you.

 

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The Date That Was Not A Date

We went out together today, just the two of us.

I had asked you about a week ago if we could meet, just as friends. I was feeling like shit then, because I was missing you, being utterly confused as to what to do about our situation, but I couldn’t tell you that this was the reason for wanting to see you.

We met at the train station and walked to the ice cream parlour I had suggested. At first, it felt strange, having you all to myself in person. Usually there’s always been other people with us. Or we could only talk to each other online. This today, it felt nice, strangely familiar, yet new and exciting at the same time.

Shortly after sitting down at the parlour, there was some silence, no one saying anything. I guess we were both kind of unsure about the situation. And then you were saying it out loud: “mmh, this feels weird, kind of like I’m on a first date again, … but this time it’s with my best friend’s wife.” You were smiling hesitantly, or nervously? I couldn’t answer right away; it took me a minute or so before I said “But it’s not a date.” I tried to sound convincing, but really I was just reminding myself that I agreed to just be friends with you, that I had told you my feelings towards you were in check, nothing inappropriate anymore.

We ended up staying at this place for about 3 hours. Just talking. Once in a while sitting there in silence, contemplating (at least I was). You told me more about yourself, your past, your reasons for not wanting to be in a relationship with anyone, your ways to deal with negative emotions or depressive episodes. I told you more about my problems with depression, the miscarriages, my current mental state (leaving out whatever you might have to do with it…). Besides serious topics like these, we also laughed, made jokes, talked about regular stuff, funny or peculiar things we had experienced here and there in our lives. We talked about our jobs, video games. I really liked spending time with you. And I think you really liked spending this time with me.

Afterwards we went downtown together because you wanted to check out some stores in order to get a new keyboard. I wasn’t sure if I could accompany you or if that would seem too clingy. I had asked and you said it was fine.

We said goodbye at the central station. I thanked you for meeting me. You reminded me of your offer that I could join your online game with one of your sisters tonight if I wanted to. And then we parted ways…

I felt my heart breaking. I didn’t want to leave you yet. Not like this, not as friends. At least I had hoped to give you a hug when saying goodbye. Not sure why we didn’t hug. Even good friends would do this. I also regretted not telling you certain things I had wanted to tell you or not replying to certain things you had said today or not asking you to further explain them.

Like when you told me that you hadn’t actually finished reading my last email, even after a few attempts already. Was it too long? Too serious? Too difficult for you to deal with? Or all of these options?

Or when you told me that H wouldn’t have to worry about you and what you might do when it comes to meeting me one on one like today. Is this just because you have the integrity not to betray your friend by stealing his wife? Or are you also not even interested in doing so?

I texted you at home, thanking you again for meeting me, that it was nice just talking to you and that we should do this again some time if you want. You: “I see no reason yet why not.” (Yet?)

It did feel like a date today. A first date. Getting to know each other more, confiding things in each other, smiling and laughing, at times interrupted by almost awkward silences, our eyes meeting and nervously looking away again quickly, (still) keeping a certain distance physically, not crossing any inappropriate borders. Maybe neither some appropriate borders when it comes to a friendship, both knowing that we’re in this weird situation where I had admitted to having felt a bit more than friendship at one point in the past.

From the outside, it also must have appeared to be a date.

*sigh*

But it was not a date, right?

 

Can We Be Friends?

This new you really has messed me up. I don’t know what to do, how to stop the pain, the tears, the heartache, the longing and the yearning…

It has been such a roller coaster ride again. After the WhatsApp text I had sent you, I felt okay at first, but quickly went back to my usual love-hungry foolishness. I sent you a long email explaining what I felt, why I might feel this way (just guessing, but maybe this crush is just there to substitute negative emotions left over from recent losses, miscarriages… I really have no clue why I keep falling for other men, so intensely even).

And then there was silence on your end: no reply, no text message, no online gaming together, you didn’t even show up online, appeared to be offline… There was a long weekend coming up; growing impatient, I finally asked if you had received the email? Yes, you answered and you would try to write something on the weekend. Weekend was over – still nothing. I felt angry, sad, disappointed. Did I go too far? I didn’t ask you out, I didn’t ask for sex or an affair or any type of relationship. I had just explained what happened and why I thought it did. I told you I do not want to leave H, that I am very happy with H and the only thing missing in our relationship were our own children. Why was there no answer from you? I didn’t want to annoy you, but I needed to know what was going on. Could we stay friends, gaming buddies? Could we get back to where we were before? After all, I really enjoy your company online. I would value you as a friend.

You apologized for not replying sooner and you finally told me more about what was on your mind. You told me about your issue coming to terms with all this, the situation, if I could or would really consider doing something like leaving or betraying H, your only real life buddy? You told me about being a psychological wreck after your first and only girlfriend betrayed you, not with another man, but with a woman. How you hated infidelity. How you had no clue why H hadn’t yet happily announced that he’s going to be a father soon. How your older sister experienced the loss of an unborn child as well. How you cannot deal with emotions. How you seem to be a black hole for negative emotions and there seems to be no room for other emotions. And yes, you kept your distance as you didn’t know what else to do. You thought of the worst case scenario – me leaving H for you and how all I would get from you then in return was pure hatred for cheating on H for no reason at all. You don’t want to hurt H. You do want to stay or become friends with me, but as long as I feel what I feel it wouldn’t work.

Reading your message made me cry. I felt so sorry for what you had experienced. I had no clue you were an emotional mess as well. A different emotional mess, but still in pain. I could almost feel your pain. I wanted to relieve you from it. Reach out to you. Be there for you.

At the same time I felt relieved to know that you stayed away because you wanted to stay friends. That it mattered to you. I had feared to have pushed you away, that you might have even hated me already.

I texted and emailed you again. I had to make it clear to you that it was never my intention to leave H or to even cheat on him. I had never really the intention to start something with you. Your friendship means so much more to me than an affair or one-night-stand ever could. I meant it. I mean it. I had hoped you would believe me. I would have accepted the fact that you needed more time to deal with it, to believe me. But right away you said you had no doubts about me being honest. And we could be friends. And you wouldn’t even mind hanging out with me alone “just as friends”.

So I was happy, I was relieved, elated even! The highs… just to be followed by the lows again. And again. And again… It never stops. My mind is a fucking mess. I do value your friendship. I don’t want to lose this. I appreciate all the little things you told me about yourself, your dark sides, your emotional baggage. I know it takes a lot to open up like this. I value your openness and honesty. I know we can be real friends like this. Share our pains. Be there for each other.

But at the same time, my heart is still crying and aching for more… I just cannot help it. Everything I said and told you about not wanting to leave or cheat on H is true. It is not a lie. Please believe me. I love him dearly. I’ve been through so much shit in my past relationships, H is an angel in comparison. The man of my dreams. I do not want to lose him. So it hurts me even more to feel the way I feel. I want to be close to you. I want to feel you. I want to touch you and kiss you. I fantasize about making love with you. I wish it could just be a silly crush or innocent fantasy. But it is such a strong longing. I don’t know what to do about it. How to stop it. Whatever I get from you (and honestly, it is a LOT!), will never be enough. I question everything you do. Try to figure out if what you do is a reaction to something I did. Are you avoiding me again? If so, because you feel I like you more than I told you? Or is it because you might have stronger feelings as well and are trying to get rid off them because of H?

It doesn’t matter that you were all well-mannered to me last week when we went to the movies again as a group, even holding the door open for me. Looking at me, smiling at me (and maybe secretly checking me out?). I was a good girl that day. Even though I was sitting right next to you again, I kept my hands to myself, I didn’t go for a touch (even though I so much wanted to…). Yes, I showed some cleavage, but hey, it was (also) for H. It also doesn’t matter that you kept texting me while your vacation flight was being delayed and finally postponed to the next day and that you even texted me when you finally arrived. I hadn’t expected to hear from you the entire vacation, but you kept texting me once in a while. Told me how you would rather be home instead. It doesn’t matter that you sound so happy and cheerful when we are playing together online, that you were laughing so hard about my silly joke. That you keep making jokes that only I seem to find funny.

There are so many amazing moments we have shared together so far. Moments that show that I matter to you at least a bit, at least as a friend, a good friend even. All these moments don’t seem to matter because as soon as I see you “hiding” online or as soon as you take too long to reply to a text message, my mind keeps wondering why… What did I do wrong? Did I say something? Did I push too far again? Am I being too greedy and showing it? Do you know?

There could be so many valid reasons for your actions, but I feel like I would be making excuses again for you. I am getting mixed signals I feel. Or maybe I am just hoping they are mixed? I guess what I really want is for you to feel something for me as well, but because you got hurt in the past, you don’t want H – your only real life buddy as you say – to get hurt as well.

I have become a complete mess again. Every day I just keep waiting for you, for a message, a sign, something. I can’t do anything else. I can’t concentrate at work. I don’t enjoy what I usually enjoy doing. My mind is constantly with you. I felt horrible last Friday. I was crying a lot. I texted you, asked you to meet up for coffee or something to just talk. I told you I felt like shit, which is true. I just didn’t tell you why exactly. But I figured you could help me since you sometimes seem to feel this way as well. And you agreed. If I thought you could help me, you’d try. So we have a date this upcoming Saturday. Today I texted you the location I chose… that’s again about 3 hours ago. No reply yet, even though WhatsApp shows that you had read the message (oh…the joys of modern technology). And again, my mind keeps spinning. Why is it taking you so long to answer? Second thoughts? Just no time yet to check if the location is good, if you could get there by public transportation without problems? Are you just genuinely busy? Or just absent-minded? Lost in thought?

See what is happening? I can’t even appreciate you taking the time for me to help me, trying to be supportive, be a good friend. Just what I had asked for. No, my stupid mind and heart conspire against me. Make me go insane. I keep checking my phone. With each time I light up the display and see nothing new, my frustration keeps growing. My doubts win. Will you actually cancel our date? Find an excuse?

Ohhh… I want this to end. I really just want to be friends with you. But would that ever work? Can I quiet my mind and heart one day? Or will they always ask and beg for more?

Can we ever be just friends?

A Different “You”, Still the Same Story

“I’m in a cycle
Yeah, I admit it
How can I change it when I don’t know when I’m in it?”

Those are the lyrics to a song I’ve just recently discovered along with other songs from the same artist (Tove Lo). Her last album has become the soundtrack to what I’ve been going through the last couple weeks. The excitement, the butterflies, the intense sexual longing for you.

But wait… this “you” is not the “you” from before. It is a different guy.

You’re not a complete stranger. You’ve been working with H for some years now, must be 6 or 7 years? If I remember correctly, I first met you at one of the office summer parties around 5 years ago? The memories are so vague; you were so weird. And young. Almost a stereotypical IT guy. Just a face in the crowd at that party.  Later on (again I don’t remember dates or times here), you regularly joined H’s weekly gaming sessions online with his brother (yes, the first “you”) and another friend. Some time at the end of 2015 there was this new popular dinosaur game for which you set up a private server and I joined in those weekly gaming sessions because I liked playing this game as well. Nothing special there. I still considered you a little weird, but got used to you. Accepted you as H’s friend and coworker. I think you once or twice came to the movies with us and some other friends. And last year, H invited you to his birthday party. We also went to the Christmas market once as a group. Nothing out of the ordinary there.

The weekly gaming sessions together had ended some time last year, I believe. But I wanted to start my own private server again, this time to play with my parents and H (they all love that game). When H told you about this, you asked if you could join again as well. Of course, no problem. The more, the merrier. So the gaming sessions resumed about 2 months ago.

At first, it was all perfectly normal. Just like in the past. And then one day, out of nowhere, suddenly and unexpectedly, there it was. At first, it was just a “mmh,-interesting-guy”- kind of feeling which I immediately tried to shrug off. Barely even noticed it. Yet it kept creeping up, becoming stronger and stronger. Suddenly I felt myself looking forward to the gaming session, to hearing your voice. I felt a bit disappointed whenever I saw you as being online but then you didn’t join our game or voice chat. And I fell back into the trap of interpreting certain things you did or said into something more. Was this a compliment you just gave me? Did you purposely position your character right next to mine? Twice?

H, you and another friend wanted to go to the movies last week again. H wanted me to join. At first I declined. It wasn’t really a movie I would insist on watching at the theater, but then I thought about if I could convince my silly heart to stop this nonsense with you when I see you in reality, making me realize that you’re still the same weird, uninteresting IT guy.

This great plan of mine… well, it backfired! (What a surprise, eh?) You still are a bit of a stereotypical IT guy: intentionally scruffy looking dark hair, dark full beard, a bit of a belly, tall, wearing black jeans and a dark t-shirt of U2 that day. You are so much the opposite of the other you. Yet, I immediately realized that now I wanted you even more. And yes, it was pure sexual desire! To be honest, you are, in fact, my type of man. I like beards, dark hair, and I don’t mind a bit of meat around the waist. By chance, we ended up sitting next to each other during the movie. H to my right, you to my left. I put my arms on the arm rests, leaving enough space for you. We once touched like this by accident and you immediately pulled away. Not so the second time, or the third. Or the fourth. However, it was so barely noticeable. I am not sure if you even felt it? To me, it was clear back then. This could be mutual.

It fired up all my sexual energy. I wanted you. I kept imagining hooking up with you. How it would be with you. Exploring your body. Running my hands through your hair and your beard. Feeling your beard tickle me while your head moves down on my naked body, from my excited breasts to between my shaking legs.

I used these fantasies when making love with H. And damn, we had some really great and intense sex!

As mentioned before, I’ve also been listening to some new songs and coincidentally, they are sexually explicit in the same context. I wished I could experience what they were about with you. Just uncomplicated, hot and exciting sex. Fuck whatever the consequence. Fuck morale. “Fuck, fuck some sense into me.”  

What happened? I couldn’t recognize myself anymore. And within hours after the movies, things got completely out of hand again. My mind was focused on you. Couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t concentrate at work. When would be the next time we could play together online, when would be the time we could play together for real? And gosh, was I disappointed and sad and angry when you didn’t join our game the next 2 days. Surely, you were trying to stay away from me so that it would be easier for you to resist me, right? I was desperate. Even sent you a message on WhatsApp, asking a random innocent question just to stay in contact with you somehow. On Friday you finally joined again and we had some time online together just the two of us. You asked me about that message and we kept talking more about the topic. A normal conversation. To me, it was a sign you were interested as well. What else could it be, right?

The disappointment when you didn’t join in even though you were online, the longing, the sleepless nights… it all was starting to drive me crazy. It had to end. Either by a night of spectacular sex or by you telling me to go fly a kite (I’m tough like this, there’s no in-between, it’s do-or-die). I drafted up an email. That worked so well with the last you… Didn’t send it though. I remembered you have a week off now. How about asking you out for coffee? Telling you in person? Seeing your reaction in real? (Wait…that also worked out great the last time.) Fall in your arms after, go to your place and fall into your bed.

So I sent you another message on WhatsApp yesterday. Just wanted to ask you out, but then it turned out to become a confession already:

Any plans for Wednesday or Thursday yet?

-No, nothing yet.

Would you like meeting up for coffee or something with me? I’d like to get something off my chest. Could also email you. Whatever you prefer.

-Mh, okay, just tell me where and when and I’ll be there.

-Or write an email. I’ll leave that up to you.

Okay. I will think about it. Thx. But please don’t tell anyone.

-Well, I figured to better keep my mouth shut.

Good.

So I guess you also figured what it might be about?

If it’s not too uncomfortable for you, I’d prefer a conversation in person.

-Nope, I actually have no clue what it might be about 😀

-Well, I might know WHO it is about, but What… I would have to think hard about it.

Okay. Thought it would have been more obvious by now. Who do you think it is about?

-H? If not, I have no clue.

Mmh…well. It’s the no-clue-option.

It’s about you.

And that is exactly what the problem is 😦 But I will explain more to you soon. Like this, it’s not really good.

To sum it up, it’s about me spending a little too much time thinking of you. More than I should. And it’s confusing me and has to stop soon.

No idea what you could do about it or if a convo in person would help at all.

-No clue really what I could do… but meeting up wouldn’t be the… wisest idea for now, I guess.

 

In the end, you reassured me that we would stay good gaming buddies and nothing would change.

I did feel relieved. At the same time, I felt sad. And really angry at myself. How did I end up in such a mess again? How come I always fall for other guys while I am in a happy and also sexually fulfilling relationship with H? What is it I am looking for? I really can’t figure it out. Do I need to be admired by other men? By younger men even (the first you was 4 years younger than me, the new you 8!)? Is it just hormones? Am I addicted to the butterflies? The feelings of falling for someone new?

It is always the same: Feelings come up, can’t get rid off them. Suddenly everything he does matters. He can do 1 thing that might show his mutual feelings and a hundred things that clearly don’t. And I will always make excuses for the latter and only focus on the first. Worst part: even when he tells me there’s nothing he wants from me, my silly silly heart tells me it’s because of his respect for H. (“He’s my brother/coworker/friend/…”)

Yes, sure, all men I long for secretly are longing for me, too.

I feel stupid.

Hangover

Home again. Our vacation is over. And I feel strange: mostly numb, but once in a while there’s a sudden feeling of sadness and disappointment. I am restless and drained at the same time. These last 2 weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster ride. I guess you could also compare it to a really bad hangover. The high made me forget about all my problems and I felt elated, like anything and everything was possible with you. But then I reached the point where it was too much or the wrong kind of alcohol and it all went downhill from there.

Not only do I have to deal with my everyday struggles again, but also with realizing – once again – what a fool I’ve been to believe that you might have feelings for me despite what you had told me in the past.

What’s even worse is the recent turn of events that you might be getting or having a girlfriend already. The signs were pretty clear: it wasn’t just the emailing with the big puppy grin in your face on Wednesday, but also how you behaved yesterday when we arrived at your mother’s place. You were talking on your phone for probably around half an hour while trying to stay away from us so that we wouldn’t be able to overhear. This might be normal behaviour for some people, but not for you. Even H noticed that this was unusual for you to do! (I actually told him, casually, that I think you’re about to get a girlfriend and about what I had observed on Wednesday.) When even other people notice a change in your behaviour in this direction, then I’m pretty sure my guess is right.

But it happened so suddenly. It really all started to change on Wednesday after you came back from that day trip with H. Up until that point, we had great moments together: we talked; we laughed while watching silly TV shows; you showed interest in what I’d been doing on a certain day, where I’d been going, how my bicycling tour had been; you did nice things for me again; I sometimes caught you looking at me, checking me out even… However, you did nothing even remotely close to any of that on and after Wednesday. It was almost as if I didn’t even exist. You only interacted with your computer and email program.

You also suddenly changed plans. Originally, we were to leave the cottage on Friday and drive to your mother’s place (it’s roughly 5 hours by car), where we would all stay the night before we were to finally go to our respective homes after lunch on Saturday. However, on Thursday you announced you’d take the last train home on Friday night already, at about 11:30 PM, so you’d be home at 3 AM on Saturday. Why would you depart so hastily in the middle of the night? Was there someone impatiently waiting for you now? Probably…

So I wonder what happened in between Wednesday and the days before that? Were you waiting for her, for some type of sign from her and you just kinda toyed with me, seeing me as a substitute or maybe even a test dummy? On that day, did she finally tell you she’s interested or even that she loves you?

I could have been wrong again in interpreting your signals at the beginning of our vacation. It’s very likely actually. But your general and sudden change in behaviour is not deniable.

There was one positive aspect to all of this, however: it made it a little easier to anticipate and finally say goodbye. I felt sad on Wednesday, but was already numb enough on Thursday to not dread the end of our time together. I was okay with it, maybe even a tiny bit relieved.

I’ll have to sort this all out again now. Come to terms with the likely scenario of you presenting a woman at your side soon. How can I ever have a normal and appropriate relationship with you? Will I ever be able to simply see you as my brother-in-law? Would I ever be able to like or at least accept “your” woman?

Why is this so complicated? After all, I am happy with H. This is not a lie. I don’t understand why I keep falling for you again and again. I will have to think about all of this once more, but not now. Not during this hangover.

My Worst Fear

When you and H finally came back from that day trip, you said hello to me, but furtively and right away, you left again to go to the beach. That surprised me as it was evening and the weather wasn’t that good even. And then when you finally got back yet again, you went straight onto your portable computer. You barely interacted with me. Instead you were writing and reading emails, with a little smile on your face and you didn’t really let yourself get distracted from it. You were happy amd a bit hyper afterwards.

It seems as if you might be having a girlfriend or are about to get one…

Which would be the worst possible timing for something like this, right when I have fallen completely for you again and am trying to cope with having this vacation together end soon.

I feel like crying. I am so stupid and naive. Damn you… Silly me…

Surprising Discovery

Shortly before 7 AM today, you and H left to go on that day trip together with your stepdad. You won’t be back before 9 PM, so now I have this vacation house to myself. Good opportunity to sneak into your bedroom. I just want to get a feel for you, how you’ve been living the last days. Am I a creepy stalker? Maybe. Maybe not. It gives me a chance to be a little bit closer to you, perhaps even to find out a little bit more about you. More private things. Looking for clues also.

In your room, right next to the door, there’s a chest of drawers. That’s where I looked first. You had a small pouch for cosmetic items on it, made out of see-through plastic. It was so thin, not much in it. I carefully picked it up and wanted to see if there was something in it that would emit your scent. (As you may know, I really like the way you smell.) But what I found in there really surprised me: condoms! (2 of them actually, one even XXL size)

So that raises a few questions for me, mainly of course, why did you bring this here with you? You obviously never went out while here to meet women. You spent most of your time either with us, or bicycling, or going swimming in the morning. Sure, you could have met women while supposedly being on a tour, but then again, you always showed us your tracked routes and there just wasn’t any time to do other things (unless of course, you’re into quickies in the bushes or things like that…) So really, the only women around you here on this vacation are your mother and me, and I’m sure we don’t even have to take your mother into consideration in this matter.

The only other possible option would be that it’s part of your standard travelling equipment. You’ve travelled to different places recently on your own or with business colleagues (males, as far as I know), so it’s likely you’ve taken the condoms with you on those trips and you simply forgot to take them out for this one now.

Yet, I still wonder why you left them there, so easy to find. Okay, you probably wouldn’t expect anyone to walk into your room and check your stuff. You’d assume people respect your privacy. I didn’t mean to intrude. I’ve been careful. Other than looking at that pouch, I only carefully sat down on your bed and glanced over your scattered clothes on the second bed in that room. I don’t want to leave a trace, don’t want you to find out that I was there. However, might there be a small chance that you actually expected or even hoped that I would do just that today, given the opportunity? Did you want me to find it? If so, was it to show me that you have sex with other women? Or to show me that you would be prepared to have sex with me?

Or does it mean nothing at all again? Did you just forget to unpack them for this trip and then you simply put them there without even realizing it? That’s probably the most likely scenario, even though it’s not my most preferred one…

Complete Relapse

Here we are again. Back at square one. I have completely lost my mind about you. I’m craving you. This vacation here has not been helping. It’s been making things worse. I have thoroughly enjoyed every minute near or with you. But the more time we spend together, the greedier I get and the more I want you. I want to spend even more time with you. I don’t want this to end. We will part ways on Saturday. I don’t know what I will do then.

Again there are these thoughts that you might actually be into me, want me as much as I want you, but that you will not confess in order to not destroy your relationship with your brother, your mother and whoever else would be collateral damage. I know that you told me otherwise. More than once already. But no matter how hard I try to convince myself that this was the truth, that there really is nothing you feel for me other than what a normal brother-in-law would feel for his sister-in-law, there is always this desperate voice in my heart telling me it’s not true. He does love you.

I don’t know how to stop this again, to make this voice shut up. Well, there is one way for sure. The same like last times: I would have to talk to you again, be open and honest with you. But this time, I don’t want this. We’re finally getting along again. I mean, you’re not avoiding me anymore; you’re not making subtle and mean comments anymore to keep me at bay; we can actually talk like normal people again. It has taken us more than 2 years. I don’t want to ruin this again by bothering you with this crap once more. So this time, I will have to find a way to deal with this by myself. Without your help or your input. I have absolutely no clue how.

Right now, I still have a few days left with you here. I will enjoy every minute still. Tomorrow, you’re actually going on a day trip to another island. So I won’t see you for the day. H is coming with you. I will be home alone. But that will give me time to think about things and probably come back here and get more off my chest. That’s hopefully one way to deal with this issue now by myself.

(Gosh, you’re hot. You just came back from a bicycling trip, earlier than expected. Seeing you in that outfit…I just wish to take it off you. You just mentioned that you’d come with us to the beach later on. Now I’m nervous. Will we be going swimming together? Will I be able to see more of your hot body?)

On Vacation Together

Yes, we are on vacation together – you, H and I. It’s been planned for over a year, it was your mother’s idea. They rented the apartment next to our cottage here at the coast of the Baltic Sea. We’re sharing a home now, at least for 12 days.

At first I wasn’t too fond of the idea, still couldn’t deal with how you reacted to my last confession. And I wanted to avoid you as much as possible.

Recently things have changed again, however. It’s still mainly only a physical attraction, but it drives me crazy. Both in a good and a bad way. It was bad when we met 3 weeks ago for that big birthday party of your stepdad. I was so obsessed with getting your attention and showing off my female benefits while at the same time realizing that it’d be still absolutely pointless and destructive and unhealthy and wrong and (…fill in any other negative attribute…) that I got sad and more depressed than I already usually am due to my mental illness.

And now look at me: sharing this vacation time and place with you does all kinds of emotional things to me. I feel happy, lustful, disappointed and sad, all within hours mostly. But you know what? I don’t care. Not yet, at least.

I want to test the boundaries, test your reactions. As I am sure there is nothing to lose or gain from it as you’re definitely not interested, at least let me play around a little with you. I want to subtly flirt, ignite some sexual sparks. I want to be in your head next time you pleasure yourself, even if you don’t want it. I just want to have that little bit of power over you.

Or at least the illusion that I could have that type of power over you…

Let me have some fun.

Not Again Please

I don’t even know where to start. My last entry here is more than 2 years old. It’s been more than 2 years free from your spell. More than 2 years in which I didn’t care about you. I even wished at times that I wouldn’t see you, that you wouldn’t come visit us or wouldn’t stay as long as you’d planned. I still hadn’t warmed up to you again after you so rudely dismissed me that day back in September 2014.

Just last month, H had planned his birthday party for the long weekend where you’d be in town anyway for the guys’ hiking trip like every year. So you were supposed to stay here from Wednesday evening until Sunday morning. I didn’t look forward to that. I didn’t want you to be around for so long. Then H got sick that Friday and had to cancel his party. He suggested for you to leave and go back home so that you wouldn’t catch whatever virus he had. So that was it. You left early and I was relieved. H rescheduled the party for the weekend after. You couldn’t come then, had other plans already. And again, I was relieved. I couldn’t care less actually. Just a side note.

But then there was this weekend get-together with your family 3 days ago. I don’t know what happened. Suddenly, out of nowhere, literally, it hit me. There it was. Again. The desire. The wish to get your attention.

I noticed how good you were looking in that black shirt. I noticed your skin showing as you were sitting on the couch, your notebook on your lap. I noticed your quick glance at my breasts at the dinner table. I noticed you smile at me a few times. Hesitant, but it was there. You made a joke, trying to lock me out on the veranda. I managed to avoid that. It kinda was like that Christmas when I first had feelings for you. A very long time ago, it seemed. Almost forgotten. I was so sure that I was over you for good.

When I noticed the first signs of confusion again, I immediately tried to dismiss them. Get them out of my head. Don’t even go there, I told myself. Let’s not start this again.

Back home again, Monday morning, home alone, thoughts were running through my head. And worse, I felt it in my groin. Purely sexual. I could not get you out of my head like this. It got worse on Tuesday. The longing got stronger. The same feelings from past, long gone desires for you. And today is Wednesday and it seems to get worse every day.

Why? How did this happen again? For f***’s sake, I don’t need this shit right now! What’s wrong with me? I’m craving you again. I know that I don’t love you. I would even go as far as to say that I don’t like you still. There was just too much hurt you put me through that I won’t be able to forgive you. Yet, my body wants you I guess. My hormones are out of balance. They’re going crazy. I don’t know why. Like I said, I don’t need this drama right now. I’ve got enough issues to deal with right now. But maybe they are partly to blame for this mess now. I’m currently in therapy for depression. H and I had another miscarriage in 2015 and we found out that I have a genetic disorder that drastically reduces the chance for us to have a healthy child. I’m trying to deal with all this. That’s more than enough on my plate right now. I don’t want to go back to this mess with you. I’ve had enough. Please don’t start this again. Get the f*** out of my mind!