“I’m in a cycle
Yeah, I admit it
How can I change it when I don’t know when I’m in it?”
Those are the lyrics to a song I’ve just recently discovered along with other songs from the same artist (Tove Lo). Her last album has become the soundtrack to what I’ve been going through the last couple weeks. The excitement, the butterflies, the intense sexual longing for you.
But wait… this “you” is not the “you” from before. It is a different guy.
You’re not a complete stranger. You’ve been working with H for some years now, must be 6 or 7 years? If I remember correctly, I first met you at one of the office summer parties around 5 years ago? The memories are so vague; you were so weird. And young. Almost a stereotypical IT guy. Just a face in the crowd at that party. Later on (again I don’t remember dates or times here), you regularly joined H’s weekly gaming sessions online with his brother (yes, the first “you”) and another friend. Some time at the end of 2015 there was this new popular dinosaur game for which you set up a private server and I joined in those weekly gaming sessions because I liked playing this game as well. Nothing special there. I still considered you a little weird, but got used to you. Accepted you as H’s friend and coworker. I think you once or twice came to the movies with us and some other friends. And last year, H invited you to his birthday party. We also went to the Christmas market once as a group. Nothing out of the ordinary there.
The weekly gaming sessions together had ended some time last year, I believe. But I wanted to start my own private server again, this time to play with my parents and H (they all love that game). When H told you about this, you asked if you could join again as well. Of course, no problem. The more, the merrier. So the gaming sessions resumed about 2 months ago.
At first, it was all perfectly normal. Just like in the past. And then one day, out of nowhere, suddenly and unexpectedly, there it was. At first, it was just a “mmh,-interesting-guy”- kind of feeling which I immediately tried to shrug off. Barely even noticed it. Yet it kept creeping up, becoming stronger and stronger. Suddenly I felt myself looking forward to the gaming session, to hearing your voice. I felt a bit disappointed whenever I saw you as being online but then you didn’t join our game or voice chat. And I fell back into the trap of interpreting certain things you did or said into something more. Was this a compliment you just gave me? Did you purposely position your character right next to mine? Twice?
H, you and another friend wanted to go to the movies last week again. H wanted me to join. At first I declined. It wasn’t really a movie I would insist on watching at the theater, but then I thought about if I could convince my silly heart to stop this nonsense with you when I see you in reality, making me realize that you’re still the same weird, uninteresting IT guy.
This great plan of mine… well, it backfired! (What a surprise, eh?) You still are a bit of a stereotypical IT guy: intentionally scruffy looking dark hair, dark full beard, a bit of a belly, tall, wearing black jeans and a dark t-shirt of U2 that day. You are so much the opposite of the other you. Yet, I immediately realized that now I wanted you even more. And yes, it was pure sexual desire! To be honest, you are, in fact, my type of man. I like beards, dark hair, and I don’t mind a bit of meat around the waist. By chance, we ended up sitting next to each other during the movie. H to my right, you to my left. I put my arms on the arm rests, leaving enough space for you. We once touched like this by accident and you immediately pulled away. Not so the second time, or the third. Or the fourth. However, it was so barely noticeable. I am not sure if you even felt it? To me, it was clear back then. This could be mutual.
It fired up all my sexual energy. I wanted you. I kept imagining hooking up with you. How it would be with you. Exploring your body. Running my hands through your hair and your beard. Feeling your beard tickle me while your head moves down on my naked body, from my excited breasts to between my shaking legs.
I used these fantasies when making love with H. And damn, we had some really great and intense sex!
As mentioned before, I’ve also been listening to some new songs and coincidentally, they are sexually explicit in the same context. I wished I could experience what they were about with you. Just uncomplicated, hot and exciting sex. Fuck whatever the consequence. Fuck morale. “Fuck, fuck some sense into me.”
What happened? I couldn’t recognize myself anymore. And within hours after the movies, things got completely out of hand again. My mind was focused on you. Couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t concentrate at work. When would be the next time we could play together online, when would be the time we could play together for real? And gosh, was I disappointed and sad and angry when you didn’t join our game the next 2 days. Surely, you were trying to stay away from me so that it would be easier for you to resist me, right? I was desperate. Even sent you a message on WhatsApp, asking a random innocent question just to stay in contact with you somehow. On Friday you finally joined again and we had some time online together just the two of us. You asked me about that message and we kept talking more about the topic. A normal conversation. To me, it was a sign you were interested as well. What else could it be, right?
The disappointment when you didn’t join in even though you were online, the longing, the sleepless nights… it all was starting to drive me crazy. It had to end. Either by a night of spectacular sex or by you telling me to go fly a kite (I’m tough like this, there’s no in-between, it’s do-or-die). I drafted up an email. That worked so well with the last you… Didn’t send it though. I remembered you have a week off now. How about asking you out for coffee? Telling you in person? Seeing your reaction in real? (Wait…that also worked out great the last time.) Fall in your arms after, go to your place and fall into your bed.
So I sent you another message on WhatsApp yesterday. Just wanted to ask you out, but then it turned out to become a confession already:
Any plans for Wednesday or Thursday yet?
-No, nothing yet.
Would you like meeting up for coffee or something with me? I’d like to get something off my chest. Could also email you. Whatever you prefer.
-Mh, okay, just tell me where and when and I’ll be there.
-Or write an email. I’ll leave that up to you.
Okay. I will think about it. Thx. But please don’t tell anyone.
-Well, I figured to better keep my mouth shut.
So I guess you also figured what it might be about?
If it’s not too uncomfortable for you, I’d prefer a conversation in person.
-Nope, I actually have no clue what it might be about 😀
-Well, I might know WHO it is about, but What… I would have to think hard about it.
Okay. Thought it would have been more obvious by now. Who do you think it is about?
-H? If not, I have no clue.
Mmh…well. It’s the no-clue-option.
It’s about you.
And that is exactly what the problem is 😦 But I will explain more to you soon. Like this, it’s not really good.
To sum it up, it’s about me spending a little too much time thinking of you. More than I should. And it’s confusing me and has to stop soon.
No idea what you could do about it or if a convo in person would help at all.
-No clue really what I could do… but meeting up wouldn’t be the… wisest idea for now, I guess.
In the end, you reassured me that we would stay good gaming buddies and nothing would change.
I did feel relieved. At the same time, I felt sad. And really angry at myself. How did I end up in such a mess again? How come I always fall for other guys while I am in a happy and also sexually fulfilling relationship with H? What is it I am looking for? I really can’t figure it out. Do I need to be admired by other men? By younger men even (the first you was 4 years younger than me, the new you 8!)? Is it just hormones? Am I addicted to the butterflies? The feelings of falling for someone new?
It is always the same: Feelings come up, can’t get rid off them. Suddenly everything he does matters. He can do 1 thing that might show his mutual feelings and a hundred things that clearly don’t. And I will always make excuses for the latter and only focus on the first. Worst part: even when he tells me there’s nothing he wants from me, my silly silly heart tells me it’s because of his respect for H. (“He’s my brother/coworker/friend/…”)
Yes, sure, all men I long for secretly are longing for me, too.
I feel stupid.