You actually remembered and called me up on my birthday yesterday! I seriously did not expect it. When I saw your name on the display on the ringing phone, I was pleasantly surprised. Your birthday wishes were nice, but they came with a bit of an aftertaste or slightly bitter undertone: besides the usual wishes for good health and good luck, you also wished for me to be able “to take care of the thing eventually”.
You did not elaborate, but I could guess that the thing is my inappropriate feelings for you. Glad to hear that it’s still on your mind sometimes and that you’re not completely oblivious to it or ignoring it. But then again, I didn’t really like the way you phrased it or put it as a side note amongst the birthday wishes. And how am I supposed to take care of it? It’s not like a chore I could put into my schedule. There’s nothing really I could do to change my feelings from one day to the other. Granted, it got better already or changed a lot at least. I mentioned it before: my romantic, lovey-dovey feelings for you are gone and for the most part have been replaced by spiteful ones. But you don’t know this. So you telling me to take care of it the way you did just feels wrong.
I’ve been absent from here for quite some time now. And that’s also due to your absence from my mind recently. Well, you’re not completely absent, however. Once in a while I think of you. Unfortunately, my thoughts are never neutral.
Most of the time, I actually have bad thoughts. Mean ones. I’m still angry, I guess. I curse you. Last time with your parents, we looked at some photos and a video they took when they visited you. On that video, you looked rather uncomfortable being filmed. And I found comfort in your discomfort. Serves you right, I thought. When we talk about that online game, I always feel delighted to hear when you had a bad day with lots of losses. I don’t know why these things make me feel better. But they do, I must admit.
Then occasionally, I have good thoughts about you. Well, not really good in a sense that I feel all dazed and crazy in love. Those times are over. But I think my mind is still trying to trick me into thinking that you still haven’t told me the truth about the way you feel towards me. Crazy, isn’t it? I got your confirmation twice now and my stupid mind (or maybe it’s my stupid heart) still intends to prove you wrong, that you keep on lying about your true feelings for me for moral reasons, to protect your brother, to protect the ones you love. How silly is that?! I know well enough that none of this is true, but these kind of thoughts keep coming back once in a while.
Your behaviour around me has returned to the state it was in before, after your initial reaction seemed to be to ignore me altogether. We’ve played that online game together again (with H); we’ve talked on the phone again, like normal people (or as if nothing ever happened). You then even asked me how I was doing! This “kindness” – or whatever it really is – caught me off guard; I didn’t even know right away what to answer. So you continue where we left off. I am not sure what to make of it.
I wonder if you will call today or send me an email. It’s my birthday. Last year, you completely forgot. And even when H gave you a hint, you still forgot. So I won’t expect anything from you this time. However, I’m curious to see what you’ll do (or not do).
Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.
How should we like it if stars were to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.
Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.
Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little time.
– W. H. Auden
This poem is wonderful. And it describes my situation so perfectly: I feel so much hate for you now, but how can that be any better than what you are doing to me or have done to me? I’ll have to learn to accept you for what you are, try to be as kind as possible. If you cannot be the nice or caring one, let it be me then.
I think you’re avoiding me now. You haven’t asked me even once to play with you this week, while you’d asked me every day last week! Really? How come? I’m tired of making excuses for you, so it’s safe to say that you’re doing it on purpose. You simply do not want to have anything to do with me right now.
You’re such a messed up person. When you’re nice, it’s by accident, not on purpose. And now you’re intentionally avoiding me and being a jerk. Well fuck off! Guess you’re showing your true colours finally. And mine are coming through, too. I’m so pissed off at you right now. I’m trying to distract myself, go about my usual routine, but whenever I think of you, I get really mad and angry.
I still can’t believe how I could have been so wrong in judging you. I really thought you were the nicest guy on earth. That long weekend trip to our friend’s place in June was so magical. Sitting next to you during the role playing game, our feet touching, you pulling me into the conversation while placing your hand on my thigh…that was so wonderful. And I remember so many good moments with you from that weekend. Like I said, it felt truly magical to me. And now I have absolutely no clue what it was all about. Where did all the magic go? Did I imagine it all? Maybe I don’t want to know the truth behind your actions and feelings from that trip. Maybe I want to keep this as my last illusion of you that I could retreat to. I’ve held you in such high regard.
It’s all gone now.