Not Sure What To Do (Advice Welcome)

I am sitting here in our cozy little cottage that we rented for our vacation in Sweden. The view onto the lake and the forest in the background is simply amazing. It is a wonderful place here. We could not have chosen a better destination.

Yet, I cannot fully enjoy it. I had thought and hoped that I would be able to forget about you while I am here with H. But I miss you so badly. I wake up feeling sad. And the odd thing is that I feel as if you might be missing me as well and that makes me even sadder. To think that you might be suffering. It is really a strange feeling. It feels so real, but I do not know if that is really the case. Do you indeed miss me? Do you feel jealous that H is here alone with me, instead of you? Or do you not care at all?

H left to go fishing, so that’s why I am here now. Before that, I drafted another email to you. Asking if we could have a talk one-on-one next time we meet. I also briefly explained what it would be about and that I believe it’d be better to discuss this in person and not by email or on the phone. Now the question is: should I send it?

I fear that, if I am wrong, I could alienate you again. Maybe you just warmed up to me in a friendly or brotherly way and by confessing to you again, that I feel more for you, you might want to put some distance between us again and I might lose this very good relationship or friendship we’re having now. Then again, you could turn out to be very understanding and nothing might change at all. I just don’t know what to do here.

I feel I should take the risk in order to get peace of mind. After all, I am sure that I will have that talk with you, sooner or later. Should I announce it to you now already? Will it make things awkward between us until then? But maybe you would like a “heads-up”?

I’ll keep the draft email for now, sleep over it. I think I did the same with the last draft. I didn’t send that one, but I also didn’t copy it for me to send it when on vacation, so it’s of no use anymore anyway.

Maybe I can ask whoever might read this for input…I usually don’t address anyone here, but I am open to any advice or thoughts on the issue. Should I send out that email asking if he would be willing to talk to me personally about the whole matter? Or should I just talk to him whenever the opportunity presents itself? Or should I not talk to him at all? Or should I do something completely different?

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Saved As Draft

I just finished typing up that email to you. I did not push “send”. I stored it away as a draft email. Will I send it?

Can I handle the truth, whatever it may be? Do I want to risk what we are having now, whatever it may be?

Or would it be better to wait so that I could tell you everything in person, face to face? Would I be able to handle the truth then, deal with the risk?

I’ll sleep over it…

The Sweetest Guy

Trying to find a way to put the right words down to express what I am feeling now. I don’t know where and how to start. I feel so sad and I really miss you a lot, but at the same time I feel good…and loved back. It’s totally crazy. After that 4-day weekend at our friend’s house, I can only come to the conclusion that you do indeed love me as well. Or could I be completely wrong in my judgment? Am I so blinded by my longing for you that I totally misinterpret everything you do? Is that possible?

You are either the nicest, sweetest guy on earth (being especially nice only to me it seems) or there’s more to what you feel for me than just friendly or brotherly feelings.

We were sitting on the porch. You went inside to get a refill on your ice cream. When you came back outside, you put a chocolate bar in front of me, “here for you, so that you don’t need to starve”. Just like that. Another nice gesture. I have yet to see you do this for someone else. Hasn’t happened so far.

We were playing that role playing investigation game, guessing who among the party guests is the murderer. 6 people on the couch, H on my right side, you on my left side, legs stretched out onto an armchair in front of us. I’d chosen to play only a minor role so that I wouldn’t need to participate much. You ended up with the role as investigator and you kept pulling me into the action. A little hint at me now and then, while at the same time touching my arm or my knee to point at me. Were you looking for an excuse to touch me? At one point, you seemed to be getting closer with your legs to mine, or trying to. And then your toes touched mine. You didn’t take them away again, you just left them there. I didn’t move mine either. I felt this rush of warmth running through me. Wonderful… Were you doing this on purpose? It was so intense.

When we were going to the buffet place, H carpooled with someone else, so you took his seat in front, next to me. The passenger seat. And on the way back as well. We talked a lot and really casually. You told me things about yourself. I didn’t need to ask you really, you just openly talked about yourself. I don’t think you’ve ever done something like this before. Yes, we have talked before, but not like this. It would have been the perfect opportunity to have that honest talk with you, if we didn’t have another passenger in the back. But it was a nice feeling to have you sitting next to me in the car. From the outside you would have appeared to be my boyfriend probably, because boyfriend and girlfriend would sit in the front of the car, right?

At the buffet, you also chose to sit right opposite of me, at a table with more than 16 seats. You could have chosen any other seat, but you didn’t. And we joked about this vast amount of food and I was speechless to see you get a plate with cucumbers, sweet onions and cake! What a combination. But the whole time at the restaurant felt so intimate. As if we were there by ourselves, just the two of us, on a date. Did it just feel this way for me? Was I imagining things?

When we dropped you off at your place again yesterday, I’d asked you for some coffee. I had driven the entire route, 3 hours, and there were 90 more minutes ahead to get back home from your place. You only had an energy drink, but were willing to give it to me. You also had 2 bananas left in your scarcely filled refrigerator, but you also offered them to me freely, to strengthen up for our remaining drive home. I asked you for the trash to put the peel in after, but you told me to just leave it on the table, that you’d put it away yourself later on. And when I came back into the room after having used the bathroom, you were looking at me so nicely, in a way expectingly. I can’t describe it. It was making me smile. You were smiling a bit too, but you looked so gently at me. Gave me butterflies.

When we were leaving, you came downstairs with us instead of just saying goodbye in your apartment. Also a first. We hugged, you thanked me for driving you and I thanked you for the “emergency” food and drink supplies. And I think you looked kind of sad. I know I felt really sad to leave you there alone by yourself. How much I would have loved to hug you more, keep you in my arms a bit longer.

Damn, there were so many more incidences like this. I cannot even mention them all here…But really, how can I not think that you love me, too, after all this? Am I projecting so many of my own emotions onto you? Am I imagining only that you’d be feeling the same?

Are you just being nice to me, without any deeper meaning behind it? Is that just the way you are? I can’t figure you out. When I ask my heart, it tells me that you love me, but when I ask my mind it tells me that you already told me otherwise and that it’s just wishful thinking on my end. Who am I to believe?

I really need to have this talk with you soon. I will have to hear it from you (again). The question is when…Unfortunately, I didn’t get the chance this weekend. There were always too many people around. I will not see you before the end of July. Can I wait that long? Or will I have to write you another email? Don’t want to do it over the phone. Will I wait for H and us to return from our vacation? Or will I do it before?

Why can’t you just send me a message now, telling me that you can’t live like this anymore, that you need me, desire me, love me? Or are you even too nice to do this, don’t want to destroy what H and I have? Don’t want to hurt your brother?

I guess you are really a truly nice and wonderful human being, either way…

Stop It!

I should be working right now, but there’s nothing to do today here at the office. So I still have plenty of time before I can go home. I’m filling this time with you, what else did you expect?

It’s become pretty bad lately. This love for you has turned into something so uncontrollable, too consuming. I’ve even noticed that I seem to care less for H, that I appreciate him less. That worries me. Does my love for him start to fade now? Oh my…

My mind and heart are so occupied and busy with you. I often walk around with a smile on my face, because I keep on thinking of you and the nice things you’ve done for me, your stunning looks, your mesmerizing blue eyes, the anticipation of seeing you soon again. But I know this will not end well. Sooner or later, probably sooner than later, it will all come crashing down on me. Big time! It doesn’t even have to happen when I plan on having that honest talk with you. It could be any second now actually. It’s already near, that’s why I probably feel so worried about my feelings for H. I’ve come too far already. I’m probably beyond that point of no return. There’s no turning back without getting hurt a lot. But I knew that this was going to happen. Yet, I am not prepared. I don’t want it to happen. I want to stay “high” on you. I want to continue fantasizing about you. I want to remain in this slight hope of us having a future together. I want to believe that things are going to be alright for us.

I sent you an email yesterday to thank you for not letting me eat by myself during that indoor BBQ night. No matter why you did this, you deserve a “thank you” for it. Nice gestures often enough go unnoticed. So I wanted to let you know that I appreciated it. And even though I don’t expect a reply, I keep on checking my emails for one. I told you: it has become bad lately. You are all I can think of. I’m starting to be obsessed with you. How, oh how can I stop this again? Is it even possible still? What do I have to do?

Should I …?

Right before drifting off to sleep, I often get the best/worst ideas and I am not able to ignore them for a while; I’ll need to do something about them. Two days ago, it happened to me again. I’m still feeling so love drunk after your recent visit here, all I think about is you and if you could really feel more for me than you would want to admit.

So I got this (crazy?) idea to just ask you in person if what you told me once in that one email was the truth.

Of course, I wouldn’t just blatantly ask you next time we meet. The timing and setting would need to be right. It’s awkward enough I guess. I don’t want to scare you away, make you feel uncomfortable. It would need to be casual, but honest. I don’t want to ruin our friendship or whatever kind of relationship we’re having now. But I also wouldn’t mind being more open to you, telling you that I’m getting confused again by how you act around me at times. I think, or at least I hope that, if you told me in person that there’s really nothing besides “friendly” or “brotherly” feelings for me, I would finally be able to believe you, stop interpreting things into your behaviour that are really not there.

When writing an email, there’s more time to think about the right words, how to put things so as to not hurt the other person’s feelings or to “wiggle” your way out of the situation. And for the other person, it’s hard to read between the lines, to get the non-verbal cues, the body language, the tone of voice and so on. But I think that’s what I need to get from you. I’ll need to see how you tell me that you do not love me.

So maybe I’ll find out the whole truth this weekend. We’re picking you up on Friday and are staying at a friend’s house until Monday. I don’t want to rush this talking to you, but on the other hand, it would be great timing. Should things turn out awkward, I won’t be seeing you again before the end of July. That’d be enough time to put some distance between us, sort things out and get back to where we are now, as friends.

I’m looking forward to seeing you again so soon. I’ll stay open to the possibility of talking to you one on one, truthfully and openly, like grown-ups (despite the fact that I would probably be terribly nervous then!), but I’ll also try to stay calm if the opportunity won’t present itself.