Trying to find a way to put the right words down to express what I am feeling now. I don’t know where and how to start. I feel so sad and I really miss you a lot, but at the same time I feel good…and loved back. It’s totally crazy. After that 4-day weekend at our friend’s house, I can only come to the conclusion that you do indeed love me as well. Or could I be completely wrong in my judgment? Am I so blinded by my longing for you that I totally misinterpret everything you do? Is that possible?
You are either the nicest, sweetest guy on earth (being especially nice only to me it seems) or there’s more to what you feel for me than just friendly or brotherly feelings.
We were sitting on the porch. You went inside to get a refill on your ice cream. When you came back outside, you put a chocolate bar in front of me, “here for you, so that you don’t need to starve”. Just like that. Another nice gesture. I have yet to see you do this for someone else. Hasn’t happened so far.
We were playing that role playing investigation game, guessing who among the party guests is the murderer. 6 people on the couch, H on my right side, you on my left side, legs stretched out onto an armchair in front of us. I’d chosen to play only a minor role so that I wouldn’t need to participate much. You ended up with the role as investigator and you kept pulling me into the action. A little hint at me now and then, while at the same time touching my arm or my knee to point at me. Were you looking for an excuse to touch me? At one point, you seemed to be getting closer with your legs to mine, or trying to. And then your toes touched mine. You didn’t take them away again, you just left them there. I didn’t move mine either. I felt this rush of warmth running through me. Wonderful… Were you doing this on purpose? It was so intense.
When we were going to the buffet place, H carpooled with someone else, so you took his seat in front, next to me. The passenger seat. And on the way back as well. We talked a lot and really casually. You told me things about yourself. I didn’t need to ask you really, you just openly talked about yourself. I don’t think you’ve ever done something like this before. Yes, we have talked before, but not like this. It would have been the perfect opportunity to have that honest talk with you, if we didn’t have another passenger in the back. But it was a nice feeling to have you sitting next to me in the car. From the outside you would have appeared to be my boyfriend probably, because boyfriend and girlfriend would sit in the front of the car, right?
At the buffet, you also chose to sit right opposite of me, at a table with more than 16 seats. You could have chosen any other seat, but you didn’t. And we joked about this vast amount of food and I was speechless to see you get a plate with cucumbers, sweet onions and cake! What a combination. But the whole time at the restaurant felt so intimate. As if we were there by ourselves, just the two of us, on a date. Did it just feel this way for me? Was I imagining things?
When we dropped you off at your place again yesterday, I’d asked you for some coffee. I had driven the entire route, 3 hours, and there were 90 more minutes ahead to get back home from your place. You only had an energy drink, but were willing to give it to me. You also had 2 bananas left in your scarcely filled refrigerator, but you also offered them to me freely, to strengthen up for our remaining drive home. I asked you for the trash to put the peel in after, but you told me to just leave it on the table, that you’d put it away yourself later on. And when I came back into the room after having used the bathroom, you were looking at me so nicely, in a way expectingly. I can’t describe it. It was making me smile. You were smiling a bit too, but you looked so gently at me. Gave me butterflies.
When we were leaving, you came downstairs with us instead of just saying goodbye in your apartment. Also a first. We hugged, you thanked me for driving you and I thanked you for the “emergency” food and drink supplies. And I think you looked kind of sad. I know I felt really sad to leave you there alone by yourself. How much I would have loved to hug you more, keep you in my arms a bit longer.
Damn, there were so many more incidences like this. I cannot even mention them all here…But really, how can I not think that you love me, too, after all this? Am I projecting so many of my own emotions onto you? Am I imagining only that you’d be feeling the same?
Are you just being nice to me, without any deeper meaning behind it? Is that just the way you are? I can’t figure you out. When I ask my heart, it tells me that you love me, but when I ask my mind it tells me that you already told me otherwise and that it’s just wishful thinking on my end. Who am I to believe?
I really need to have this talk with you soon. I will have to hear it from you (again). The question is when…Unfortunately, I didn’t get the chance this weekend. There were always too many people around. I will not see you before the end of July. Can I wait that long? Or will I have to write you another email? Don’t want to do it over the phone. Will I wait for H and us to return from our vacation? Or will I do it before?
Why can’t you just send me a message now, telling me that you can’t live like this anymore, that you need me, desire me, love me? Or are you even too nice to do this, don’t want to destroy what H and I have? Don’t want to hurt your brother?
I guess you are really a truly nice and wonderful human being, either way…