Nervous

8 days left. Only. It seemed like forever a few weeks ago and now it’s just around the corner basically. Yes, I said before that I would not be nervous to see you next Friday and openly talk to you about everything. But that was then, now it’s different. I’m actually nervous as hell… It’s so soon suddenly. And there’s so much at stake really, in every scenario I can think of (who knows what could happen in those that I cannot think of…). Let’s see:

1. You do not love me back: this is the most likely scenario. You only like me as a friend or a sister. Which is a good thing, yes, of course. I’d love to build upon that, deepen our friendship without silly emotions in the way. However, I am scared that I might not be able to handle this as well as I imagine it now. Truth be told, I actually hope that you love me back. My heart longs for you. It wants to be loved back by you. So even though I’d truly appreciate your friendship, I’m afraid that I might want more still and wouldn’t be able to accept anything less than your love.

2. You do love me back, but won’t act upon it: second most likely scenario. All those nice things you did for me in the past would be so out of context if there wasn’t more to them than you just being nice. So in this scenario I fear that I won’t be able to deal with being in love with a guy who loves me back but we cannot be together. It’s not just about my own pain, but I don’t want to see or know you suffer as well. How would we go along our lives, every time we see each other during family events acting as if there’s nothing when all we really want is to be close to each other, hug, kiss, make love, share our life experiences?

3. You do love me back and we go along with it: least likely scenario, but not altogether impossible. We are a lot alike, at least from what I can tell. So why wouldn’t you feel the same need to actually go all the way? But of course, the problem here is that I am married to your brother. And I am so afraid to destroy everything, really everything: my marriage, your brotherhood, my good relations to your mother and family, your family bonds with them, and so much more. Totally devastating.

All this makes me nervous. I’m anxious to hear what you have to say to all this. Maybe it will turn out to be very simple, easy to solve and we’ll both be happy after. Oh, I can’t wait any longer, at the same time I don’t want this here to end, the hope, the feeling of potential. Right now, I can imagine countless ideal outcomes. Paradise at the end of the road. Will I find paradise in your arms next Friday?

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I’m A Mess

What’s going on? What’s happening to me? What am I doing?

I should be mourning. I should feel sad, angry and frustrated. I should be crying. Maybe I should read more often about coping methods, about buddhistic psychology. I should do all of these things so that I could get over the recent loss and get back to being and feeling normal. Instead I am going crazy over you, thoughts running wild in my head.

I’m impatient, don’t want to wait until the 26th when you will come here. Even though we agreed to leave whatever we have to discuss for that Friday in about 2 weeks time, instead of doing it via email, I still kind of hope to get a quick note from you, a short message to say hi and check in on me. Whenever you should have got home from work, I start – almost frantically – checking my mails every so often and get madly disappointed when there’s nothing from you in my inbox.

I’m so impatient that I can’t even wait for the weekend to hear your voice again when we will play that online game together. Each day is just crawling past me. I feel so bored, yet unmotivated to do anything. All I can do is paint mental pictures of you coming here, of us having that conversation. It continues with me having to cry and you taking me gently in your arms, holding me. And then you’re confessing your true feelings. They’ve been there all along. I can hear you say it, just the same way you did a while ago during that game: “Wanna cuddle?” Yes, I do. We’re lying down on the couch. I can rest my head on your chest, your arms tightly around me, one hand caressing my arm, while I gently touch your stomach, your chest. That’s it. We know the rules. We won’t do more than that.

But I have to confess my other fantasy: I also imagine us having an affair from that point on. You’ll have 2 more weeks off after that weekend, so I picture you renting a hotel room nearby to stay there. We’d meet up whenever I don’t have to work and while H is at work himself. We talk; we laugh; we cuddle; we make love one day; we have wild passionate sex the other.

Oh my God, what’s wrong with me? Is this normal? I thought I was over you, more or less. At least I thought to have gained some control. Now it feels so much worse, but at the same time so much better. I know I did the right thing asking you to talk to me one on one. It feels like we’re heading towards a deeper form of relationship or friendship. Somehow I am even more convinced now that you do have feelings for me, even though realistically I still believe that they are nothing more than friendly feelings. Does that make any sense? Gee, I don’t know what I am saying, how I can express what I am feeling.

It’s like I am heading towards that big conclusion of whatever this is here. I don’t fear the outcome. I am positive that it’s going to be good, one way or the other, no matter what you actually feel for me. I need to talk to you, be honest, get your feedback and yes, I do want to be held in your arms even if it’s just for a few seconds. I am yearning so much to see you again, talk to you. Until then, I am a complete mess it seems.

I Clicked On “Send”

It’s done.

No way back.

I emailed you just now. No, not to tell you that I am crushing on you, hard. But to ask you if there’s a chance to have a one-on-one talk on Friday. You are in town for the weekend, not to stay with us, but with some friends. I think you’re doing a bicycle tour or something and you will drop by here to pick up H’s spare bike on Friday. Depending on the time, we might have the chance to talk without anyone else around. That is, if you’re willing to do so.

The last 2 days I felt terrible. I am so sad and fed up of this mess. I feel sick to my stomach. I couldn’t go to work yesterday and today. This is not healthy. It cannot go on like this anymore. Whenever we part ways, I get sucked into this deep hole. With every new goodbye, the hole seems to get deeper and darker. Now it reached the point where I am incapable to go to work. That’s way too far. I need to stop it now. And the only way I can think of is to be honest with you, get your honesty back. Tell me that whatever I thought of your actions towards and behaviour around me was wrong and that there’s nothing romantic in them. I need to hear it from you. I need to see it in your eyes. Release me from your spell. It doesn’t matter if it hurts and how much. It’d be better this way. Sooner or later it will have to end. And it will be a painful end, either way. So let’s make this quick. Like pulling off a bandage.

I think I know you well enough. Things won’t be awkward, you will understand. Just like last time. Hopefully we can finally develop a good friendship. No silly feelings in between us. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to lose H. And I don’t want to lose my mind either…

Nothing Has Changed

We’re back from vacation. I actually enjoyed it and there even was a time when I did not think of you (that much). Towards the end I even felt sad that we had to leave, but the thought of talking to you again soon and eventually seeing you again cheered me up.

On our way home, we stayed a night at your family’s place and while we were there you called them. Not sure if you knew that we would be there as well, but your timing was great. Your mother put the speakers on so we could talk to you a bit. What a nice feeling hearing your voice again!

On the first day back to the usual routine, I logged onto that online game to play a round or two. It’s possible to see which friends are online there at the same time and I saw you. Nothing unusual. Unless we play together on TeamSpeak, we often play that game at the same time, by ourselves. On that day, though, you started to chat with me. A little conversation back and forth. General stuff. But you took the initiative. On purpose? Or just like that?

As you can see…nothing has changed. I still think of you (way too much probably) and I still wonder if what you do means anything more than just the obvious act of you doing it.

And no, I did not send my draft emails to you. I did not want to ruin what we’re having now. It would have been awkward now or when you called your family while we’re there. I still consider having that honest talk with you one day, in person. But I won’t plan it. It will happen whenever it will happen. The right time and moment will present itself eventually. I’ll trust my gut feeling to see when that will be. For now, let’s leave everything the way it is now. Let’s not change a thing.

Not Sure What To Do (Advice Welcome)

I am sitting here in our cozy little cottage that we rented for our vacation in Sweden. The view onto the lake and the forest in the background is simply amazing. It is a wonderful place here. We could not have chosen a better destination.

Yet, I cannot fully enjoy it. I had thought and hoped that I would be able to forget about you while I am here with H. But I miss you so badly. I wake up feeling sad. And the odd thing is that I feel as if you might be missing me as well and that makes me even sadder. To think that you might be suffering. It is really a strange feeling. It feels so real, but I do not know if that is really the case. Do you indeed miss me? Do you feel jealous that H is here alone with me, instead of you? Or do you not care at all?

H left to go fishing, so that’s why I am here now. Before that, I drafted another email to you. Asking if we could have a talk one-on-one next time we meet. I also briefly explained what it would be about and that I believe it’d be better to discuss this in person and not by email or on the phone. Now the question is: should I send it?

I fear that, if I am wrong, I could alienate you again. Maybe you just warmed up to me in a friendly or brotherly way and by confessing to you again, that I feel more for you, you might want to put some distance between us again and I might lose this very good relationship or friendship we’re having now. Then again, you could turn out to be very understanding and nothing might change at all. I just don’t know what to do here.

I feel I should take the risk in order to get peace of mind. After all, I am sure that I will have that talk with you, sooner or later. Should I announce it to you now already? Will it make things awkward between us until then? But maybe you would like a “heads-up”?

I’ll keep the draft email for now, sleep over it. I think I did the same with the last draft. I didn’t send that one, but I also didn’t copy it for me to send it when on vacation, so it’s of no use anymore anyway.

Maybe I can ask whoever might read this for input…I usually don’t address anyone here, but I am open to any advice or thoughts on the issue. Should I send out that email asking if he would be willing to talk to me personally about the whole matter? Or should I just talk to him whenever the opportunity presents itself? Or should I not talk to him at all? Or should I do something completely different?

Saved As Draft

I just finished typing up that email to you. I did not push “send”. I stored it away as a draft email. Will I send it?

Can I handle the truth, whatever it may be? Do I want to risk what we are having now, whatever it may be?

Or would it be better to wait so that I could tell you everything in person, face to face? Would I be able to handle the truth then, deal with the risk?

I’ll sleep over it…