Plot Twist

So guess what – I’m pregnant! I did a home pregnancy test yesterday night and it was positive. Wow! I cannot yet believe it. It feels so unreal. And I am also hesitant to really be happy as we had already lost an unborn child last year. The pain and utter devastation we felt will always stay in my memory. H and I have been trying to have a baby for a little over 3 years by now. The first pregnancy kept us waiting for 19 months. I have had thyroid problems that went unnoticed or weren’t taken seriously enough by my doctors, but they were the main reason why it just didn’t happen. As soon as I started the proper treatment, I got pregnant. However, we lost that baby in the first trimester. We were told in April of last year. We were so heartbroken.

It took us until now to get pregnant again. I’ve had more thyroid problems; it seemed as if one month it was Hashimoto disease and the next Grave’s disease, it jumped from one extreme to the other. I was actually considering to have my thyroid removed altogether in order to stabilize the hormones. Not an uncommon procedure in that case. Anyway, it seems that we got really lucky now and we managed to time it well enough, right when the hormones were in check. I will still have to get confirmation from my doc, but the home pregnancy tests are pretty reliable and I do have some symptoms already. I am sure I am pregnant. Now we’re hoping and praying that we will have a healthy baby next Spring.

But what will it do to my feelings for you, my plans to have that talk with you? Well, I still want to talk with you. After all, we kind of have an “appointment” together in September. And I will tell you everything I said I would tell you. But actually, my priorities have shifted. What matters most now is the baby. And whatever feelings I have for you have already stepped into the background. They are not important right now and I don’t have to think about you. I go about my daily routine, only to stop once in a while to smile and be happy about the new life growing inside of me. There is no greater feeling than this. I want to start this little family with H. That is the most important wish in my life right now.

I now actually wonder if you were just some kind of substitute for this unfulfilled dream so far, a trick played by my heart to forget about the pain, to keep itself occupied…

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