Just 4 More Days

So soon. Things are getting real. I’m excited, nervous, but strangely enough, I also feel calm. Is that possible?

You’re off this week already, so we again played that game together this afternoon. It’s becoming so casual lately. We talked about Friday, at what time you might be getting here. You’ll decide depending on the weather. If it’s good, you’ll do some bicycling and take the later train, arriving here at around 1pm. If it’s bad, you’ll skip the bicyling and be here at around 11am already. (Let it rain!!!)

Anyway, what I really like about playing that game: you always start it, you keep inviting me, offering to play together. You take the initiative. Yes, you might just be bored playing by yourself, but still…I simply like it. I’m trying not to interpret too much into it, but what the heck. Let me enjoy my foolishness for a little while longer. Until Friday I guess, when I’ll know the truth.

Nervous

8 days left. Only. It seemed like forever a few weeks ago and now it’s just around the corner basically. Yes, I said before that I would not be nervous to see you next Friday and openly talk to you about everything. But that was then, now it’s different. I’m actually nervous as hell… It’s so soon suddenly. And there’s so much at stake really, in every scenario I can think of (who knows what could happen in those that I cannot think of…). Let’s see:

1. You do not love me back: this is the most likely scenario. You only like me as a friend or a sister. Which is a good thing, yes, of course. I’d love to build upon that, deepen our friendship without silly emotions in the way. However, I am scared that I might not be able to handle this as well as I imagine it now. Truth be told, I actually hope that you love me back. My heart longs for you. It wants to be loved back by you. So even though I’d truly appreciate your friendship, I’m afraid that I might want more still and wouldn’t be able to accept anything less than your love.

2. You do love me back, but won’t act upon it: second most likely scenario. All those nice things you did for me in the past would be so out of context if there wasn’t more to them than you just being nice. So in this scenario I fear that I won’t be able to deal with being in love with a guy who loves me back but we cannot be together. It’s not just about my own pain, but I don’t want to see or know you suffer as well. How would we go along our lives, every time we see each other during family events acting as if there’s nothing when all we really want is to be close to each other, hug, kiss, make love, share our life experiences?

3. You do love me back and we go along with it: least likely scenario, but not altogether impossible. We are a lot alike, at least from what I can tell. So why wouldn’t you feel the same need to actually go all the way? But of course, the problem here is that I am married to your brother. And I am so afraid to destroy everything, really everything: my marriage, your brotherhood, my good relations to your mother and family, your family bonds with them, and so much more. Totally devastating.

All this makes me nervous. I’m anxious to hear what you have to say to all this. Maybe it will turn out to be very simple, easy to solve and we’ll both be happy after. Oh, I can’t wait any longer, at the same time I don’t want this here to end, the hope, the feeling of potential. Right now, I can imagine countless ideal outcomes. Paradise at the end of the road. Will I find paradise in your arms next Friday?

Countdown

9 days until I’ll see you again.

It’s going to be one of those weekend get-togethers. I am actually not that excited right now. Feels like just another appointment in my calendar. But I know that the day before, at the latest, the butterflies will wake up, the excitement won’t let me sleep that night. And during the car trip, I will cheerfully hum along all those happy-go-lucky songs playing on the radio.

The best part is always the first evening together. When all the time together is still ahead, but you’re already near. The potential. The possibilities. The excitement of what might come. I’ll take anything – a short smile, a story about work, an accidental touch.

I also know that time will pass too quickly. Just a blink of an eye and it’ll be Sunday afternoon again. Time to part ways. And then I will feel sad, I will miss you and I will ask myself again why and how. The usual stuff. A few days later, I will feel just like today again. Not really caring, nonchalant even. In the back of my mind, I’ll be glad you’re in my life, as a friend, as a love interest, as a brother-in-law, as you the way you are. Until the day when another countdown will get close to 0…