Can We Be Friends?

This new you really has messed me up. I don’t know what to do, how to stop the pain, the tears, the heartache, the longing and the yearning…

It has been such a roller coaster ride again. After the WhatsApp text I had sent you, I felt okay at first, but quickly went back to my usual love-hungry foolishness. I sent you a long email explaining what I felt, why I might feel this way (just guessing, but maybe this crush is just there to substitute negative emotions left over from recent losses, miscarriages… I really have no clue why I keep falling for other men, so intensely even).

And then there was silence on your end: no reply, no text message, no online gaming together, you didn’t even show up online, appeared to be offline… There was a long weekend coming up; growing impatient, I finally asked if you had received the email? Yes, you answered and you would try to write something on the weekend. Weekend was over – still nothing. I felt angry, sad, disappointed. Did I go too far? I didn’t ask you out, I didn’t ask for sex or an affair or any type of relationship. I had just explained what happened and why I thought it did. I told you I do not want to leave H, that I am very happy with H and the only thing missing in our relationship were our own children. Why was there no answer from you? I didn’t want to annoy you, but I needed to know what was going on. Could we stay friends, gaming buddies? Could we get back to where we were before? After all, I really enjoy your company online. I would value you as a friend.

You apologized for not replying sooner and you finally told me more about what was on your mind. You told me about your issue coming to terms with all this, the situation, if I could or would really consider doing something like leaving or betraying H, your only real life buddy? You told me about being a psychological wreck after your first and only girlfriend betrayed you, not with another man, but with a woman. How you hated infidelity. How you had no clue why H hadn’t yet happily announced that he’s going to be a father soon. How your older sister experienced the loss of an unborn child as well. How you cannot deal with emotions. How you seem to be a black hole for negative emotions and there seems to be no room for other emotions. And yes, you kept your distance as you didn’t know what else to do. You thought of the worst case scenario – me leaving H for you and how all I would get from you then in return was pure hatred for cheating on H for no reason at all. You don’t want to hurt H. You do want to stay or become friends with me, but as long as I feel what I feel it wouldn’t work.

Reading your message made me cry. I felt so sorry for what you had experienced. I had no clue you were an emotional mess as well. A different emotional mess, but still in pain. I could almost feel your pain. I wanted to relieve you from it. Reach out to you. Be there for you.

At the same time I felt relieved to know that you stayed away because you wanted to stay friends. That it mattered to you. I had feared to have pushed you away, that you might have even hated me already.

I texted and emailed you again. I had to make it clear to you that it was never my intention to leave H or to even cheat on him. I had never really the intention to start something with you. Your friendship means so much more to me than an affair or one-night-stand ever could. I meant it. I mean it. I had hoped you would believe me. I would have accepted the fact that you needed more time to deal with it, to believe me. But right away you said you had no doubts about me being honest. And we could be friends. And you wouldn’t even mind hanging out with me alone “just as friends”.

So I was happy, I was relieved, elated even! The highs… just to be followed by the lows again. And again. And again… It never stops. My mind is a fucking mess. I do value your friendship. I don’t want to lose this. I appreciate all the little things you told me about yourself, your dark sides, your emotional baggage. I know it takes a lot to open up like this. I value your openness and honesty. I know we can be real friends like this. Share our pains. Be there for each other.

But at the same time, my heart is still crying and aching for more… I just cannot help it. Everything I said and told you about not wanting to leave or cheat on H is true. It is not a lie. Please believe me. I love him dearly. I’ve been through so much shit in my past relationships, H is an angel in comparison. The man of my dreams. I do not want to lose him. So it hurts me even more to feel the way I feel. I want to be close to you. I want to feel you. I want to touch you and kiss you. I fantasize about making love with you. I wish it could just be a silly crush or innocent fantasy. But it is such a strong longing. I don’t know what to do about it. How to stop it. Whatever I get from you (and honestly, it is a LOT!), will never be enough. I question everything you do. Try to figure out if what you do is a reaction to something I did. Are you avoiding me again? If so, because you feel I like you more than I told you? Or is it because you might have stronger feelings as well and are trying to get rid off them because of H?

It doesn’t matter that you were all well-mannered to me last week when we went to the movies again as a group, even holding the door open for me. Looking at me, smiling at me (and maybe secretly checking me out?). I was a good girl that day. Even though I was sitting right next to you again, I kept my hands to myself, I didn’t go for a touch (even though I so much wanted to…). Yes, I showed some cleavage, but hey, it was (also) for H. It also doesn’t matter that you kept texting me while your vacation flight was being delayed and finally postponed to the next day and that you even texted me when you finally arrived. I hadn’t expected to hear from you the entire vacation, but you kept texting me once in a while. Told me how you would rather be home instead. It doesn’t matter that you sound so happy and cheerful when we are playing together online, that you were laughing so hard about my silly joke. That you keep making jokes that only I seem to find funny.

There are so many amazing moments we have shared together so far. Moments that show that I matter to you at least a bit, at least as a friend, a good friend even. All these moments don’t seem to matter because as soon as I see you “hiding” online or as soon as you take too long to reply to a text message, my mind keeps wondering why… What did I do wrong? Did I say something? Did I push too far again? Am I being too greedy and showing it? Do you know?

There could be so many valid reasons for your actions, but I feel like I would be making excuses again for you. I am getting mixed signals I feel. Or maybe I am just hoping they are mixed? I guess what I really want is for you to feel something for me as well, but because you got hurt in the past, you don’t want H – your only real life buddy as you say – to get hurt as well.

I have become a complete mess again. Every day I just keep waiting for you, for a message, a sign, something. I can’t do anything else. I can’t concentrate at work. I don’t enjoy what I usually enjoy doing. My mind is constantly with you. I felt horrible last Friday. I was crying a lot. I texted you, asked you to meet up for coffee or something to just talk. I told you I felt like shit, which is true. I just didn’t tell you why exactly. But I figured you could help me since you sometimes seem to feel this way as well. And you agreed. If I thought you could help me, you’d try. So we have a date this upcoming Saturday. Today I texted you the location I chose… that’s again about 3 hours ago. No reply yet, even though WhatsApp shows that you had read the message (oh…the joys of modern technology). And again, my mind keeps spinning. Why is it taking you so long to answer? Second thoughts? Just no time yet to check if the location is good, if you could get there by public transportation without problems? Are you just genuinely busy? Or just absent-minded? Lost in thought?

See what is happening? I can’t even appreciate you taking the time for me to help me, trying to be supportive, be a good friend. Just what I had asked for. No, my stupid mind and heart conspire against me. Make me go insane. I keep checking my phone. With each time I light up the display and see nothing new, my frustration keeps growing. My doubts win. Will you actually cancel our date? Find an excuse?

Ohhh… I want this to end. I really just want to be friends with you. But would that ever work? Can I quiet my mind and heart one day? Or will they always ask and beg for more?

Can we ever be just friends?


You Just Called…

… and told me that you’d be taking the later train.

I had hoped you’d be here earlier. It’s raining after all and you said you would take the earlier train if the weather did not permit you to go bicycling. But I won’t blame you for this. I’m just a little disappointed. I hope it didn’t show on the phone…

Okay, so now I got 4 hours to kill. I just finished taking a hot bath, getting ready for you (I washed my hair; I shaved; I even put a freaking cleansing mask on my face, which is something I never ever do…). I do want to look good for you today, even though I am certain that we’ll just talk and nothing else. And I am certain that my feelings for you will not be the same as yours for me. But just in case…

Waiting – Always And Forever

I feel so much pain right now. Loving you is torture. I can’t take it. Where is this supposed to go? Will it ever stop? How do I get out of it again?

It had been 6 weeks of waiting to see you again last Friday. And the waiting seemed to be neverending that day. I was supposed to pick up H from work at 3pm and we were scheduled to arrive at your parents’ place around 5:30/6pm. I didn’t know if you’d be there already, but you’d have got there by 8pm the latest probably. I was counting down the hours. Then there was a huge detour on the way to H and it took me 30 minutes longer to get there. Already I was furious! If you were going to arrive before us, I’d already miss half an hour of you. I know it’s not that much, considering we’d stay there until Sunday, but every minute counts!

Finally, H and I were on the highway and we got into a traffic jam. More time lost…more waiting. Impatience growing. The closer we got to our destination the worse the weather got. Thunderstorms, heavy rains. It rained so hard, I could barely see while driving, so I had to go slowly. More time lost…more waiting. It felt as if it took ages to get there. We finally arrived at 7pm. You weren’t there yet, as expected you would come at around 8pm. But then the phone rang – it was you letting us know that lightning struck and your train had to return and take a different route. You wouldn’t get there before maybe 9 or even 10pm. WTF?! How long was I supposed to wait? I couldn’t believe it. Shortly before 10, you called again. You’d be at the subway station at 10:14pm. Your stepfather was supposed to pick you up and you’d finally be here at 10:30pm. Well…that’s when you called again. The doors of the subway train didn’t open and you missed the stop, were at a different station, had to take another subway train back. ETA 10:45pm. So you’d be here at 11pm…. Seriously? What was going on? Fate is a real bitch, I guess.

I was already really tired. Friday was completely lost to me. I could barely spend any time with you. H and I stayed up and talked to you a bit while you had that late dinner. Then we went to sleep. I couldn’t really enjoy it, soak you in. I was so furious and frustrated about all that lost time. And then while watching you eat, checking the way you act, I kept thinking you’ve changed…could you have a girlfriend? Why did I become jealous? Was there a reason? Did I expect you to act differently, more desperate to see me again? As impatient as me?

The next day we all got up early to go to the river, onto a scenic raft trip. It was fun. I even spent some time with you alone up the rooftop of the raft, using your sun tan lotion, talking to you a bit. We went swimming and for quite some time I was sitting opposite of you with my bathing suit on. I know it shows a lot of cleavage and you were wearing sunglasses. So I wonder if you took the chance to look… Anyway, the trip took 8 hours, but time just flew, went by way too quickly. I tried to be near you, read you, see if you tried to connect again. I wanted so much, I was so greedy…too greedy. I forgot most things again…like your naked body, or actually your half-naked body. When you got dressed to go swimming, while swimming. I wanted to see your chest, I did…but I can’t recall it now. Oh, you can’t imagine how much I longed for you. I wanted to be carried through the water on your arms, feel your body next to mine. I want to be in your arms, so badly. I’m losing my mind.

Here, you sitting on the rooftop of the raft…in your thin white shirt, probably so soft. Can I sit on your lap, put my arms around you, kiss your neck? I love this picture of you!



The next day: more waiting. We were all so tired from the long raft trip in the bright sun all day, we went to sleep at 10pm on Saturday. I figured we’d get up rather early on Sunday. Well, I did. At around 8. Had breakfast with your stepfather (your mother was ill). We waited a bit for you and H to join us, but it took you so long. It felt like ages. I wondered what you were doing. Were you really sleeping? If you felt at least a bit like me, why wouldn’t you get up? Use the time we have. Carpe diem. But no…you finally got up at 10am. Took a shower first before joining us on the veranda. Funny thing is, I was hoping that, instead of sleeping, you used the time in bed for other things, more intimate…hoping you were thinking of me while doing them.

I got really sad the closer we got to the time when we had to part ways again. We all had ice cream after lunch. You were sitting on the couch, I took a chair opposite of you. And I took my chance and tried to look straight at you as often as I could. I wanted you to see me doing it. And our eyes met a few times. We looked at each other for pretty long each time, but I couldn’t read you. Straight faces.

When H and I left, we said goodbye, but instead of getting up from your seat, you stayed there, so no hug this time. I didn’t dare to ask you to get up, I was thinking of telling you in a funny, joking kind of way. But I didn’t in the end. So I left you by just telling you goodbye. I couldn’t touch you. I was so sad. Disappointed. Angry at myself that I didn’t just ask you. I wanted to cry on the way home, but I obviously couldn’t. I was driving again and more importantly, H would have noticed.

I miss you so much right now. I can’t take it. I want you so badly. I feel so terribly sad. I will have to wait again. I’m constantly waiting for you. There’s nothing else that I can do. My life centers around you. It’s really hard to get out of this mess. I’ll probably have to wait forever. There’s just no way of us ever being together, I know it. I’m sure of it, but I cannot accept it. It hurts so much.

This song here…I feel her pain, even though I don’t do drugs or get drunk, but I really need to numb the pain. Don’t know how.

Spend my days locked in a haze, trying to forget you babe, I fall back down…

So Unusual

Just 7 or 8 hours left…I hate waiting. You’ll be here today. What am I to do? How can I make this time pass any faster? I’m pacing back and forth, from my office to the kitchen. Then I am sitting down in the living room, music on, knitting needles in my hand. I also tried studying for a while. No chance of getting anything (productive or useful) done. I cannot concentrate. My mind wanders off towards you. I keep checking the time, counting it down.

So restless. And excited. And – how should I put it? – lustful, horny even. Yes, there. I said it. I’m horny. I’m longing for you, your body, your warmth, your wet kisses, all over me, you inside of me. Damn you! You’ve turned me into an animal, reduced me to the simplest desires. If you were here right now, H still at work, I am pretty sure I’d actually try to seduce you! Wild, passionate sex. Nothing more. Just pure fun. This is such an unusual behaviour for me. I don’t even recognize myself right now.

Thank God or Fate or whom/whatever, that this is not going to happen. It would be so wrong. And we would regret it. I definitely would. It wouldn’t be fun at all, not afterwards for sure. It would only be pain.

Damn hormones! What’s wrong with me today?

I’ll go back to knitting now…