Home again. Our vacation is over. And I feel strange: mostly numb, but once in a while there’s a sudden feeling of sadness and disappointment. I am restless and drained at the same time. These last 2 weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster ride. I guess you could also compare it to a really bad hangover. The high made me forget about all my problems and I felt elated, like anything and everything was possible with you. But then I reached the point where it was too much or the wrong kind of alcohol and it all went downhill from there.

Not only do I have to deal with my everyday struggles again, but also with realizing – once again – what a fool I’ve been to believe that you might have feelings for me despite what you had told me in the past.

What’s even worse is the recent turn of events that you might be getting or having a girlfriend already. The signs were pretty clear: it wasn’t just the emailing with the big puppy grin in your face on Wednesday, but also how you behaved yesterday when we arrived at your mother’s place. You were talking on your phone for probably around half an hour while trying to stay away from us so that we wouldn’t be able to overhear. This might be normal behaviour for some people, but not for you. Even H noticed that this was unusual for you to do! (I actually told him, casually, that I think you’re about to get a girlfriend and about what I had observed on Wednesday.) When even other people notice a change in your behaviour in this direction, then I’m pretty sure my guess is right.

But it happened so suddenly. It really all started to change on Wednesday after you came back from that day trip with H. Up until that point, we had great moments together: we talked; we laughed while watching silly TV shows; you showed interest in what I’d been doing on a certain day, where I’d been going, how my bicycling tour had been; you did nice things for me again; I sometimes caught you looking at me, checking me out even… However, you did nothing even remotely close to any of that on and after Wednesday. It was almost as if I didn’t even exist. You only interacted with your computer and email program.

You also suddenly changed plans. Originally, we were to leave the cottage on Friday and drive to your mother’s place (it’s roughly 5 hours by car), where we would all stay the night before we were to finally go to our respective homes after lunch on Saturday. However, on Thursday you announced you’d take the last train home on Friday night already, at about 11:30 PM, so you’d be home at 3 AM on Saturday. Why would you depart so hastily in the middle of the night? Was there someone impatiently waiting for you now? Probably…

So I wonder what happened in between Wednesday and the days before that? Were you waiting for her, for some type of sign from her and you just kinda toyed with me, seeing me as a substitute or maybe even a test dummy? On that day, did she finally tell you she’s interested or even that she loves you?

I could have been wrong again in interpreting your signals at the beginning of our vacation. It’s very likely actually. But your general and sudden change in behaviour is not deniable.

There was one positive aspect to all of this, however: it made it a little easier to anticipate and finally say goodbye. I felt sad on Wednesday, but was already numb enough on Thursday to not dread the end of our time together. I was okay with it, maybe even a tiny bit relieved.

I’ll have to sort this all out again now. Come to terms with the likely scenario of you presenting a woman at your side soon. How can I ever have a normal and appropriate relationship with you? Will I ever be able to simply see you as my brother-in-law? Would I ever be able to like or at least accept “your” woman?

Why is this so complicated? After all, I am happy with H. This is not a lie. I don’t understand why I keep falling for you again and again. I will have to think about all of this once more, but not now. Not during this hangover.


Surprising Discovery

Shortly before 7 AM today, you and H left to go on that day trip together with your stepdad. You won’t be back before 9 PM, so now I have this vacation house to myself. Good opportunity to sneak into your bedroom. I just want to get a feel for you, how you’ve been living the last days. Am I a creepy stalker? Maybe. Maybe not. It gives me a chance to be a little bit closer to you, perhaps even to find out a little bit more about you. More private things. Looking for clues also.

In your room, right next to the door, there’s a chest of drawers. That’s where I looked first. You had a small pouch for cosmetic items on it, made out of see-through plastic. It was so thin, not much in it. I carefully picked it up and wanted to see if there was something in it that would emit your scent. (As you may know, I really like the way you smell.) But what I found in there really surprised me: condoms! (2 of them actually, one even XXL size)

So that raises a few questions for me, mainly of course, why did you bring this here with you? You obviously never went out while here to meet women. You spent most of your time either with us, or bicycling, or going swimming in the morning. Sure, you could have met women while supposedly being on a tour, but then again, you always showed us your tracked routes and there just wasn’t any time to do other things (unless of course, you’re into quickies in the bushes or things like that…) So really, the only women around you here on this vacation are your mother and me, and I’m sure we don’t even have to take your mother into consideration in this matter.

The only other possible option would be that it’s part of your standard travelling equipment. You’ve travelled to different places recently on your own or with business colleagues (males, as far as I know), so it’s likely you’ve taken the condoms with you on those trips and you simply forgot to take them out for this one now.

Yet, I still wonder why you left them there, so easy to find. Okay, you probably wouldn’t expect anyone to walk into your room and check your stuff. You’d assume people respect your privacy. I didn’t mean to intrude. I’ve been careful. Other than looking at that pouch, I only carefully sat down on your bed and glanced over your scattered clothes on the second bed in that room. I don’t want to leave a trace, don’t want you to find out that I was there. However, might there be a small chance that you actually expected or even hoped that I would do just that today, given the opportunity? Did you want me to find it? If so, was it to show me that you have sex with other women? Or to show me that you would be prepared to have sex with me?

Or does it mean nothing at all again? Did you just forget to unpack them for this trip and then you simply put them there without even realizing it? That’s probably the most likely scenario, even though it’s not my most preferred one…

Complete Relapse

Here we are again. Back at square one. I have completely lost my mind about you. I’m craving you. This vacation here has not been helping. It’s been making things worse. I have thoroughly enjoyed every minute near or with you. But the more time we spend together, the greedier I get and the more I want you. I want to spend even more time with you. I don’t want this to end. We will part ways on Saturday. I don’t know what I will do then.

Again there are these thoughts that you might actually be into me, want me as much as I want you, but that you will not confess in order to not destroy your relationship with your brother, your mother and whoever else would be collateral damage. I know that you told me otherwise. More than once already. But no matter how hard I try to convince myself that this was the truth, that there really is nothing you feel for me other than what a normal brother-in-law would feel for his sister-in-law, there is always this desperate voice in my heart telling me it’s not true. He does love you.

I don’t know how to stop this again, to make this voice shut up. Well, there is one way for sure. The same like last times: I would have to talk to you again, be open and honest with you. But this time, I don’t want this. We’re finally getting along again. I mean, you’re not avoiding me anymore; you’re not making subtle and mean comments anymore to keep me at bay; we can actually talk like normal people again. It has taken us more than 2 years. I don’t want to ruin this again by bothering you with this crap once more. So this time, I will have to find a way to deal with this by myself. Without your help or your input. I have absolutely no clue how.

Right now, I still have a few days left with you here. I will enjoy every minute still. Tomorrow, you’re actually going on a day trip to another island. So I won’t see you for the day. H is coming with you. I will be home alone. But that will give me time to think about things and probably come back here and get more off my chest. That’s hopefully one way to deal with this issue now by myself.

(Gosh, you’re hot. You just came back from a bicycling trip, earlier than expected. Seeing you in that outfit…I just wish to take it off you. You just mentioned that you’d come with us to the beach later on. Now I’m nervous. Will we be going swimming together? Will I be able to see more of your hot body?)

On Vacation Together

Yes, we are on vacation together – you, H and I. It’s been planned for over a year, it was your mother’s idea. They rented the apartment next to our cottage here at the coast of the Baltic Sea. We’re sharing a home now, at least for 12 days.

At first I wasn’t too fond of the idea, still couldn’t deal with how you reacted to my last confession. And I wanted to avoid you as much as possible.

Recently things have changed again, however. It’s still mainly only a physical attraction, but it drives me crazy. Both in a good and a bad way. It was bad when we met 3 weeks ago for that big birthday party of your stepdad. I was so obsessed with getting your attention and showing off my female benefits while at the same time realizing that it’d be still absolutely pointless and destructive and unhealthy and wrong and (…fill in any other negative attribute…) that I got sad and more depressed than I already usually am due to my mental illness.

And now look at me: sharing this vacation time and place with you does all kinds of emotional things to me. I feel happy, lustful, disappointed and sad, all within hours mostly. But you know what? I don’t care. Not yet, at least.

I want to test the boundaries, test your reactions. As I am sure there is nothing to lose or gain from it as you’re definitely not interested, at least let me play around a little with you. I want to subtly flirt, ignite some sexual sparks. I want to be in your head next time you pleasure yourself, even if you don’t want it. I just want to have that little bit of power over you.

Or at least the illusion that I could have that type of power over you…

Let me have some fun.

Not Sure What To Do (Advice Welcome)

I am sitting here in our cozy little cottage that we rented for our vacation in Sweden. The view onto the lake and the forest in the background is simply amazing. It is a wonderful place here. We could not have chosen a better destination.

Yet, I cannot fully enjoy it. I had thought and hoped that I would be able to forget about you while I am here with H. But I miss you so badly. I wake up feeling sad. And the odd thing is that I feel as if you might be missing me as well and that makes me even sadder. To think that you might be suffering. It is really a strange feeling. It feels so real, but I do not know if that is really the case. Do you indeed miss me? Do you feel jealous that H is here alone with me, instead of you? Or do you not care at all?

H left to go fishing, so that’s why I am here now. Before that, I drafted another email to you. Asking if we could have a talk one-on-one next time we meet. I also briefly explained what it would be about and that I believe it’d be better to discuss this in person and not by email or on the phone. Now the question is: should I send it?

I fear that, if I am wrong, I could alienate you again. Maybe you just warmed up to me in a friendly or brotherly way and by confessing to you again, that I feel more for you, you might want to put some distance between us again and I might lose this very good relationship or friendship we’re having now. Then again, you could turn out to be very understanding and nothing might change at all. I just don’t know what to do here.

I feel I should take the risk in order to get peace of mind. After all, I am sure that I will have that talk with you, sooner or later. Should I announce it to you now already? Will it make things awkward between us until then? But maybe you would like a “heads-up”?

I’ll keep the draft email for now, sleep over it. I think I did the same with the last draft. I didn’t send that one, but I also didn’t copy it for me to send it when on vacation, so it’s of no use anymore anyway.

Maybe I can ask whoever might read this for input…I usually don’t address anyone here, but I am open to any advice or thoughts on the issue. Should I send out that email asking if he would be willing to talk to me personally about the whole matter? Or should I just talk to him whenever the opportunity presents itself? Or should I not talk to him at all? Or should I do something completely different?

Pure Excitement!

What a wonderful feeling! Right now I feel so amazing, so joyful, so excited, so happy,… so much in love. Must be the weather; it’s so nice outside. Or I’m just hormonal, who knows?

Why am I so excited? H and I are going on vacation soon. I’m in dire need of a vacation. It’s been so long. It has not really been stressful lately, but it’s time to see a different part of the world again.

But before going on vacation, I’ll see you again. Not just once, but twice! So good! It makes my heart skip a beat, no, do somersaults in my chest. I almost feel like a little child all pumped up and hyper on too much sugar.

So you’ll come here in a week, next Wednesday evening. You’ll stay at our place again and you’ll surely fill our guest room/my office with your lingering scent once more. On Thursday you’ll go hiking with H and some other buddies. And in the evening we will all go to a friend’s house for some good ol’ BBQ time. On Friday, you’ll probably leave again, but only after we’ll have shared some memorable small moments together.

And only a short week after that, we’ll probably come by your place to pick you up on our way to another friend who moved further away. He invited our group of friends for the long weekend. It’s going to be all fun and games, 3 or 4 days. Oh how wonderful! And that’s about the only occasion I ever get to be in your apartment, see how you live, what you’re up to every day, get a tiny glimpse of how life together with you would be like.

Oh and yes, this upcoming Sunday, we’ll probably play that online game together with H again, while talking to each other via TeamSpeak. It has already become a bit of a tradition on Sundays lately. I’m looking forward to that as well. I get to do something with you, become part of your life, your day, your fun. And I just love hearing your voice, laughing about your jokes…aaahhh, I’m melting right now just thinking of you…(really must be the hormones…)