Can We Be Friends?

This new you really has messed me up. I don’t know what to do, how to stop the pain, the tears, the heartache, the longing and the yearning…

It has been such a roller coaster ride again. After the WhatsApp text I had sent you, I felt okay at first, but quickly went back to my usual love-hungry foolishness. I sent you a long email explaining what I felt, why I might feel this way (just guessing, but maybe this crush is just there to substitute negative emotions left over from recent losses, miscarriages… I really have no clue why I keep falling for other men, so intensely even).

And then there was silence on your end: no reply, no text message, no online gaming together, you didn’t even show up online, appeared to be offline… There was a long weekend coming up; growing impatient, I finally asked if you had received the email? Yes, you answered and you would try to write something on the weekend. Weekend was over – still nothing. I felt angry, sad, disappointed. Did I go too far? I didn’t ask you out, I didn’t ask for sex or an affair or any type of relationship. I had just explained what happened and why I thought it did. I told you I do not want to leave H, that I am very happy with H and the only thing missing in our relationship were our own children. Why was there no answer from you? I didn’t want to annoy you, but I needed to know what was going on. Could we stay friends, gaming buddies? Could we get back to where we were before? After all, I really enjoy your company online. I would value you as a friend.

You apologized for not replying sooner and you finally told me more about what was on your mind. You told me about your issue coming to terms with all this, the situation, if I could or would really consider doing something like leaving or betraying H, your only real life buddy? You told me about being a psychological wreck after your first and only girlfriend betrayed you, not with another man, but with a woman. How you hated infidelity. How you had no clue why H hadn’t yet happily announced that he’s going to be a father soon. How your older sister experienced the loss of an unborn child as well. How you cannot deal with emotions. How you seem to be a black hole for negative emotions and there seems to be no room for other emotions. And yes, you kept your distance as you didn’t know what else to do. You thought of the worst case scenario – me leaving H for you and how all I would get from you then in return was pure hatred for cheating on H for no reason at all. You don’t want to hurt H. You do want to stay or become friends with me, but as long as I feel what I feel it wouldn’t work.

Reading your message made me cry. I felt so sorry for what you had experienced. I had no clue you were an emotional mess as well. A different emotional mess, but still in pain. I could almost feel your pain. I wanted to relieve you from it. Reach out to you. Be there for you.

At the same time I felt relieved to know that you stayed away because you wanted to stay friends. That it mattered to you. I had feared to have pushed you away, that you might have even hated me already.

I texted and emailed you again. I had to make it clear to you that it was never my intention to leave H or to even cheat on him. I had never really the intention to start something with you. Your friendship means so much more to me than an affair or one-night-stand ever could. I meant it. I mean it. I had hoped you would believe me. I would have accepted the fact that you needed more time to deal with it, to believe me. But right away you said you had no doubts about me being honest. And we could be friends. And you wouldn’t even mind hanging out with me alone “just as friends”.

So I was happy, I was relieved, elated even! The highs… just to be followed by the lows again. And again. And again… It never stops. My mind is a fucking mess. I do value your friendship. I don’t want to lose this. I appreciate all the little things you told me about yourself, your dark sides, your emotional baggage. I know it takes a lot to open up like this. I value your openness and honesty. I know we can be real friends like this. Share our pains. Be there for each other.

But at the same time, my heart is still crying and aching for more… I just cannot help it. Everything I said and told you about not wanting to leave or cheat on H is true. It is not a lie. Please believe me. I love him dearly. I’ve been through so much shit in my past relationships, H is an angel in comparison. The man of my dreams. I do not want to lose him. So it hurts me even more to feel the way I feel. I want to be close to you. I want to feel you. I want to touch you and kiss you. I fantasize about making love with you. I wish it could just be a silly crush or innocent fantasy. But it is such a strong longing. I don’t know what to do about it. How to stop it. Whatever I get from you (and honestly, it is a LOT!), will never be enough. I question everything you do. Try to figure out if what you do is a reaction to something I did. Are you avoiding me again? If so, because you feel I like you more than I told you? Or is it because you might have stronger feelings as well and are trying to get rid off them because of H?

It doesn’t matter that you were all well-mannered to me last week when we went to the movies again as a group, even holding the door open for me. Looking at me, smiling at me (and maybe secretly checking me out?). I was a good girl that day. Even though I was sitting right next to you again, I kept my hands to myself, I didn’t go for a touch (even though I so much wanted to…). Yes, I showed some cleavage, but hey, it was (also) for H. It also doesn’t matter that you kept texting me while your vacation flight was being delayed and finally postponed to the next day and that you even texted me when you finally arrived. I hadn’t expected to hear from you the entire vacation, but you kept texting me once in a while. Told me how you would rather be home instead. It doesn’t matter that you sound so happy and cheerful when we are playing together online, that you were laughing so hard about my silly joke. That you keep making jokes that only I seem to find funny.

There are so many amazing moments we have shared together so far. Moments that show that I matter to you at least a bit, at least as a friend, a good friend even. All these moments don’t seem to matter because as soon as I see you “hiding” online or as soon as you take too long to reply to a text message, my mind keeps wondering why… What did I do wrong? Did I say something? Did I push too far again? Am I being too greedy and showing it? Do you know?

There could be so many valid reasons for your actions, but I feel like I would be making excuses again for you. I am getting mixed signals I feel. Or maybe I am just hoping they are mixed? I guess what I really want is for you to feel something for me as well, but because you got hurt in the past, you don’t want H – your only real life buddy as you say – to get hurt as well.

I have become a complete mess again. Every day I just keep waiting for you, for a message, a sign, something. I can’t do anything else. I can’t concentrate at work. I don’t enjoy what I usually enjoy doing. My mind is constantly with you. I felt horrible last Friday. I was crying a lot. I texted you, asked you to meet up for coffee or something to just talk. I told you I felt like shit, which is true. I just didn’t tell you why exactly. But I figured you could help me since you sometimes seem to feel this way as well. And you agreed. If I thought you could help me, you’d try. So we have a date this upcoming Saturday. Today I texted you the location I chose… that’s again about 3 hours ago. No reply yet, even though WhatsApp shows that you had read the message (oh…the joys of modern technology). And again, my mind keeps spinning. Why is it taking you so long to answer? Second thoughts? Just no time yet to check if the location is good, if you could get there by public transportation without problems? Are you just genuinely busy? Or just absent-minded? Lost in thought?

See what is happening? I can’t even appreciate you taking the time for me to help me, trying to be supportive, be a good friend. Just what I had asked for. No, my stupid mind and heart conspire against me. Make me go insane. I keep checking my phone. With each time I light up the display and see nothing new, my frustration keeps growing. My doubts win. Will you actually cancel our date? Find an excuse?

Ohhh… I want this to end. I really just want to be friends with you. But would that ever work? Can I quiet my mind and heart one day? Or will they always ask and beg for more?

Can we ever be just friends?

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Not Again Please

I don’t even know where to start. My last entry here is more than 2 years old. It’s been more than 2 years free from your spell. More than 2 years in which I didn’t care about you. I even wished at times that I wouldn’t see you, that you wouldn’t come visit us or wouldn’t stay as long as you’d planned. I still hadn’t warmed up to you again after you so rudely dismissed me that day back in September 2014.

Just last month, H had planned his birthday party for the long weekend where you’d be in town anyway for the guys’ hiking trip like every year. So you were supposed to stay here from Wednesday evening until Sunday morning. I didn’t look forward to that. I didn’t want you to be around for so long. Then H got sick that Friday and had to cancel his party. He suggested for you to leave and go back home so that you wouldn’t catch whatever virus he had. So that was it. You left early and I was relieved. H rescheduled the party for the weekend after. You couldn’t come then, had other plans already. And again, I was relieved. I couldn’t care less actually. Just a side note.

But then there was this weekend get-together with your family 3 days ago. I don’t know what happened. Suddenly, out of nowhere, literally, it hit me. There it was. Again. The desire. The wish to get your attention.

I noticed how good you were looking in that black shirt. I noticed your skin showing as you were sitting on the couch, your notebook on your lap. I noticed your quick glance at my breasts at the dinner table. I noticed you smile at me a few times. Hesitant, but it was there. You made a joke, trying to lock me out on the veranda. I managed to avoid that. It kinda was like that Christmas when I first had feelings for you. A very long time ago, it seemed. Almost forgotten. I was so sure that I was over you for good.

When I noticed the first signs of confusion again, I immediately tried to dismiss them. Get them out of my head. Don’t even go there, I told myself. Let’s not start this again.

Back home again, Monday morning, home alone, thoughts were running through my head. And worse, I felt it in my groin. Purely sexual. I could not get you out of my head like this. It got worse on Tuesday. The longing got stronger. The same feelings from past, long gone desires for you. And today is Wednesday and it seems to get worse every day.

Why? How did this happen again? For f***’s sake, I don’t need this shit right now! What’s wrong with me? I’m craving you again. I know that I don’t love you. I would even go as far as to say that I don’t like you still. There was just too much hurt you put me through that I won’t be able to forgive you. Yet, my body wants you I guess. My hormones are out of balance. They’re going crazy. I don’t know why. Like I said, I don’t need this drama right now. I’ve got enough issues to deal with right now. But maybe they are partly to blame for this mess now. I’m currently in therapy for depression. H and I had another miscarriage in 2015 and we found out that I have a genetic disorder that drastically reduces the chance for us to have a healthy child. I’m trying to deal with all this. That’s more than enough on my plate right now. I don’t want to go back to this mess with you. I’ve had enough. Please don’t start this again. Get the f*** out of my mind!

 

Business As Usual

I’ve been absent from here for quite some time now. And that’s also due to your absence from my mind recently. Well, you’re not completely absent, however. Once in a while I think of you. Unfortunately, my thoughts are never neutral.

Most of the time, I actually have bad thoughts. Mean ones. I’m still angry, I guess. I curse you. Last time with your parents, we looked at some photos and a video they took when they visited you. On that video, you looked rather uncomfortable being filmed. And I found comfort in your discomfort. Serves you right, I thought. When we talk about that online game, I always feel delighted to hear when you had a bad day with lots of losses. I don’t know why these things make me feel better. But they do, I must admit.

Then occasionally, I have good thoughts about you. Well, not really good in a sense that I feel all dazed and crazy in love. Those times are over. But I think my mind is still trying to trick me into thinking that you still haven’t told me the truth about the way you feel towards me. Crazy, isn’t it? I got your confirmation twice now and my stupid mind (or maybe it’s my stupid heart) still intends to prove you wrong, that you keep on lying about your true feelings for me for moral reasons, to protect your brother, to protect the ones you love. How silly is that?! I know well enough that none of this is true, but these kind of thoughts keep coming back once in a while.

Your behaviour around me has returned to the state it was in before, after your initial reaction seemed to be to ignore me altogether. We’ve played that online game together again (with H); we’ve talked on the phone again, like normal people (or as if nothing ever happened). You then even asked me how I was doing! This “kindness” – or whatever it really is – caught me off guard; I didn’t even know right away what to answer. So you continue where we left off. I am not sure what to make of it.

I wonder if you will call today or send me an email. It’s my birthday. Last year, you completely forgot. And even when H gave you a hint, you still forgot. So I won’t expect anything from you this time. However, I’m curious to see what you’ll do (or not do).