Mutually Friendzoned

Almost 5 months since our first date which wasn’t a date.

5 months and 4 more dates that were not dates.

We went out for more ice cream, then for dinner, for dinner again, last we went to the bowling alley. Next weekend we will go play pool together.

We have agreed to meet up regularly, to hang out together. And yes, just as friends. (H is fine with it; he sees no issues. We had actually asked him to come along, but he doesn’t want to, so our regular “pseudo-dates” have become a thing…)

But I would like to have more. And judging from the way you act around me or even when you are not around me, I can only come to the conclusion that you have started falling in love with me as well. I checked like a trillion websites on interpreting men’s behaviour and it all boils down to the same. I have been wrong before about these kind of things in the past with the first you, but now I don’t see how I could be wrong when there are so many clear, blunt and obvious signs. It could only be more obvious if you said the words (which I know you never will).

You have this constant silly smile on your face, this puppy grin when we’re out alone together. With each “pseudo-date” you have become more attentive, more chivalrous, and physically closer. No touching but almost there.

I have also noticed that you tend to need some distance after each of those dates. It’s like you need time for yourself to sort your feelings again and then you come back to us again, a bit hungrier for it, whatever it really is.

Nothing will happen, I guess. We have made it clear. We are doing this as friends. So far no one has crossed any boundaries. No touching, like I said. We didn’t even hug when saying hello or goodbye. Well, not until yesterday at least. Had to kind of convince you it was fine to do so as friends. Wait, actually I had told you I felt weird just shaking hands and that you’d remind me of a big cuddly teddy bear that just begs to be hugged. Yes, I told you this. Couldn’t tell you face to face, even though I had wanted to do. It was after our last date at the bowling alley: we went to the train station together for you to catch your train back home. We were standing right opposite of each other, as close as never before. Your train was coming. Time to say goodbye. You were looking into my eyes. It felt intense. And sad. But I just couldn’t find the courage to ask you for a hug this time. So I texted you a day later and asked. A smiley face later you said it was fine.

Yesterday you were invited to our party here. So we were not alone, it was not one of those dates. But when you arrived here, I opened the door for you and out of habit, I offered my hand, but you went in for the hug saying “nah, that’s what you had wanted, right”. And so we hugged, we were close to each other, our bodies touching. And also when you left, I just hugged you. I wasn’t sure if we had silently agreed on just one hug or if it was solely hugs from now on, so I will just go for the latter option 🙂

I feel high on whatever we are having. I don’t want to call it love. Or an affair. It’s not just friendship either. I just know. You don’t have to say it. There are so many examples that prove all this. This time, I am not wrong. However, I am not sure if you are aware of this yourself. If you know what you are feeling. Maybe you are confused. Unsure. Or you do know and try to not fall for it. We are on a public Discord server together and we regularly chat on it with each other and other people. On the day before our party here, the topic was about emotions and you said (not to me but in general chat): “Can someone please help me throw my feelings out the window, brain tells me they are bad and I trust my brain…” You keep saying that you are kind of immune to feelings and emotions, but I don’t believe you. I saw it clearly when we were talking about your beloved puppy from your childhood and obviously you seem like a gentle, caring guy. And I believe this statement in general chat might have hinted at us or at least that you are aware of some strange feelings you cannot describe.

It must be hard for you I guess. You don’t want to hurt H, who is my husband, your friend, your coworker, your boss-to-be. You don’t want to lose our friendship. You don’t want a relationship in general, want to stay by yourself. And you made it clear that you would hate me if I ever cheated on H for no reason. I guess you settled for what we are having now. I am trying to do the same. We have mutually friendzoned each other, one could say. I don’t know if this will work. Guess we will have to find out and see.

For me it’s clear that I love both of you equally. I have tried to figure out what’s wrong with my marriage or what I am feeling for H. But there is nothing wrong. It’s all good. It’s perfect. Still, I love you just as much. And why should it not be possible? After all, I love both my parents equally. I don’t prefer one over the other or love one more than the other. But I guess no one would understand this with regards to romantic relationships and as long as neither you nor H would understand that this is possible, I will have to leave it as it is. Because I do not want to hurt either of you. I do not want to lose any of you. It’s a compromise at best. But one I will try to accept. I wouldn’t be able to choose just one of you because the other would always get hurt.

I will accept our mutual friendzone with all its ups and downs. Right now I am on a high from the party yesterday and yes, the hug. And I am looking forward to our next pseudo-date on Saturday.

I also know that there will be days when I will want more, when I won’t be able to deal with your need for distance, when I will cry like a baby, when I will miss you like crazy. But I do not regret feeling all this for you, do not regret having met you.

 

Puppy Love In Brazil

Tomorrow you’ll be here. I’m so excited that I dream the strangest things at night (and because we spent almost every afternoon this week together playing that online game together):

A quick weekend trip to Brazil with H, you and some random people I’ve met in my life. I’m sitting on a couch checking on the TV what’s the best way to get back home (by plane or by boat?).  You’re trying to find something in your backpack while trying to sit down next to me. There’s hardly any room, so I’m moving a bit over. Don’t want you to fall off. Then you’re sitting right next to me, our thighs touching (what a tiny couch!). The way we’re sitting now, you’re conveniently blocking everyone else’s view on me and they can’t see how you’re suddenly putting your hand around my waist, resting it there, caressing me gently. I’m blushing; my heart is racing. You’re looking at me coyly. And I know what this all means: You love me, too.

Scene change: Still on the couch, but lying down now, facing each other. For others, we’re distant enough, but we’re under a cover and you can again touch me without anyone noticing. I feel like in heaven. You’re looking all dreamy-eyed up the ceiling, then you’re looking at me, like a silly puppy in love.

Let’s go to Brazil tomorrow!