Heartbroken

Again, you left. All that remains of you is your lingering scent in my room. Just a bit. It will soon be faded away.

I am so sad. My heart is broken. I already miss you like crazy again. I get lost in the memory of our last hug, one last joke before closing the door behind you.

I secretly rushed to the window, watched you walking away, your head down. Did you feel the same pain?

You disappeared behind the leaves of a tree, your grey clothes blending in with the lush green before the green was all I could see. You are gone. The emptiness you left behind is now filled with pain.

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It’s Bad

“Whoever coined the phrase ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder,’ was an idiot. Absence makes a bitch go crazy.”

– Taking Shots, by Toni Aleo

Would you believe me when I told you that I was (and still am) looking for an excuse to spend a night or two at your place? Fantasizing about being seduced by you or even seducing you… I’ve told you before: I’m losing control over this love or obsession for you. It has become bad. I’m bad. This is the destructive, the dangerous side of loving you…

Waiting – Always And Forever

I feel so much pain right now. Loving you is torture. I can’t take it. Where is this supposed to go? Will it ever stop? How do I get out of it again?

It had been 6 weeks of waiting to see you again last Friday. And the waiting seemed to be neverending that day. I was supposed to pick up H from work at 3pm and we were scheduled to arrive at your parents’ place around 5:30/6pm. I didn’t know if you’d be there already, but you’d have got there by 8pm the latest probably. I was counting down the hours. Then there was a huge detour on the way to H and it took me 30 minutes longer to get there. Already I was furious! If you were going to arrive before us, I’d already miss half an hour of you. I know it’s not that much, considering we’d stay there until Sunday, but every minute counts!

Finally, H and I were on the highway and we got into a traffic jam. More time lost…more waiting. Impatience growing. The closer we got to our destination the worse the weather got. Thunderstorms, heavy rains. It rained so hard, I could barely see while driving, so I had to go slowly. More time lost…more waiting. It felt as if it took ages to get there. We finally arrived at 7pm. You weren’t there yet, as expected you would come at around 8pm. But then the phone rang – it was you letting us know that lightning struck and your train had to return and take a different route. You wouldn’t get there before maybe 9 or even 10pm. WTF?! How long was I supposed to wait? I couldn’t believe it. Shortly before 10, you called again. You’d be at the subway station at 10:14pm. Your stepfather was supposed to pick you up and you’d finally be here at 10:30pm. Well…that’s when you called again. The doors of the subway train didn’t open and you missed the stop, were at a different station, had to take another subway train back. ETA 10:45pm. So you’d be here at 11pm…. Seriously? What was going on? Fate is a real bitch, I guess.

I was already really tired. Friday was completely lost to me. I could barely spend any time with you. H and I stayed up and talked to you a bit while you had that late dinner. Then we went to sleep. I couldn’t really enjoy it, soak you in. I was so furious and frustrated about all that lost time. And then while watching you eat, checking the way you act, I kept thinking you’ve changed…could you have a girlfriend? Why did I become jealous? Was there a reason? Did I expect you to act differently, more desperate to see me again? As impatient as me?

The next day we all got up early to go to the river, onto a scenic raft trip. It was fun. I even spent some time with you alone up the rooftop of the raft, using your sun tan lotion, talking to you a bit. We went swimming and for quite some time I was sitting opposite of you with my bathing suit on. I know it shows a lot of cleavage and you were wearing sunglasses. So I wonder if you took the chance to look… Anyway, the trip took 8 hours, but time just flew, went by way too quickly. I tried to be near you, read you, see if you tried to connect again. I wanted so much, I was so greedy…too greedy. I forgot most things again…like your naked body, or actually your half-naked body. When you got dressed to go swimming, while swimming. I wanted to see your chest, I did…but I can’t recall it now. Oh, you can’t imagine how much I longed for you. I wanted to be carried through the water on your arms, feel your body next to mine. I want to be in your arms, so badly. I’m losing my mind.

Here, you sitting on the rooftop of the raft…in your thin white shirt, probably so soft. Can I sit on your lap, put my arms around you, kiss your neck? I love this picture of you!

delete

*sigh*

The next day: more waiting. We were all so tired from the long raft trip in the bright sun all day, we went to sleep at 10pm on Saturday. I figured we’d get up rather early on Sunday. Well, I did. At around 8. Had breakfast with your stepfather (your mother was ill). We waited a bit for you and H to join us, but it took you so long. It felt like ages. I wondered what you were doing. Were you really sleeping? If you felt at least a bit like me, why wouldn’t you get up? Use the time we have. Carpe diem. But no…you finally got up at 10am. Took a shower first before joining us on the veranda. Funny thing is, I was hoping that, instead of sleeping, you used the time in bed for other things, more intimate…hoping you were thinking of me while doing them.

I got really sad the closer we got to the time when we had to part ways again. We all had ice cream after lunch. You were sitting on the couch, I took a chair opposite of you. And I took my chance and tried to look straight at you as often as I could. I wanted you to see me doing it. And our eyes met a few times. We looked at each other for pretty long each time, but I couldn’t read you. Straight faces.

When H and I left, we said goodbye, but instead of getting up from your seat, you stayed there, so no hug this time. I didn’t dare to ask you to get up, I was thinking of telling you in a funny, joking kind of way. But I didn’t in the end. So I left you by just telling you goodbye. I couldn’t touch you. I was so sad. Disappointed. Angry at myself that I didn’t just ask you. I wanted to cry on the way home, but I obviously couldn’t. I was driving again and more importantly, H would have noticed.

I miss you so much right now. I can’t take it. I want you so badly. I feel so terribly sad. I will have to wait again. I’m constantly waiting for you. There’s nothing else that I can do. My life centers around you. It’s really hard to get out of this mess. I’ll probably have to wait forever. There’s just no way of us ever being together, I know it. I’m sure of it, but I cannot accept it. It hurts so much.

This song here…I feel her pain, even though I don’t do drugs or get drunk, but I really need to numb the pain. Don’t know how.

Spend my days locked in a haze, trying to forget you babe, I fall back down…

Not Sure What To Do (Advice Welcome)

I am sitting here in our cozy little cottage that we rented for our vacation in Sweden. The view onto the lake and the forest in the background is simply amazing. It is a wonderful place here. We could not have chosen a better destination.

Yet, I cannot fully enjoy it. I had thought and hoped that I would be able to forget about you while I am here with H. But I miss you so badly. I wake up feeling sad. And the odd thing is that I feel as if you might be missing me as well and that makes me even sadder. To think that you might be suffering. It is really a strange feeling. It feels so real, but I do not know if that is really the case. Do you indeed miss me? Do you feel jealous that H is here alone with me, instead of you? Or do you not care at all?

H left to go fishing, so that’s why I am here now. Before that, I drafted another email to you. Asking if we could have a talk one-on-one next time we meet. I also briefly explained what it would be about and that I believe it’d be better to discuss this in person and not by email or on the phone. Now the question is: should I send it?

I fear that, if I am wrong, I could alienate you again. Maybe you just warmed up to me in a friendly or brotherly way and by confessing to you again, that I feel more for you, you might want to put some distance between us again and I might lose this very good relationship or friendship we’re having now. Then again, you could turn out to be very understanding and nothing might change at all. I just don’t know what to do here.

I feel I should take the risk in order to get peace of mind. After all, I am sure that I will have that talk with you, sooner or later. Should I announce it to you now already? Will it make things awkward between us until then? But maybe you would like a “heads-up”?

I’ll keep the draft email for now, sleep over it. I think I did the same with the last draft. I didn’t send that one, but I also didn’t copy it for me to send it when on vacation, so it’s of no use anymore anyway.

Maybe I can ask whoever might read this for input…I usually don’t address anyone here, but I am open to any advice or thoughts on the issue. Should I send out that email asking if he would be willing to talk to me personally about the whole matter? Or should I just talk to him whenever the opportunity presents itself? Or should I not talk to him at all? Or should I do something completely different?

The Sweetest Guy

Trying to find a way to put the right words down to express what I am feeling now. I don’t know where and how to start. I feel so sad and I really miss you a lot, but at the same time I feel good…and loved back. It’s totally crazy. After that 4-day weekend at our friend’s house, I can only come to the conclusion that you do indeed love me as well. Or could I be completely wrong in my judgment? Am I so blinded by my longing for you that I totally misinterpret everything you do? Is that possible?

You are either the nicest, sweetest guy on earth (being especially nice only to me it seems) or there’s more to what you feel for me than just friendly or brotherly feelings.

We were sitting on the porch. You went inside to get a refill on your ice cream. When you came back outside, you put a chocolate bar in front of me, “here for you, so that you don’t need to starve”. Just like that. Another nice gesture. I have yet to see you do this for someone else. Hasn’t happened so far.

We were playing that role playing investigation game, guessing who among the party guests is the murderer. 6 people on the couch, H on my right side, you on my left side, legs stretched out onto an armchair in front of us. I’d chosen to play only a minor role so that I wouldn’t need to participate much. You ended up with the role as investigator and you kept pulling me into the action. A little hint at me now and then, while at the same time touching my arm or my knee to point at me. Were you looking for an excuse to touch me? At one point, you seemed to be getting closer with your legs to mine, or trying to. And then your toes touched mine. You didn’t take them away again, you just left them there. I didn’t move mine either. I felt this rush of warmth running through me. Wonderful… Were you doing this on purpose? It was so intense.

When we were going to the buffet place, H carpooled with someone else, so you took his seat in front, next to me. The passenger seat. And on the way back as well. We talked a lot and really casually. You told me things about yourself. I didn’t need to ask you really, you just openly talked about yourself. I don’t think you’ve ever done something like this before. Yes, we have talked before, but not like this. It would have been the perfect opportunity to have that honest talk with you, if we didn’t have another passenger in the back. But it was a nice feeling to have you sitting next to me in the car. From the outside you would have appeared to be my boyfriend probably, because boyfriend and girlfriend would sit in the front of the car, right?

At the buffet, you also chose to sit right opposite of me, at a table with more than 16 seats. You could have chosen any other seat, but you didn’t. And we joked about this vast amount of food and I was speechless to see you get a plate with cucumbers, sweet onions and cake! What a combination. But the whole time at the restaurant felt so intimate. As if we were there by ourselves, just the two of us, on a date. Did it just feel this way for me? Was I imagining things?

When we dropped you off at your place again yesterday, I’d asked you for some coffee. I had driven the entire route, 3 hours, and there were 90 more minutes ahead to get back home from your place. You only had an energy drink, but were willing to give it to me. You also had 2 bananas left in your scarcely filled refrigerator, but you also offered them to me freely, to strengthen up for our remaining drive home. I asked you for the trash to put the peel in after, but you told me to just leave it on the table, that you’d put it away yourself later on. And when I came back into the room after having used the bathroom, you were looking at me so nicely, in a way expectingly. I can’t describe it. It was making me smile. You were smiling a bit too, but you looked so gently at me. Gave me butterflies.

When we were leaving, you came downstairs with us instead of just saying goodbye in your apartment. Also a first. We hugged, you thanked me for driving you and I thanked you for the “emergency” food and drink supplies. And I think you looked kind of sad. I know I felt really sad to leave you there alone by yourself. How much I would have loved to hug you more, keep you in my arms a bit longer.

Damn, there were so many more incidences like this. I cannot even mention them all here…But really, how can I not think that you love me, too, after all this? Am I projecting so many of my own emotions onto you? Am I imagining only that you’d be feeling the same?

Are you just being nice to me, without any deeper meaning behind it? Is that just the way you are? I can’t figure you out. When I ask my heart, it tells me that you love me, but when I ask my mind it tells me that you already told me otherwise and that it’s just wishful thinking on my end. Who am I to believe?

I really need to have this talk with you soon. I will have to hear it from you (again). The question is when…Unfortunately, I didn’t get the chance this weekend. There were always too many people around. I will not see you before the end of July. Can I wait that long? Or will I have to write you another email? Don’t want to do it over the phone. Will I wait for H and us to return from our vacation? Or will I do it before?

Why can’t you just send me a message now, telling me that you can’t live like this anymore, that you need me, desire me, love me? Or are you even too nice to do this, don’t want to destroy what H and I have? Don’t want to hurt your brother?

I guess you are really a truly nice and wonderful human being, either way…

Tired

I am so damn tired right now. Just want to go to bed and sleep all day and night. It’s true that I am on new medication and it seems that I am still not fully used to it. It makes me drowsy and fatigued. But the problem is also you.

I am so tired of loving you, trying to get your attention, figuring out what you really feel. I cannot handle this anymore. It’s too much. It’s draining all energy out of me. I’m incapable of doing anything productive, useful. I have work to do; I should study and go to work part-time. But I can’t. I just want to do something – anything – that helps pass the time until I see you again. But it can’t be anything requiring too much attention or concentration. I can’t concentrate on anything right now. My mind is a mess. Whatever I do, whatever I read or see, I’ll always find a piece in there that I could connect to you somehow.

I am so busy keeping track of time. I am constantly counting down the days until I can see you again. I don’t live in the moment; I am not present in the here and now. When you’re not with me, all I can do is wait until you are again. I can’t enjoy myself. Can’t find the pleasure in anything. It’s really bad. I miss you like crazy. And I go crazy because of it. It’s draining. I am so tired.

I don’t want to love you anymore. If only I could stop. Get my life back again. I want to be normal, be a good student, a reliable employee and most importantly: a loving wife to H.

Damn you! I would fiercely swear at you, curse you, tell you to go fly a kite, if only I weren’t so tired…

Miss You So Badly

I won’t see you this weekend. It’s final. And it hurts. I really miss you right now. It’s bad. I am constantly thinking of you. What probably makes all this worse is the fact that we’d spent a lot of time together playing that online game while talking to each other via TeamSpeak. Yesterday and today, almost all day. I love hearing your voice, laughing about your jokes. It’s truly wonderful. I love this time together. But it is never enough. I need to see you. Yearn to touch you. How can I get through the days without you until May 9? I even made a plan for that. I am organising a surprise birthday party for H at the end of April. But really it is to see you. I am bad, I know. But I miss you so badly.