My Worst Fear

When you and H finally came back from that day trip, you said hello to me, but furtively and right away, you left again to go to the beach. That surprised me as it was evening and the weather wasn’t that good even. And then when you finally got back yet again, you went straight onto your portable computer. You barely interacted with me. Instead you were writing and reading emails, with a little smile on your face and you didn’t really let yourself get distracted from it. You were happy amd a bit hyper afterwards.

It seems as if you might be having a girlfriend or are about to get one…

Which would be the worst possible timing for something like this, right when I have fallen completely for you again and am trying to cope with having this vacation together end soon.

I feel like crying. I am so stupid and naive. Damn you… Silly me…


Complete Relapse

Here we are again. Back at square one. I have completely lost my mind about you. I’m craving you. This vacation here has not been helping. It’s been making things worse. I have thoroughly enjoyed every minute near or with you. But the more time we spend together, the greedier I get and the more I want you. I want to spend even more time with you. I don’t want this to end. We will part ways on Saturday. I don’t know what I will do then.

Again there are these thoughts that you might actually be into me, want me as much as I want you, but that you will not confess in order to not destroy your relationship with your brother, your mother and whoever else would be collateral damage. I know that you told me otherwise. More than once already. But no matter how hard I try to convince myself that this was the truth, that there really is nothing you feel for me other than what a normal brother-in-law would feel for his sister-in-law, there is always this desperate voice in my heart telling me it’s not true. He does love you.

I don’t know how to stop this again, to make this voice shut up. Well, there is one way for sure. The same like last times: I would have to talk to you again, be open and honest with you. But this time, I don’t want this. We’re finally getting along again. I mean, you’re not avoiding me anymore; you’re not making subtle and mean comments anymore to keep me at bay; we can actually talk like normal people again. It has taken us more than 2 years. I don’t want to ruin this again by bothering you with this crap once more. So this time, I will have to find a way to deal with this by myself. Without your help or your input. I have absolutely no clue how.

Right now, I still have a few days left with you here. I will enjoy every minute still. Tomorrow, you’re actually going on a day trip to another island. So I won’t see you for the day. H is coming with you. I will be home alone. But that will give me time to think about things and probably come back here and get more off my chest. That’s hopefully one way to deal with this issue now by myself.

(Gosh, you’re hot. You just came back from a bicycling trip, earlier than expected. Seeing you in that outfit…I just wish to take it off you. You just mentioned that you’d come with us to the beach later on. Now I’m nervous. Will we be going swimming together? Will I be able to see more of your hot body?)


Again, you left. All that remains of you is your lingering scent in my room. Just a bit. It will soon be faded away.

I am so sad. My heart is broken. I already miss you like crazy again. I get lost in the memory of our last hug, one last joke before closing the door behind you.

I secretly rushed to the window, watched you walking away, your head down. Did you feel the same pain?

You disappeared behind the leaves of a tree, your grey clothes blending in with the lush green before the green was all I could see. You are gone. The emptiness you left behind is now filled with pain.