You’ve Been Replaced

Time for another update on the whole matter: I don’t care about you anymore! You’re out of my heart, for good! I don’t have any bad feelings towards you either, or let’s just say: a lot less… It feels sooooo good. And I truly enjoyed the long stretch of time that I didn’t see you now. 2 months to be precise. Last time I saw you was on New Year’s. There had been plans for some more events in between then and now, but they each got cancelled for various reasons. And I simply didn’t give a damn! Yeah!

I am happy with H. I am in love with H. Besides, life is good overall.

When it comes to innocent fantasies and teenagey crushes, you’ve been replaced. This might sound odd. No matter how happy I am in a relationship, I tend to look for some random person to crush on. It’s usually someone really unattainable, like a famous person or someone I see on the bus almost every morning. I don’t know if that’s normal. Or if this happens to other people as well. I don’t find it strange or unacceptable even, as long as I don’t go all crazy and act upon it. But that’s often the crux, especially if that random person is at least somewhat attainable after all. To be honest, I’ve had my past stalkings of bus people (during my first marriage, which was broken anyway). And when this “random crush” involved you, things got too complicated because there actually seemed a high chance that this could become more than just a fantasy. So that messed me up.

However, it’s over. And now there’s a new crush. This time, unattainable again. He’s a somewhat famous person even though he has a rather small audience. I actually know where he lives; I know his real name (most know only his alias). But I’ll try to keep it innocent. Just fantasies. A few daydreams. Once in a while. For fun.

You’re out of the picture now. And it’s not only whenever he’s on my screen.

I’m A Mess

What’s going on? What’s happening to me? What am I doing?

I should be mourning. I should feel sad, angry and frustrated. I should be crying. Maybe I should read more often about coping methods, about buddhistic psychology. I should do all of these things so that I could get over the recent loss and get back to being and feeling normal. Instead I am going crazy over you, thoughts running wild in my head.

I’m impatient, don’t want to wait until the 26th when you will come here. Even though we agreed to leave whatever we have to discuss for that Friday in about 2 weeks time, instead of doing it via email, I still kind of hope to get a quick note from you, a short message to say hi and check in on me. Whenever you should have got home from work, I start – almost frantically – checking my mails every so often and get madly disappointed when there’s nothing from you in my inbox.

I’m so impatient that I can’t even wait for the weekend to hear your voice again when we will play that online game together. Each day is just crawling past me. I feel so bored, yet unmotivated to do anything. All I can do is paint mental pictures of you coming here, of us having that conversation. It continues with me having to cry and you taking me gently in your arms, holding me. And then you’re confessing your true feelings. They’ve been there all along. I can hear you say it, just the same way you did a while ago during that game: “Wanna cuddle?” Yes, I do. We’re lying down on the couch. I can rest my head on your chest, your arms tightly around me, one hand caressing my arm, while I gently touch your stomach, your chest. That’s it. We know the rules. We won’t do more than that.

But I have to confess my other fantasy: I also imagine us having an affair from that point on. You’ll have 2 more weeks off after that weekend, so I picture you renting a hotel room nearby to stay there. We’d meet up whenever I don’t have to work and while H is at work himself. We talk; we laugh; we cuddle; we make love one day; we have wild passionate sex the other.

Oh my God, what’s wrong with me? Is this normal? I thought I was over you, more or less. At least I thought to have gained some control. Now it feels so much worse, but at the same time so much better. I know I did the right thing asking you to talk to me one on one. It feels like we’re heading towards a deeper form of relationship or friendship. Somehow I am even more convinced now that you do have feelings for me, even though realistically I still believe that they are nothing more than friendly feelings. Does that make any sense? Gee, I don’t know what I am saying, how I can express what I am feeling.

It’s like I am heading towards that big conclusion of whatever this is here. I don’t fear the outcome. I am positive that it’s going to be good, one way or the other, no matter what you actually feel for me. I need to talk to you, be honest, get your feedback and yes, I do want to be held in your arms even if it’s just for a few seconds. I am yearning so much to see you again, talk to you. Until then, I am a complete mess it seems.

It’s Bad

“Whoever coined the phrase ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder,’ was an idiot. Absence makes a bitch go crazy.”

– Taking Shots, by Toni Aleo

Would you believe me when I told you that I was (and still am) looking for an excuse to spend a night or two at your place? Fantasizing about being seduced by you or even seducing you… I’ve told you before: I’m losing control over this love or obsession for you. It has become bad. I’m bad. This is the destructive, the dangerous side of loving you…

Hellbound?

Another weekend get-together is over. It felt really good to see you again, after a seemingly endless stretch of 6 weeks. It was worth waiting for so long.

The weather was beautiful, still is. Spring is in the air; sunshine warming up the heart; cheerful feelings. It makes me feel even more flirtatious, in love. And it nourishes my imagination. Whenever I had a quiet minute for myself, I fantasized about how we would secretly find ways to be close to each other, touch, kiss and maybe more, while the others are out or busy doing other things. We could meet downstairs, in the basement, in the laundry room. We’d whisper how much we miss each other. You’d caress my face, gently play with my hair. Before going back up, we’d kiss. When being around the others, we’d secretly exchange meaningful glances, our feet or hands touching unnoticeably to anyone but us.

Or I would imagine how you would finally admit to me that you lied before and that you actually do feel something for me. It would be subtle again. A gentle touch, almost as if by accidence. But then another one, letting me know that it was intentional. Later you’d find an opportunity alone with me, tell me how you feel, touch me again. Try to kiss me. I’d push you away at first, but you’d insist, try again. And I would give in to you. How could I resist? I’d put my arms around you; enjoy your warm embrace, fleeting and furtive, because we’d have to be careful. Someone might come and see.

My mind got ahead of me. Of us. I was thinking about all these things. Dreaming and fantasizing about what it would be like. But I never even once thought about the consequences of all this. It would be so wrong. A sin. We’d be hellbound.

But right now, I don’t really care. I want you. I can’t help it. I’m so into you. I don’t want to give up these warm and fuzzy feelings, the passion, the lust you evoke in me. This fire within, the volcano.

And you’re not exactly helping to stop this anyway. No, quite the opposite actually. I still get the impression that you feel something for me. I have tried to observe your behavior as neutral as possible and I just don’t know how else to interpret what you do and how you act around me.

Let me give you an example: during meals, we were sitting at the round dinner table, H between the two of us. So you were not exactly opposite of me, but somewhat at an angle. When we both were leaning back, H would block our views of each other’s faces. That gave me a nice chance to look at you, out of the corner of my eye, by pretending to look at H or at what he was eating while really just trying to look at you and what you were doing. And more than just once, I caught you doing the same thing! You were looking at H’s plate while briefly glancing over to me. Or just when I looked somewhere else, I’d still keep you in my sight (I have great peripheral vision…) and would see when you turned your head towards me, even if it was just for a short moment. I get that once in a while one would stare somewhere while thinking, lost in thoughts, without realizing what one is looking at. But would I turn my head that much to one side? Would you?

Another example: during conversations, when someone said something funny, you’d laugh and look at me, laugh with me. Even when the joke was not in any way related to us. Instead of looking at the person the joke was about, you looked at me. I love that so much. Seeing you smile, and your beautiful blue-grey eyes! They are so mesmerizing! Gets me every time!

Anyway, it feels like we’re searching for each other when we’re among other people. We’re trying to connect. Always looking to make contact. I am not imagining that. You’re not doing that with H, for example. That’s a fact. Why not? Are you just reacting to me doing it first? It would be milliseconds. Not sure if you could register what I am doing so quickly. Could it not be that we are so much alike or even feel so much the same that we are bonding like that? Reaching out to each other subliminelly?

Right now, I want to believe that this is true, that you love me, too. And I want to pursue this. I don’t want to give up on this hope that we could be together one day, even if it’s just for a few moments, minutes, hours or days. Without regrets.

And maybe we can even avoid hell…

Jealousy and Confusion

The weekend with your family, with you, went by way too fast. But I knew that this was going to happen. I also knew that I would feel all this pain to leave and be apart from you again. So here I am now, revisiting the past 3 days, trying to find out more about us.

When H and I arrived, you were already there. We greeted each other fleetingly. As is usually the case when we first see each other after some time of absence, we are more like distant acquaintances than good friends or family. It always takes us a little time to warm up to each other. I mentioned it before, we’re somewhat of the same character, same mentality. Introverted. In the background.

But this time, this feeling of distance between us was enhanced by you frequently checking your smart phone. I am not sure what you were doing exactly on it, but you stayed even more in the background than other times. Instead of participating in the usual “warming-up” small-talk, you said almost nothing, laid down in the corner of the couch and played with your phone. Whatever you were doing, I felt so sad about it. And jealous! Yes, I felt jealous. I’ve been through this type of behaviour before as well and it was always when I was in the beginning phases of a potential romantic relationship. I’d often be checking social networks for that person of interest or my emails to see if he had replied again. I’d be constantly connected. And in order to indulge in my fantasies, I’d be lieing down a lot and daydreaming. That’s what you seemed to be doing, too. You lied down a lot on the couch, doing nothing, closing your eyes.

I know, this could all mean nothing at all. Maybe you were just tired. Maybe you just checked your emails so often because you were waiting for an answer from that job interview you did the day before. Maybe you were just bored.

But maybe you’re in the midst of a blossoming new romantic endeavour.

I don’t like to admit it, don’t like to think about it. But that’s my biggest fear when it comes to you – you finding someone else to love. To be honest, I kind of like the fact that you’re single. It leaves the possibility, even if extremely small, that you do love me back. It’s totally naive of me to think this way, but yes, my silly heart tries to convince me that you actually were not honest with me when I had asked you about your feelings for me. That you lied to me, denied your feelings for me, so that no one would get hurt, especially not H, your brother. We watched some old slides from when you guys were young kids and I know that you are so close to each other, inseparable almost. You would never hurt him. So that adds to my silly thought process. I still get the impression once in a while, when I talk to you or am near you, that certain things you do seem to suggest that you do feel something for me, but that you’re trying to suppress it, not show it.

I know that this is silly. The truth is probably exactly what you told me. That there are no feelings for me that you would need to deny or hide. But my heart plays these tricks on me. It makes me feel better to think that we cannot be together even though we love each other, just because we’re bound by moral codes, because we’re loyal to the other ones we love, to family.

I wouldn’t know what to do should you announce one day that you have a girlfriend. Or worse, that you’re about to get married. Or have a baby with her. This is really selfish of me. I know that. I know that when we love someone unconditionally, we should want them to be happy. And if that happiness entails a loving relationship with someone else, we should accept it and be at peace with it. I don’t think I can do that. Yes, I do want you to be happy. But it’s so hard to accept the fact that I am not playing the part of your happiness that I would like to play. I wonder: would I even get along with her? Ever? I generally have a problem becoming friends with women, I am more comfortable around guys. So it would be so much harder accepting a woman who is with you, who could potentially become part of the family. I cannot imagine what I would feel. How would I handle seeing you two show affection towards each other, kissing, caressing… On the other hand – should my silly thoughts be true – I cannot imagine what you’d be feeling each time H and I are publicly intimate. Or are you jealous, even if you don’t feel anything for me? Are you jealous just because of the fact that you are not in a relationship with someone?

Oh why does it have to be so complicated? Is the human race really made to be monogamous? Or do society and some arbitrary moral rules dictate us to be in such a one-and-one relationship? Would it be so wrong to be together with more than one person? If all consented to it, why should there be an issue? I guess, it wouldn’t work that all agreed to it. Jealousy is a nasty feeling, uncontrollable. It’s a nice fantasy to think about being in a sharing relationship with H and you at the same time, everyone involved thinking it’s just fine. But how would I feel if we added another woman to the equation, make it a 4-way-relationship, interchange the pairings? Would I feel okay when you have alone-time with her? Or if it’s H’s turn with her? That would never work. I wouldn’t be able to handle it. Why should you? It only works in an ideal world and that one only exists in my fantasy.

So let’s go back to reality. I’m not making any progress here. I am stuck. When I am not with you for a while, I feel okay. With every day apart, I miss you less and I think of you more as a friend, almost like a brother. But as soon as I see you again, spend some time with you, I cannot help the yearning for more. We had this great talk together on Saturday. Just you and me, no one else. I felt so comfortable. It was fun. A friendly conversation, harmless. But whenever I caught a glimpse of your skin, whenever you smiled directly at me, I wanted more. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not all sexual. In fact, I just want to be in your arms, touch your warm skin, smell you, hear your heartbeat, feel your breath on me. It’s this yearning for you that makes me sad, because I already have all these wonderful things with H. He holds me in his arms so often, I can feel his warm skin, smell him, listen to his heartbeat, feel his breath on me. It’s not that something’s missing in my life, there’s no void that I am trying to fill with you. It hurts to feel this way. I am so scared to hurt H, to lose him, should he ever find out. I am happy with him and I am not just saying this. I cannot explain why I feel for you this way, what I want from you.

Maybe it’s just right the way everything is right now. I am happy with H, you’re single, so I can indulge in my strange fantasies, no need to feel jealous. But then again, I don’t think that you can be happy this way. And that should count a lot as well. So it is NOT right. I will need to finally stop these feelings for you, forget about you, at least as a potential love partner. I should be happy to have you as a good friend, as a brother-in-law. We get along well. Everything else will only destroy this. Why can I not stop this mess?