Hangover

Home again. Our vacation is over. And I feel strange: mostly numb, but once in a while there’s a sudden feeling of sadness and disappointment. I am restless and drained at the same time. These last 2 weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster ride. I guess you could also compare it to a really bad hangover. The high made me forget about all my problems and I felt elated, like anything and everything was possible with you. But then I reached the point where it was too much or the wrong kind of alcohol and it all went downhill from there.

Not only do I have to deal with my everyday struggles again, but also with realizing – once again – what a fool I’ve been to believe that you might have feelings for me despite what you had told me in the past.

What’s even worse is the recent turn of events that you might be getting or having a girlfriend already. The signs were pretty clear: it wasn’t just the emailing with the big puppy grin in your face on Wednesday, but also how you behaved yesterday when we arrived at your mother’s place. You were talking on your phone for probably around half an hour while trying to stay away from us so that we wouldn’t be able to overhear. This might be normal behaviour for some people, but not for you. Even H noticed that this was unusual for you to do! (I actually told him, casually, that I think you’re about to get a girlfriend and about what I had observed on Wednesday.) When even other people notice a change in your behaviour in this direction, then I’m pretty sure my guess is right.

But it happened so suddenly. It really all started to change on Wednesday after you came back from that day trip with H. Up until that point, we had great moments together: we talked; we laughed while watching silly TV shows; you showed interest in what I’d been doing on a certain day, where I’d been going, how my bicycling tour had been; you did nice things for me again; I sometimes caught you looking at me, checking me out even… However, you did nothing even remotely close to any of that on and after Wednesday. It was almost as if I didn’t even exist. You only interacted with your computer and email program.

You also suddenly changed plans. Originally, we were to leave the cottage on Friday and drive to your mother’s place (it’s roughly 5 hours by car), where we would all stay the night before we were to finally go to our respective homes after lunch on Saturday. However, on Thursday you announced you’d take the last train home on Friday night already, at about 11:30 PM, so you’d be home at 3 AM on Saturday. Why would you depart so hastily in the middle of the night? Was there someone impatiently waiting for you now? Probably…

So I wonder what happened in between Wednesday and the days before that? Were you waiting for her, for some type of sign from her and you just kinda toyed with me, seeing me as a substitute or maybe even a test dummy? On that day, did she finally tell you she’s interested or even that she loves you?

I could have been wrong again in interpreting your signals at the beginning of our vacation. It’s very likely actually. But your general and sudden change in behaviour is not deniable.

There was one positive aspect to all of this, however: it made it a little easier to anticipate and finally say goodbye. I felt sad on Wednesday, but was already numb enough on Thursday to not dread the end of our time together. I was okay with it, maybe even a tiny bit relieved.

I’ll have to sort this all out again now. Come to terms with the likely scenario of you presenting a woman at your side soon. How can I ever have a normal and appropriate relationship with you? Will I ever be able to simply see you as my brother-in-law? Would I ever be able to like or at least accept “your” woman?

Why is this so complicated? After all, I am happy with H. This is not a lie. I don’t understand why I keep falling for you again and again. I will have to think about all of this once more, but not now. Not during this hangover.

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True Colours

I think you’re avoiding me now. You haven’t asked me even once to play with you this week, while you’d asked me every day last week! Really? How come? I’m tired of making excuses for you, so it’s safe to say that you’re doing it on purpose. You simply do not want to have anything to do with me right now.

You’re such a messed up person. When you’re nice, it’s by accident, not on purpose. And now you’re intentionally avoiding me and being a jerk. Well fuck off! Guess you’re showing your true colours finally. And mine are coming through, too. I’m so pissed off at you right now. I’m trying to distract myself, go about my usual routine, but whenever I think of you, I get really mad and angry.

I still can’t believe how I could have been so wrong in judging you. I really thought you were the nicest guy on earth. That long weekend trip to our friend’s place in June was so magical. Sitting next to you during the role playing game, our feet touching, you pulling me into the conversation while placing your hand on my thigh…that was so wonderful. And I remember so many good moments with you from that weekend. Like I said, it felt truly magical to me. And now I have absolutely no clue what it was all about. Where did all the magic go? Did I imagine it all? Maybe I don’t want to know the truth behind your actions and feelings from that trip. Maybe I want to keep this as my last illusion of you that I could retreat to. I’ve held you in such high regard.

It’s all gone now.