Not Sure What To Do (Advice Welcome)

I am sitting here in our cozy little cottage that we rented for our vacation in Sweden. The view onto the lake and the forest in the background is simply amazing. It is a wonderful place here. We could not have chosen a better destination.

Yet, I cannot fully enjoy it. I had thought and hoped that I would be able to forget about you while I am here with H. But I miss you so badly. I wake up feeling sad. And the odd thing is that I feel as if you might be missing me as well and that makes me even sadder. To think that you might be suffering. It is really a strange feeling. It feels so real, but I do not know if that is really the case. Do you indeed miss me? Do you feel jealous that H is here alone with me, instead of you? Or do you not care at all?

H left to go fishing, so that’s why I am here now. Before that, I drafted another email to you. Asking if we could have a talk one-on-one next time we meet. I also briefly explained what it would be about and that I believe it’d be better to discuss this in person and not by email or on the phone. Now the question is: should I send it?

I fear that, if I am wrong, I could alienate you again. Maybe you just warmed up to me in a friendly or brotherly way and by confessing to you again, that I feel more for you, you might want to put some distance between us again and I might lose this very good relationship or friendship we’re having now. Then again, you could turn out to be very understanding and nothing might change at all. I just don’t know what to do here.

I feel I should take the risk in order to get peace of mind. After all, I am sure that I will have that talk with you, sooner or later. Should I announce it to you now already? Will it make things awkward between us until then? But maybe you would like a “heads-up”?

I’ll keep the draft email for now, sleep over it. I think I did the same with the last draft. I didn’t send that one, but I also didn’t copy it for me to send it when on vacation, so it’s of no use anymore anyway.

Maybe I can ask whoever might read this for input…I usually don’t address anyone here, but I am open to any advice or thoughts on the issue. Should I send out that email asking if he would be willing to talk to me personally about the whole matter? Or should I just talk to him whenever the opportunity presents itself? Or should I not talk to him at all? Or should I do something completely different?

Saved As Draft

I just finished typing up that email to you. I did not push “send”. I stored it away as a draft email. Will I send it?

Can I handle the truth, whatever it may be? Do I want to risk what we are having now, whatever it may be?

Or would it be better to wait so that I could tell you everything in person, face to face? Would I be able to handle the truth then, deal with the risk?

I’ll sleep over it…