Business As Usual

I’ve been absent from here for quite some time now. And that’s also due to your absence from my mind recently. Well, you’re not completely absent, however. Once in a while I think of you. Unfortunately, my thoughts are never neutral.

Most of the time, I actually have bad thoughts. Mean ones. I’m still angry, I guess. I curse you. Last time with your parents, we looked at some photos and a video they took when they visited you. On that video, you looked rather uncomfortable being filmed. And I found comfort in your discomfort. Serves you right, I thought. When we talk about that online game, I always feel delighted to hear when you had a bad day with lots of losses. I don’t know why these things make me feel better. But they do, I must admit.

Then occasionally, I have good thoughts about you. Well, not really good in a sense that I feel all dazed and crazy in love. Those times are over. But I think my mind is still trying to trick me into thinking that you still haven’t told me the truth about the way you feel towards me. Crazy, isn’t it? I got your confirmation twice now and my stupid mind (or maybe it’s my stupid heart) still intends to prove you wrong, that you keep on lying about your true feelings for me for moral reasons, to protect your brother, to protect the ones you love. How silly is that?! I know well enough that none of this is true, but these kind of thoughts keep coming back once in a while.

Your behaviour around me has returned to the state it was in before, after your initial reaction seemed to be to ignore me altogether. We’ve played that online game together again (with H); we’ve talked on the phone again, like normal people (or as if nothing ever happened). You then even asked me how I was doing! This “kindness” – or whatever it really is – caught me off guard; I didn’t even know right away what to answer. So you continue where we left off. I am not sure what to make of it.

I wonder if you will call today or send me an email. It’s my birthday. Last year, you completely forgot. And even when H gave you a hint, you still forgot. So I won’t expect anything from you this time. However, I’m curious to see what you’ll do (or not do).