Gone Again…For Good!

It’s been  a while since my last visit here. Well, I’ve been avoiding it, avoiding you. I just don’t want to be around you anymore, don’t want to think of you anymore. I’d like you to stay completely out of my life, to be honest. That won’t be possible, considering you’re my brother-in-law, but the least I can do is stay away from you as much as I can.

It’s not so much the fact that you obviously have no feelings for me at all or that you were nice to me for no reason at all and without even realizing it yourself. It’s more due to your recent behaviour after I had that talk with you. You’ve been avoiding me as well at first, not inviting me to play the online game with you anymore; in conversations around other people you’ve also dropped clear hints for me that you have no feelings for me, sometimes in a rather rude way or tone of voice. And during the last weekend get-together the two of us talked about general stuff before the conversation turned to the game. I told you that I’ve been struggling with something in it and you simply told me that I’d need to stop playing badly. How rude! You weren’t even joking. I mean, sure, I’m not the best player in it, but whenever we played together, we all had decent and good games. You never said a word and now this?  And I stopped playing with you and H because as you seem to get better, you keep checking your stats and you keep noticing that you’re above average now, actually turning into a very good player and you’ve started to play the game in such a selfish way… I don’t want to take this game too seriously, but somehow this attitude reflects your personality in “real life” as well. I guess you are indeed rather selfish.

Just like when your mother urged you to put a sweater or a jacket on to not catch a cold when standing on the veranda on a cold autumn evening and you almost snapped back at her “I haven’t been sick for 6 years and I won’t get sick now either!” Leaving the rude way of replying aside, I know that this is in fact not true. I remember an incidence last year during a get-together where I drank from your cup and finding out afterwards that you had a cold back then. (I remember clearly as I was pregnant at that time and slightly worried of catching your cold.) It’s probably not a big deal as such, but I don’t get it. How come I realize now what kind of person you truly are? How could I have not seen this before? Was I really so much blinded by love? Or did you just turn into this jerk now? Is it a parade for me to deter me from further loving you? If it’s the latter, well…you succeeded!

Christmas and New Year’s are just around the corner. In past years I would have been really excited to see you, to be around you for a couple of days here and there, a long weekend, the holidays. This year, however, I am glad that we’re doing the celebrations at our place and you’ll only stay a night on Christmas day and then again one night only during New Year’s. And I’ll be glad when it’s over and you’re gone again…for good!

True Colours

I think you’re avoiding me now. You haven’t asked me even once to play with you this week, while you’d asked me every day last week! Really? How come? I’m tired of making excuses for you, so it’s safe to say that you’re doing it on purpose. You simply do not want to have anything to do with me right now.

You’re such a messed up person. When you’re nice, it’s by accident, not on purpose. And now you’re intentionally avoiding me and being a jerk. Well fuck off! Guess you’re showing your true colours finally. And mine are coming through, too. I’m so pissed off at you right now. I’m trying to distract myself, go about my usual routine, but whenever I think of you, I get really mad and angry.

I still can’t believe how I could have been so wrong in judging you. I really thought you were the nicest guy on earth. That long weekend trip to our friend’s place in June was so magical. Sitting next to you during the role playing game, our feet touching, you pulling me into the conversation while placing your hand on my thigh…that was so wonderful. And I remember so many good moments with you from that weekend. Like I said, it felt truly magical to me. And now I have absolutely no clue what it was all about. Where did all the magic go? Did I imagine it all? Maybe I don’t want to know the truth behind your actions and feelings from that trip. Maybe I want to keep this as my last illusion of you that I could retreat to. I’ve held you in such high regard.

It’s all gone now.

The Aftermath

Angry, bitter, sad, disappointed, bewildered. If I had to summarize my feelings right now, that’s what it would be. I’m trying to come to terms with what happened with you. I really do not have a problem that you do not love me back, that you have no romantic feelings for me. What’s hurting the most is the fact that there are no other feelings for me, apparently. I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that, on the outside, you can appear to be the nicest guy on earth, doing all the right things, when on the inside, you’re just shallow. Or you’re just doing them automatically, or by chance, by accident. I actually don’t know what’s going on in your mind when you’re being nice. It just never seemed possible to me that someone could be nice without realizing it or doing it on purpose. I mean, it’s a conscious decision for me, especially when it comes to doing specific nice things as opposed to a general kindness. Bringing someone a piece of chocolate or cake, not letting someone eat alone in a room by him- or herself, playfully touching someone’s leg during a game are all things I normally wouldn’t just do randomly to anyone. If I liked that person, I would want to be kind to him/her, I would at least somewhat consciously decide how I could brighten up his/her day, make him/her feel happy. And even if I am nice to a complete stranger, I would still remember it afterwards. It’s so hard to believe that you never even once thought about all the nice things you did for me, that I would even need to remind you of having done them at all.

The revelation that something like this would be indeed possible and that out of all the people you are the one where this is the case is crushing me. And it makes me so angry and bitter. How could I have been so dumb? So ignorant of this? How could I have fallen for an empty shell like you?

I tried to avoid you at your parents’ place this weekend. When we got there, I was able to still act normally, talk and act around you as usual. Then the first night there was bad. I could barely sleep. I even shed some tears. On Saturday I started avoiding you. I did not want to look at you even. I couldn’t bear noticing your body spray again, the usual lingering scent. When someone made a joke, I would not look at your to see if you were laughing as well. I did not want to make a connection again. When your mother called me over to her on the couch when she needed help with her knitting, I had to sit between the two of you. While I explained her something, your feet were touching my leg. Did you even notice? Did you not care again? Were you even aware of it? I couldn’t move away from it; there was no room. When I got up again, my shirt was stuck under your foot. You said “oh” and I answered “don’t worry,” but I couldn’t or did not want to look at you.

I also remember two other incidences where it seemed quite obvious that at least those things were done fully with intent on your part:  the first one was some kind of conversation with everyone. I don’t remember what it was about. However, you made a statement, loud and clear (so unlike what you usually do), saying “I’m just too nice.” Seriously?! That must have been a hint. The other incidence was when H had asked me for a favour. I was in a playful mood so I teasingly denied. H continued the playful conversation, pretending to chew on my arm and saying: “You could get out of it, if my brother did the favour for me. Do you think he would do it if I threatened to bite your arm? Would he save you?” Almost simultaneously you and I answered “no”. Mine was slightly on the disappointed scale (no, unfortunately you would never save me), but yours was so determined and firm (hell no!). Maybe you didn’t mean it that harsh, but then again, maybe you did. Whatever, you made it clear. Another hint, I guess.

On Sunday I also tried to avoid you. Maybe I made it even more obvious then. I have to admit I felt almost hateful towards you. Angry and bitter. I wanted you to notice that I am trying to stay or get out of your way. I wanted you to see me moping and pouting, being upset, being angry. After lunch, when the others got up already, it was just you and me at the table. I waited a bit; we weren’t talking. Then I got up, cleared the table. When I came back, I did not sit down again, but walked right past you into the garden, leaving you alone at the table. In the past, I would have sat down again. We might not have talked much then either, but at least I would have chosen your company. I doubt you would have noticed the difference. (Do you even notice anything at all???)  That day I also locked myself for about half an hour into the guestroom H and I were staying in. It’s in the basement right next to your guestroom there. At one point I heard that you were also in your room. Shortly after, I wanted to go back upstairs, but when I got out of the room, I ran into H who was worried a bit. He asked me if I was okay, if I was upset. Your door was open and I knew you would hear us, so I said loud and clear “yes, I’m a bit upset.”

I didn’t smile at you whenever our eyes met, I actually looked away quickly again. I did not give you a hug to say goodbye either. I don’t know if you noticed any of it. If so, you probably don’t even care. I really wonder what’s going on in your head at times. I saw you a few times sitting by yourself at the pond in the backyard, lost in thoughts apparently. What were you thinking about? Do I ever cross your mind? Do you think about our conversation once in a while? Or am I just an afterthought?

I don’t know what to think of you now. I don’t know what to do around you now. I would like to avoid you, shun you even. Screw up your pointless sharade. I should log onto that game every day of this week, knowing you’re still on vacation. And then wait for you to ask me again if we should platoon, just to say “no, screw you!” Well, I wouldn’t say screw you, but I would feel better to let you down, to disappoint you. Even if it’s just a tiny bit of a fraction of the pain you have caused me. I want you to know that you hurt me. But I guess it wouldn’t matter to you. I am of no concern to you in a good way, so why would it matter in a bad way?

Like I said, I am angry and bitter now. Maybe I am also starting to hate you a bit. It’s going to be difficult to get back into a somewhat normal state towards you again.