Puppy Love In Brazil

Tomorrow you’ll be here. I’m so excited that I dream the strangest things at night (and because we spent almost every afternoon this week together playing that online game together):

A quick weekend trip to Brazil with H, you and some random people I’ve met in my life. I’m sitting on a couch checking on the TV what’s the best way to get back home (by plane or by boat?).  You’re trying to find something in your backpack while trying to sit down next to me. There’s hardly any room, so I’m moving a bit over. Don’t want you to fall off. Then you’re sitting right next to me, our thighs touching (what a tiny couch!). The way we’re sitting now, you’re conveniently blocking everyone else’s view on me and they can’t see how you’re suddenly putting your hand around my waist, resting it there, caressing me gently. I’m blushing; my heart is racing. You’re looking at me coyly. And I know what this all means: You love me, too.

Scene change: Still on the couch, but lying down now, facing each other. For others, we’re distant enough, but we’re under a cover and you can again touch me without anyone noticing. I feel like in heaven. You’re looking all dreamy-eyed up the ceiling, then you’re looking at me, like a silly puppy in love.

Let’s go to Brazil tomorrow!

Just 4 More Days

So soon. Things are getting real. I’m excited, nervous, but strangely enough, I also feel calm. Is that possible?

You’re off this week already, so we again played that game together this afternoon. It’s becoming so casual lately. We talked about Friday, at what time you might be getting here. You’ll decide depending on the weather. If it’s good, you’ll do some bicycling and take the later train, arriving here at around 1pm. If it’s bad, you’ll skip the bicyling and be here at around 11am already. (Let it rain!!!)

Anyway, what I really like about playing that game: you always start it, you keep inviting me, offering to play together. You take the initiative. Yes, you might just be bored playing by yourself, but still…I simply like it. I’m trying not to interpret too much into it, but what the heck. Let me enjoy my foolishness for a little while longer. Until Friday I guess, when I’ll know the truth.

Sad

I feel like crying. So sad. I’m such a mess.

We had just played that online game together for 3 hours, just the two of us. H is at a birthday party. I was invited, too, but I’m not in the mood for social gatherings right now, especially not when there’s little kids running around there as well. It’s so exhausting to be around people these days, having to pretend to be happy and smiling when all I really wanna do is curl up in bed and either dream of you all day or cry myself to sleep. So I stayed home today. I knew there was a good chance that we might play the game together. And we did.

And now I feel sad. Don’t know what I expected from talking to you during the game, but somehow I did expect something else than what happened. I expected more. Some hint at what you’re feeling maybe. A confirmation of the images my mind has recently produced of you. Even though there was none, I know it doesn’t mean that this is necessarily the way it is, but… oh well, I’m needy these days. I feel weak, confused, down. It’s fun talking to you, playing that game. It was fun today, yes. I enjoyed it. But there’s always something missing still. I hope I won’t feel this way on Friday after talking to you in person, telling you everything.

Nervous

8 days left. Only. It seemed like forever a few weeks ago and now it’s just around the corner basically. Yes, I said before that I would not be nervous to see you next Friday and openly talk to you about everything. But that was then, now it’s different. I’m actually nervous as hell… It’s so soon suddenly. And there’s so much at stake really, in every scenario I can think of (who knows what could happen in those that I cannot think of…). Let’s see:

1. You do not love me back: this is the most likely scenario. You only like me as a friend or a sister. Which is a good thing, yes, of course. I’d love to build upon that, deepen our friendship without silly emotions in the way. However, I am scared that I might not be able to handle this as well as I imagine it now. Truth be told, I actually hope that you love me back. My heart longs for you. It wants to be loved back by you. So even though I’d truly appreciate your friendship, I’m afraid that I might want more still and wouldn’t be able to accept anything less than your love.

2. You do love me back, but won’t act upon it: second most likely scenario. All those nice things you did for me in the past would be so out of context if there wasn’t more to them than you just being nice. So in this scenario I fear that I won’t be able to deal with being in love with a guy who loves me back but we cannot be together. It’s not just about my own pain, but I don’t want to see or know you suffer as well. How would we go along our lives, every time we see each other during family events acting as if there’s nothing when all we really want is to be close to each other, hug, kiss, make love, share our life experiences?

3. You do love me back and we go along with it: least likely scenario, but not altogether impossible. We are a lot alike, at least from what I can tell. So why wouldn’t you feel the same need to actually go all the way? But of course, the problem here is that I am married to your brother. And I am so afraid to destroy everything, really everything: my marriage, your brotherhood, my good relations to your mother and family, your family bonds with them, and so much more. Totally devastating.

All this makes me nervous. I’m anxious to hear what you have to say to all this. Maybe it will turn out to be very simple, easy to solve and we’ll both be happy after. Oh, I can’t wait any longer, at the same time I don’t want this here to end, the hope, the feeling of potential. Right now, I can imagine countless ideal outcomes. Paradise at the end of the road. Will I find paradise in your arms next Friday?

I’m A Mess

What’s going on? What’s happening to me? What am I doing?

I should be mourning. I should feel sad, angry and frustrated. I should be crying. Maybe I should read more often about coping methods, about buddhistic psychology. I should do all of these things so that I could get over the recent loss and get back to being and feeling normal. Instead I am going crazy over you, thoughts running wild in my head.

I’m impatient, don’t want to wait until the 26th when you will come here. Even though we agreed to leave whatever we have to discuss for that Friday in about 2 weeks time, instead of doing it via email, I still kind of hope to get a quick note from you, a short message to say hi and check in on me. Whenever you should have got home from work, I start – almost frantically – checking my mails every so often and get madly disappointed when there’s nothing from you in my inbox.

I’m so impatient that I can’t even wait for the weekend to hear your voice again when we will play that online game together. Each day is just crawling past me. I feel so bored, yet unmotivated to do anything. All I can do is paint mental pictures of you coming here, of us having that conversation. It continues with me having to cry and you taking me gently in your arms, holding me. And then you’re confessing your true feelings. They’ve been there all along. I can hear you say it, just the same way you did a while ago during that game: “Wanna cuddle?” Yes, I do. We’re lying down on the couch. I can rest my head on your chest, your arms tightly around me, one hand caressing my arm, while I gently touch your stomach, your chest. That’s it. We know the rules. We won’t do more than that.

But I have to confess my other fantasy: I also imagine us having an affair from that point on. You’ll have 2 more weeks off after that weekend, so I picture you renting a hotel room nearby to stay there. We’d meet up whenever I don’t have to work and while H is at work himself. We talk; we laugh; we cuddle; we make love one day; we have wild passionate sex the other.

Oh my God, what’s wrong with me? Is this normal? I thought I was over you, more or less. At least I thought to have gained some control. Now it feels so much worse, but at the same time so much better. I know I did the right thing asking you to talk to me one on one. It feels like we’re heading towards a deeper form of relationship or friendship. Somehow I am even more convinced now that you do have feelings for me, even though realistically I still believe that they are nothing more than friendly feelings. Does that make any sense? Gee, I don’t know what I am saying, how I can express what I am feeling.

It’s like I am heading towards that big conclusion of whatever this is here. I don’t fear the outcome. I am positive that it’s going to be good, one way or the other, no matter what you actually feel for me. I need to talk to you, be honest, get your feedback and yes, I do want to be held in your arms even if it’s just for a few seconds. I am yearning so much to see you again, talk to you. Until then, I am a complete mess it seems.

My Beacon/The Blinking Cursor

Getting over this second miscarriage is really hard. Even though we lost this baby at an early stage, the pain is there, full force. At the same time, I don’t feel sad, I don’t need to cry. However, neither do I feel anything at all. No joy, no motivation to do anything. Nothing. I just feel really numb. There seems to be only one thing that can still bring a smile to my face, that gives me something to look forward to, to enjoy. You guessed it probably: it’s you. It must sound so cliché, but right now you are my beacon of light and of hope. The one thing that gives my life some meaning right now. Don’t get me wrong, I still love H, probably now more than ever, after all we’ve been through recently. But he’s hurting so much, too. He’s sad. Crushed. We are not able to cheer each other up right now. We’re supporting each other, but it’s so painful. So I’m coming right back to you. It’s not about love or sex. I guess it’s the same as last time. I find strength in your silent comforting, your support, just you being there. Your understanding. Your friendship.

We told our parents and kind of agreed to also tell our siblings, which is my brother and you. At one point or another you’d find out anyway. So I expected your mother to tell you, but maybe when H talked to her he told her not to say anything to you. You only found out about it when I told you yesterday.

But let me back up a bit first: on Saturday you made a really thoughtful offer. That next weekend get-together is approaching, you know, the one when we are to talk. So instead of just meeting there and having to find a good time to go for a walk together without anyone else around, you offered to come to us on Friday, have that conversation here while H is at work and then drive up there together with us. You’ll have the week off so there would be no scheduling conflicts. When I read that message on Saturday, it really brightened up my day, made me happy. It was just what I needed then. (I told you…my beacon.) I didn’t give you a definite answer then, just told you that I wouldn’t have to go to work that day either and so it would be an option, but we didn’t make a “final arrangement” yet.

Then yesterday was a really tough day for me. We met up with your mother nearby. It was very emotional, lots of crying. She’s trying to comfort us, but with her it tends to make matters worse sometimes. She’s a wonderful person and she does it from the goodness of her heart, but I just can’t deal with that right now. So after that emotional day, I decided to email you and honestly told you how much it would mean to me if you could actually do what you had offered. And then I also openly told you why it means so much to me. I told you that we’d lost another baby last week and that things are rough right now.

I got your reply about 2 hours later. You said it would definitely be no problem to come here on Friday and that you would do it. You mentioned that your mother had not told you about the miscarriage yet. And then you said: “This blinking cursor is getting on my nerves. Let’s just use that Friday for everything else.” It took me a while to figure out what you meant by that. I guess you were at a loss for words and could only stare at the mouse cursor blinking in your email that you were trying to write…

I’m sorry. I didn’t want to burden you with this. I really thought your mother had told you already. I actually have no clue what this kind of news does to you. Do you just feel really sad for H and me? Or is it a different kind of pain because you might actually like me a bit more than I think?

I really do look forward to that Friday. Two and a half weeks still. I’m not afraid. I feel that I can be completely honest with you. And I am open to whatever you will have to say, to this crazy mess I got myself into with you, to your feelings for me (of whatever kind they are) and to H’s and my recent loss. I really feel this deep connection with you, some bond on a more profound level.

I am so glad to have you in my life.

It’s A Cruel World

Kind of off-topic, has nothing to do with you, but I’m telling you anyways… we lost this baby, too. I’m at a loss for words. I only either feel completely numb or lose my mind over this intense pain, the heartbreak. Missing you is nothing compared to this.

Losing one unborn child is terribly painful, losing two…it’s just intensely cruel. Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this? I believe in Karma. I’ve always tried to be a good person, doing what’s right, being nice to others, caring for others. I know I’ve done bad things as well, but never as bad as to deserve something like this.

Worst part is – life around us goes on. As if nothing ever happened, while my life has come to a complete halt. Sometimes I just wish a huge meteroid could come crashing into earth and stop all this. It’s silly. But I feel so much pain. I want it to end. It was rough getting over the first miscarriage, it took me months. I can’t imagine now if I will have this same strength again. I feel so weak. Completely powerless. I want to crawl into bed and sleep until the pain is gone…

Plot Twist

So guess what – I’m pregnant! I did a home pregnancy test yesterday night and it was positive. Wow! I cannot yet believe it. It feels so unreal. And I am also hesitant to really be happy as we had already lost an unborn child last year. The pain and utter devastation we felt will always stay in my memory. H and I have been trying to have a baby for a little over 3 years by now. The first pregnancy kept us waiting for 19 months. I have had thyroid problems that went unnoticed or weren’t taken seriously enough by my doctors, but they were the main reason why it just didn’t happen. As soon as I started the proper treatment, I got pregnant. However, we lost that baby in the first trimester. We were told in April of last year. We were so heartbroken.

It took us until now to get pregnant again. I’ve had more thyroid problems; it seemed as if one month it was Hashimoto disease and the next Grave’s disease, it jumped from one extreme to the other. I was actually considering to have my thyroid removed altogether in order to stabilize the hormones. Not an uncommon procedure in that case. Anyway, it seems that we got really lucky now and we managed to time it well enough, right when the hormones were in check. I will still have to get confirmation from my doc, but the home pregnancy tests are pretty reliable and I do have some symptoms already. I am sure I am pregnant. Now we’re hoping and praying that we will have a healthy baby next Spring.

But what will it do to my feelings for you, my plans to have that talk with you? Well, I still want to talk with you. After all, we kind of have an “appointment” together in September. And I will tell you everything I said I would tell you. But actually, my priorities have shifted. What matters most now is the baby. And whatever feelings I have for you have already stepped into the background. They are not important right now and I don’t have to think about you. I go about my daily routine, only to stop once in a while to smile and be happy about the new life growing inside of me. There is no greater feeling than this. I want to start this little family with H. That is the most important wish in my life right now.

I now actually wonder if you were just some kind of substitute for this unfulfilled dream so far, a trick played by my heart to forget about the pain, to keep itself occupied…

Peace Of Mind

I feel okay, surprisingly calm and relaxed, at ease, tranquil. It didn’t even matter to me that, on Sunday, instead of coming upstairs to say “hello”, you only dropped off H’s bike and went straight to the bus stop to go back home. I didn’t see you that day. But I actually did not mind.

I have started to read up on my buddhistic psychology again. I have that one book I absolutely love (The Wise Heart by Jack Kornfield). It had already helped me out a lot last year after the miscarriage. It’s wonderful. It puts things into perspective, gives you great tools to deal with pretty much anything that brings pain and suffering to your life. So I’m trying to practice a few things from this book again. Not getting too attached to anything or anyone. Be aware of the here and now, the temporary nature of everything.

So, you are a good practice opportunity for me. I have been attached to you way too much recently. I made my life and my entire happiness depend on you. I was not living in the present, always waiting for that next time to see you again, be with you again, while forgetting about everyone and everything else around me. All this has caused a lot of pain and suffering. It has also brought me great joy, yes. But I long to feel free. What’s the point of an hour filled with happiness, when I feel miserable for days after that?

That’s not to say that I do not want to be happy anymore. Or that I will not look forward to seeing you again. I still have romantic feelings for you, probably more than I should. I cherish our friendship. I enjoy your company. You are a wonderful person, kind and caring, gentle. A nice guy, through and through. And I would like to build on that. Deepen our friendship. I still want to have that honest talk with you and I wouldn’t mind telling you exactly these things I just mentioned. You deserve to know.

I just don’t want to stay attached. I don’t want to obsess. Don’t want to depend.

So far, it’s been working rather well. My mind is at peace right now.

Stupid Emotions

You dropped by shortly to pick up H’s spare bicycle. Stayed for only about 5 minutes. Enough to actually make me cry this time… Why? I don’t really know. I felt quite good after your reply about agreeing to talk to me in private one day. And now, before, during and after this very short time that you were here, I suddenly feel angry, jealous and sad.

Angry because you got here later than you had announced. Which is okay, really. But I guess I still kind of had hoped that you could make some time for me today already and be here even earlier than you said you would. I knew you had other plans and it would be selfish to expect you to change them, but a tiny part inside of me had hoped you would.

Jealous because you looked so dressed up. Nice, classy clothes. New haircut. Plenty of body spray (that scent was too much this time for me…not disturbing, but bringing up too many emotions). You told me you’d visit a female former classmate before coming here. And I do feel jealous that you might have done all this dressing up for her. Granted, you even thought of mentioning that she just recently had given birth and I wonder why you added that piece of information. Was it to not make me jealous? Did you try to not hurt my feelings? But what if she used to be a love interest of yours? Just out of your reach and you still have tender feelings towards her? What if she is your unrequited love? What if she is to you what you are to me?

Sad because you left so quickly again. And I could tell you knew or had it in the back of your mind that I am in need of talking to you about something important. You looked concerned, but in a nice way. And while leaving, you said “see you soon, in September the latest”, hinting at that next family get-together when we agreed to have that talk.

After closing the door behind you again, I had to go cry in the bathroom. It was just too much for me. So many stupid emotions at once. I feel so silly. You’ll bring back the bike on Sunday, but you probably won’t stay much longer then. I just hope that I’ll be able to keep it together and not lose my mind again like today.