I don’t even know where to start. My last entry here is more than 2 years old. It’s been more than 2 years free from your spell. More than 2 years in which I didn’t care about you. I even wished at times that I wouldn’t see you, that you wouldn’t come visit us or wouldn’t stay as long as you’d planned. I still hadn’t warmed up to you again after you so rudely dismissed me that day back in September 2014.
Just last month, H had planned his birthday party for the long weekend where you’d be in town anyway for the guys’ hiking trip like every year. So you were supposed to stay here from Wednesday evening until Sunday morning. I didn’t look forward to that. I didn’t want you to be around for so long. Then H got sick that Friday and had to cancel his party. He suggested for you to leave and go back home so that you wouldn’t catch whatever virus he had. So that was it. You left early and I was relieved. H rescheduled the party for the weekend after. You couldn’t come then, had other plans already. And again, I was relieved. I couldn’t care less actually. Just a side note.
But then there was this weekend get-together with your family 3 days ago. I don’t know what happened. Suddenly, out of nowhere, literally, it hit me. There it was. Again. The desire. The wish to get your attention.
I noticed how good you were looking in that black shirt. I noticed your skin showing as you were sitting on the couch, your notebook on your lap. I noticed your quick glance at my breasts at the dinner table. I noticed you smile at me a few times. Hesitant, but it was there. You made a joke, trying to lock me out on the veranda. I managed to avoid that. It kinda was like that Christmas when I first had feelings for you. A very long time ago, it seemed. Almost forgotten. I was so sure that I was over you for good.
When I noticed the first signs of confusion again, I immediately tried to dismiss them. Get them out of my head. Don’t even go there, I told myself. Let’s not start this again.
Back home again, Monday morning, home alone, thoughts were running through my head. And worse, I felt it in my groin. Purely sexual. I could not get you out of my head like this. It got worse on Tuesday. The longing got stronger. The same feelings from past, long gone desires for you. And today is Wednesday and it seems to get worse every day.
Why? How did this happen again? For f***’s sake, I don’t need this shit right now! What’s wrong with me? I’m craving you again. I know that I don’t love you. I would even go as far as to say that I don’t like you still. There was just too much hurt you put me through that I won’t be able to forgive you. Yet, my body wants you I guess. My hormones are out of balance. They’re going crazy. I don’t know why. Like I said, I don’t need this drama right now. I’ve got enough issues to deal with right now. But maybe they are partly to blame for this mess now. I’m currently in therapy for depression. H and I had another miscarriage in 2015 and we found out that I have a genetic disorder that drastically reduces the chance for us to have a healthy child. I’m trying to deal with all this. That’s more than enough on my plate right now. I don’t want to go back to this mess with you. I’ve had enough. Please don’t start this again. Get the f*** out of my mind!