Peace Of Mind

I feel okay, surprisingly calm and relaxed, at ease, tranquil. It didn’t even matter to me that, on Sunday, instead of coming upstairs to say “hello”, you only dropped off H’s bike and went straight to the bus stop to go back home. I didn’t see you that day. But I actually did not mind.

I have started to read up on my buddhistic psychology again. I have that one book I absolutely love (The Wise Heart by Jack Kornfield). It had already helped me out a lot last year after the miscarriage. It’s wonderful. It puts things into perspective, gives you great tools to deal with pretty much anything that brings pain and suffering to your life. So I’m trying to practice a few things from this book again. Not getting too attached to anything or anyone. Be aware of the here and now, the temporary nature of everything.

So, you are a good practice opportunity for me. I have been attached to you way too much recently. I made my life and my entire happiness depend on you. I was not living in the present, always waiting for that next time to see you again, be with you again, while forgetting about everyone and everything else around me. All this has caused a lot of pain and suffering. It has also brought me great joy, yes. But I long to feel free. What’s the point of an hour filled with happiness, when I feel miserable for days after that?

That’s not to say that I do not want to be happy anymore. Or that I will not look forward to seeing you again. I still have romantic feelings for you, probably more than I should. I cherish our friendship. I enjoy your company. You are a wonderful person, kind and caring, gentle. A nice guy, through and through. And I would like to build on that. Deepen our friendship. I still want to have that honest talk with you and I wouldn’t mind telling you exactly these things I just mentioned. You deserve to know.

I just don’t want to stay attached. I don’t want to obsess. Don’t want to depend.

So far, it’s been working rather well. My mind is at peace right now.


One thought on “Peace Of Mind

  1. So, so glad to hear you are finding some peace. I have been through this same type of experience–like being under a spell, like a poison in my blood that simply has to run its course and I wonder if it will destroy me before it finally works its way out of my system. I had been in and out of obsessive love with someone for 20 years. He was oblivious, but that didn’t matter. The thing was that during the times we were actually together, I wasn’t happy. He was emotionally distant and that made it even more frustrating than being apart.

    So, it’s a special kind of madness I can relate to. And it is always about deeper unresolved issues of loss, pain, rejection, unexpressed grief, longing, etc. Eckhart Tolle refers to this as the “pain body”. Reading “The Power of Now” really helped me.

    Thank you for posting your story. I know we are not alone in our struggles. Take care.

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