I feel okay, surprisingly calm and relaxed, at ease, tranquil. It didn’t even matter to me that, on Sunday, instead of coming upstairs to say “hello”, you only dropped off H’s bike and went straight to the bus stop to go back home. I didn’t see you that day. But I actually did not mind.
I have started to read up on my buddhistic psychology again. I have that one book I absolutely love (The Wise Heart by Jack Kornfield). It had already helped me out a lot last year after the miscarriage. It’s wonderful. It puts things into perspective, gives you great tools to deal with pretty much anything that brings pain and suffering to your life. So I’m trying to practice a few things from this book again. Not getting too attached to anything or anyone. Be aware of the here and now, the temporary nature of everything.
So, you are a good practice opportunity for me. I have been attached to you way too much recently. I made my life and my entire happiness depend on you. I was not living in the present, always waiting for that next time to see you again, be with you again, while forgetting about everyone and everything else around me. All this has caused a lot of pain and suffering. It has also brought me great joy, yes. But I long to feel free. What’s the point of an hour filled with happiness, when I feel miserable for days after that?
That’s not to say that I do not want to be happy anymore. Or that I will not look forward to seeing you again. I still have romantic feelings for you, probably more than I should. I cherish our friendship. I enjoy your company. You are a wonderful person, kind and caring, gentle. A nice guy, through and through. And I would like to build on that. Deepen our friendship. I still want to have that honest talk with you and I wouldn’t mind telling you exactly these things I just mentioned. You deserve to know.
I just don’t want to stay attached. I don’t want to obsess. Don’t want to depend.
So far, it’s been working rather well. My mind is at peace right now.