No way back.
I emailed you just now. No, not to tell you that I am crushing on you, hard. But to ask you if there’s a chance to have a one-on-one talk on Friday. You are in town for the weekend, not to stay with us, but with some friends. I think you’re doing a bicycle tour or something and you will drop by here to pick up H’s spare bike on Friday. Depending on the time, we might have the chance to talk without anyone else around. That is, if you’re willing to do so.
The last 2 days I felt terrible. I am so sad and fed up of this mess. I feel sick to my stomach. I couldn’t go to work yesterday and today. This is not healthy. It cannot go on like this anymore. Whenever we part ways, I get sucked into this deep hole. With every new goodbye, the hole seems to get deeper and darker. Now it reached the point where I am incapable to go to work. That’s way too far. I need to stop it now. And the only way I can think of is to be honest with you, get your honesty back. Tell me that whatever I thought of your actions towards and behaviour around me was wrong and that there’s nothing romantic in them. I need to hear it from you. I need to see it in your eyes. Release me from your spell. It doesn’t matter if it hurts and how much. It’d be better this way. Sooner or later it will have to end. And it will be a painful end, either way. So let’s make this quick. Like pulling off a bandage.
I think I know you well enough. Things won’t be awkward, you will understand. Just like last time. Hopefully we can finally develop a good friendship. No silly feelings in between us. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to lose H. And I don’t want to lose my mind either…